Sunday, August 4, 2013

Let Love Lead the Way

Life is a very long and sad joke... Maybe not for everyone but I feel it is for me. I hope death is just a never ending dream. I hope if you're good and you die your heaven is living the fantasies you created in your mind. Because Lord knows my fantasies are much more satisfying, romantic and full of love and understanding than reality. 

It makes me sad how hurtful and disrespectful people can be. I'm just trying to live my own life and be happy and healthy and do all that the best way I can. I've learned how to be kind, respectful of boundaries and patient. I feel like so many people who have come and gone in my life have been extremely emotionally unhealthy. 

For the time being I'm just going to grow on my own. If others want to join me that's fine but I'm no longer waiting around to be loved. I love myself and treat myself with kindness and respect. Because I can treat myself with love, respect and kindness, I refuse to tolerate mistreatment. You don't want to love me? It's fine, I don't need your love. You wanna try to ruin my life and drag me down? I can't imagine how overwhelming it must feel to be so envious, bitter and unhappy with your own life. I'm sorry you're so hurt. Wanna spread rumors and lies? That's fine. Venomous words and actions don't penetrate my soul anymore because I understand that misery loves company. I also understand you're probably not trying to be a hurtful person on purpose. 

Hurt people hurt people. I'm no longer wounded. I have a complete sense of my self worth. Derek helped me realize that I've lived my whole life in fear and under loads of other individual's stress. His acknowledgement of how strong and good and successful I am has given me the reinforcement I needed to stand up to the people I feared the most. His friendship and support has enabled me to take command over my life. For years I thought I was so forgiving of abuse because I was a good person- the bigger person. The truth is I was a scared little girl. I do forgive everyone, I always will. Who am I to judge anyone for making a mistake? But I do not have to tolerate anyone's abuse. 

My mom used to tell me about how in the Bible Jesus says that if someone hurts you to forgive them but if they continue then to forgive and go on your way, shaking the dust off your feet, leaving them and all their hurt behind you. Ironically, she was talking about Derek and not herself. Unfortunately, people only see what they want to see. Derek has been supportive, kind and endlessly understanding. My family? Not so much. 

Thinking of how much money and support I've given my brother in the last year and how nasty he still is is heartbreaking. I understand why he was that way and for a long time I thought that because I was helping him out I was being compassionate. Truth is I'm just afraid of not being loved. I gave and gave to him and it was never enough, I never received thanks or acknowledgement. With someone like who I used to be, being treated badly like that just makes you want to try harder. "Maybe if I help him more he'll be kinder and love me." Nope... Abusive people just know how to take and manipulate. Victims, like myself, just keep tolerating the abuse because we've been trained to believe that saying no just leads to worse consequences. And suddenly I realize every bad thing that's happened to me can be contributed to my upbringing... Fucked up people shouldn't raise kids... 

No one will ever love you or respect you if you don't love and respect yourself. Everyone says that all the time but it is the absolute truth. It isn't because that person's unlovable, it's because they will keep fucking up because they don't believe they deserve love. A good man can come into a woman's life, show her love and understanding; he can forgive her for her mistakes and instability time and time again because he loves her that much. But because she loathes herself she will keep fucking it up without even realizing or recognizing it- either by lying/cheating, being a miserable person or constantly comparing and being unappreciative for what she has. Then when he leaves she can say, "See, he never really loved me. Everyone always leaves." Repeat cycle with next boyfriend. We abuse the ones we love because we are insecure and feel inferior. 

Once you truly love yourself and believe you are good and worthy, life will fall into place because you love yourself enough to make your aspirations reality. People are cruel and I've spent a lot of years sad and stunted because of that. So although I started this post tearful and sad, I now feel confident and happy because I've reminded myself that their cruelty has nothing to do with me. I know I have my own back. I know that I am good and people will love me. I know that I will never ruin another relationship or push the people who are truly loving out of my life again. I've lived in fear of my family's judgment my whole life. Yesterday everything changed, a full 24 hours has passed, I am still happy and even more confident and sure about my decision. All are welcome in my heart but only the kind and respectful will remain by my side.

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