The cloud machine never sleeps

"On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps.
Like the burning desire I have for you
it can never be haulted.
Lights glow bright in the midnight sky
I wonder what your arms feel like.
will the honey spill over and make me feel whole again?
I wonder if you think of me.
On the edge of town the cloud machine never sleeps
it's all just a joke anyway..."

I validate myself through other people and I need to learn how to love myself on my own. My heart has broken and my ego crushed so many fricken times. I have become an object to everyone. A trophy to my parents and just the shell of a person to most of my love interests. If only I was just a blow up doll then they wouldn't have to deal with my pesky personality they can't stand so much. I am nothing but an object to everyone, including myself. I fear no one will ever just want me for who I am as a person. They all want to change me to make me this Perfect Tania. What's so wrong with me that I'm not that perfect version of myself right now? What gives everyone I love in my life the right to hurt me so much? It just seems the more people get to know me the more they want to change me... Perhaps that says something about me. Maybe I'm just bound to be unlovable... This all frustrates me and leaves me feeling extremely incomplete.

"Tonight I hold myself close because you're all slowly ruining me"

What will I focus on when I am finally happy? When men and food are no longer a preoccupation... I will have so much free time one my hands.

Did I just melt a little when I looked in your eyes? Nope it's just the thousand degree weather...