It must be nice for some people to escape into alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately for me substances just make me remember more and not less. Since it has been so long since I last consumed alcohol I thought things would be different because for the first time in my life I feel generally happy but I was wrong. It seems there's a layer very deep inside me that still remembers the horrors that have happened to me. So it was creeping into the early hours of Sunday when I sat crying next to Jamie, my dear friend. He too has seen me at my worst and soothes my trembling being, cooing to let it all out, that I don't have to be afraid. I appreciate him the most in these times but I know I've held him before while he cried and pulled him out of himself when he had fallen too deep.
As with Anthony and most of the relationships in my life externally I'm the hardass, the bitch, but truly I'm the weak one. The endlessly forgiving moron. I guess this is what haunts me. Too many times of being taken advantage of. It's funny, whenever someone takes advantage of another it's always the person who ends up hurt who is the fool. "you're the stupid one for trusting her" "that's what you get for forgiving him." What a sad world we live in that people consider trust and forgiveness weaknesses. How even more sad that they're completely right.
Everytime I wake up after one of these nights of indulgence (and then tears and torments) I feel embarrassed for bearing my soul and sobbing like a wounded animal (like the wounded animal I am). My friends as well as Anthony shoo away my apologize understanding some wounds never fully close. Still... Don't think I'll be drinking for a while.