Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Beginning of Awesome

I feel like a douche whenever I talk about Anthony, but since I'm pretty sure no one ever reads this so it's okay. I can't help but go on a rant about how amazing I think he is whenever I start talking about him. Anyway...

Life is great and I have been blessed with so much. People forget that they could have been born as a starving baby with HIV in Africa or the child of white trash (seriously I know of a girl named Daytona). I cringe to think of a life of feeling entitled just because my eyes are blue and my last name doesn't end with a vowel. Sorry, I'm getting preachy. It's late. Anyway, when I was little my mom, like probably most moms, would tell me to eat my vegetable or to take care of my toys because there were kids in Africa who had nothing. I'm pretty sure this leads to racism, haha. Not really but I clearly remember always thinking, "I don't care about them, they aren't me!" as I begrudgingly stuffed green beans in my mouth. I'm mainly rambling and for that I apologize but the point is... Heartache, poverty, unemployment, bad luck- all of that is humbling.

I compare myself to everyone.

My whole life I was always upset because I wasn't as pretty as so and so, or not as wealthy as other people, or as skinny or as... the list is endless. I was never enough and everyone else's life was better than mine. Having my feet kicked out from under me made me realize life could be much much worse. Until very recently I was still that kid thinking I was the center of the universe and what I've lived through was the worst anyone has ever experienced. Now when I have a bad day I take a deep breath and say, "Well... at least I have my clitoris!" Haha, that was vulgar, I apologize. In all seriousness at least I'm alive. All of my problems and "ailments" are all reversible and the only person stopping my life from being awesome is myself.

Change is not easy.

On a molecular level for anything to transition or change it takes so much energy to get molecules moving and shit happening. My point being change takes extreme amounts of effort. Life never stops being hard but it can become more enjoyable if I stop putting my efforts into bitching and complaining about how my life isn't as easy or awesome as... I dunno, someone rich and awesome, and instead use that effort to change my own life.

My brother Danny is a great inspiration. He's been in remission for over a year now and what is he doing with his life? He's back in school to be a substance abuse/grief counselor. Although I wish he would take care of his health a little more maybe for right now he has to take care of his soul first.

I'm so attached to my family... I really don't know what I will do if (I feel morbid saying when) I lose them. My mother is a horrible person for making us love each other so much. My parent's have been so amazingly supportive. I wish when I was growing up I had this relationship with them. My dad has been amazing. He and I are really close now. He opens up to me and actually smiles and really laughs (no more fake laughs). He's stopped being so angry and phony. I guess everything my family has been through in the last year and a half must have been really humbling for him as well. I think Danny getting cancer was probably the best thing to happen to my dad. He realized how horrible he had been for a long time. How much pain he caused. I guess it just made him think that it could have been any of us diagnosed with cancer and if we die what memories he had with us. He couldn't remember any good ones for a long time. So he was knocked off his high horse and forced to reevaluate himself. "Perdoname por no ser un papa bueno... Pero yo quiero cambiar," he said to us one evening and since then he really has (haha I realized after proof reading that I never translated this. It says, "forgive me for not being a good father but I want to change).

My father loves Anthony. Seriously, he always greets him with a smile and a hand shake and has even made a few jokes. Like the other day we were playfully arguing about something while hanging out with my parents and my father says, "Anthony, some advice, Tania always gets what she wants, just learn to say 'Yes.' It'll save you time from having to listen to her." Haha, bless my father. Ensuring I will be spoiled the rest of my life :)

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