Monday, November 22, 2010

I deserve a piece of pie

Tonight sitting in my car looking up at the moon I mentioned to an old friend how I would love to fall in love with a sweet guy. "You deserve someone sweet" he said back to me in a husky monotone. Yes, I do, don't I? It hit me- the simplicity of it and how I would love that to happen to me. I don't need someone famous or insanely successful I just need someone to love me and make me feel safe. Someone who won't be afraid of loving me because they know they would never ever hurt me and I want to know that I would do the same for them. Perhaps it's too romantic for anyone to wish for but this is my wish; my desire. I want to be held close when I'm cold and to be given reassuring hugs and soft kisses on my forehead letting me know the feeling is mutual. I want to look in their eyes and see myself there and know I'm honestly the only person they're thinking about. I want to be trusted. A real fresh start. It would be wonderful to find that.
I am over feeling like men are my drug. I just want to be loved. I don't want to need it I just want to feel it. Everyone deserves love in their life. I know that from now on if I find the right person. I won't make any mistakes. I will be patient and kind and understanding. I've made enough mistakes for a lifetime and I know that another good relationship will never fall for any reasoning on my own. I know I will be a good partner, not always the best but really good. I'm not going to say I'm not ready for a relationship. Today maybe I feel like I would be able to handle the commitment but it's too soon after all the pain and hurt to say that I'm completely over it. I am still healing and I'm not looking for a band aid. But is it so bad to wish that someone could one day resemble the new skin that develops above the scar? The smooth skin that will time helps fade the scar of the past. I wonder what compels me to be such a hopeless romantic... Maybe because I feel like I deserve it. Now anyway.

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