Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wild Flowers

They always say "you can't have rainbows without rain" which is an accurate analogy, especially since happiness, like rainbows, is fleeting and hard to come by. But I for one have been indulging in the rainbow for once. Before I used to just think, "what's the point? It's just gonna rain again." Life dealt me a shitty hand full of pain and trauma, it's not pessimism, it's emotional armor. Against my natural instinct I allowed myself to just ride the wave of life for once. Anthony was having a really tough time... It's hard when someone you love is dealing with shit and you become an afterthought. I held on and decided I couldnt be selfish anymore. It was a long month but I have my Anthony back and I finally remember why I was holding on. When Anthony is happy it's hard not to want to spend every second of the day in his beam. He's funny, silly, and completely sexy in the sweetest most vulnerable and masculine of ways. That probably doesn't make sense but that's okay because I'm the only one who needs to understand. I used to think I understood my ex boyfriends... Truth is I only understood the parts I wanted them to be. I deluded myself about the rest. Instead of seeing a manipulative, selfish person I saw mysterious and dangerous. Instead of damaged and hurt I saw idealistic and a dreamer. Anthony is the first person I've been with who I really understand and it's because I accept him for exactly who he is. The growth and changes we've both gone through are equally for our own benefit as well as the others. My weight loss for example. Anthony never said anything about my weight and at my heaviest still told me (and made me feel like) I was beautiful and sexy but I'm losing weight because it will make me happy and he will benefit from the results.
I always do this, go in depth about him. I just love him so very much and am glad he's returned to me. Today I was sick and although we had planned to go on an adventure I spent most of the day napping and willing myself to feel better. When I apologized he shushed me. He had washed and cut up strawberries which we took on beautiful walk by the river. He made me close my eyes and when I opened them he had picked me couple of wild flowers mentioning they were probably weeds. I laughed and thanked him suddenly reminded of the days ages ago my dad would come back from the garden and give my mom a bouquet of his prized flowers as well as a kiss and I would mimic my dads footsteps picking the brightest dandelions I could find and giving them to my mom with a kiss as well. She would always gush about how beautiful they were and put them in the same vase as my dad's flowers. No one had ever picked me either wild flower or weed. The gesture was adorable and more profound then he'll ever know. I will cherish and hold on to the rainbow this time but I know when rain comes again, which it inevitably will, I strong enough to wait it out because... Well, it can't rain forever.

No comments:

Post a Comment