Friday, November 19, 2010

You Can Grow

So I was right about not believing I could survive getting hurt again. But here I am broken once more putting the pieces back together. I've been beaten and battered and really tried hard not to make it through this time. As silly as death is it had really become a better option than having to do this all over again. I have a good support system and my friends gave interlocked their love like a net to break my fall. It's been really nice feeling loved even though he's not in my life anymore. I no longer feel alone which is amazing. I hardly miss the old me and I refuse to talk about it to anyone but my therapist. It's like a wound that's scabbing. I don't want to be reminded constantly how silly it was that I fell I just hope that once it's healed the scars won't be too noticeable. Unfortunately, I fear that these scars will be mangled and disfiguring... I was ready to leave everything I loved behind for the affection of one person. Now I have the affection of over 15.
The price I had to pay to finally get the support and help I needed was people being fearful of my mental stability but fuck it, all great artists have a breakdown once in their life. This is my quarter-life crisis. I expect various others in the future.
The other day I was speaking to my bud and was expressing how Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind had the right idea and how I wish I could erase the last 5 years of my life and start over. His response? "I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason like some people, sometimes things just happen. But that's life, so you can grow." These words and the love I feel from all my friends and family have wrapped me up in a warm cocoon- keeping me safe from the darkness that so desperately attempts to make it's way in my heart. Derek is no longer good for me, maybe he never was. He was my drug and I need to kick the habit. He does not control my happiness anymore. For so long I was sucked in to his pull knowingly allow myself to be dragged under into what was just an unhealthy situation. But unhealthy is all I've known for so long. I need non-crazy in my life and for right now I think I have it.

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