Wednesday, January 11, 2012


The last few days I have been a deadly, can't move out of bed kind of sick. I've been on heavy stuff including some magic cough medicine with codeine. Needless to say this stuff is strong and has had me in a strange in and out trance for the last few days. Anthony and I took a little break from each other for the last couple of days as well. He had a trip planned with his friends which I thought was opportune time for him to think things over in our relationship and decide what he really wanted. It gave me time to reflect as well.
For the past year and some change I can only remember the awful things my ex did to me. I have no happy memories anymore. Well thanks to the purple drank I was prescribed on one exceptionally feverish and achy night I remembered the one nice thing about my ex. He was usually always there for me when I was sick. Taking me to the drs, holding me, even running a cold bath of my fever was too high. For the first time I compared Anthony to him and felt angry that Anthony listened to me and went on his trip. I'm an adult now and that means I had to be my own nurse. Making my own meals with high temperatures, remembering to take my medicine. Moving myself from the couch to my bed, ha. Well falling asleep annoyed at the fact that Anthony wasn't there I had a dream. It was amazing. Anthony and I were married and I was about to give birth to our first baby. The next thing I remember I have a beautiful little girl in my arms and I'm climbing about a million stairs with my mother. My baby had my complexion with big brown eyes but Anthony's beautiful lips. She was a weirdly beautiful combination of the best of the two of us... I was talking to my mother when I noticed she wasn't in my arms anymore. I had to search and search I was frantic and scared but then I found my daughter and who stole her? Well I did. If that isn't symbolism I don't know what is. This whole remembering shit from that evil scumbag... It takes me away from everything happening right now and from what could happen in my future. Anthony went on a trip because I told him it was okay. The truth is they don't compare. Anthony always has my back and is constantly attentive everyday that we spend together. Comparing that to the once in a while my ex was nice to me? There's no comparison. And today he got back and sat with me a few hours just rubbing my back and kissing my forehead telling me how worried he was and how much he missed me. He's so good. I really don't think I could ever find someone anymore caring and understanding if I tried for the rest of my life. Luckily, I don't have to. I appreciate what I have in front of me to the fullest. He knows that an loves me just as much. Life is interesting. I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm ready to create a new future. I don't know what to expect but as long as he holds my hand and I hold his, I'm not afraid; I know it's going to be amazing. I love him so much. Things are so clear. Maybe because I've spent 5 days unable to move... But I honestly have a new appreciation towards life. First thing I'm going to appreciate when I'm better? Breathing. I really miss doing that, haha.

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