I nearly made an awful mistake... although I did fuck up it honestly could have been much worse, which is saying something. I realize now that although I am not an alcoholic by any means, alcohol does have horrible effects on me. Honestly drinking for me is equivalent to some people doing cocaine or E or something. I lose myself somewhere along the way. I was discussing it yesterday and I have never hooked up with someone while I was sober. It's always when I am plastered drunk, and I tend to always get plastered drunk when I drink. I figured this out months ago in therapy and have since not gotten drunk when I'm not around Anthony because the truth is I can't trust anyone when I'm drunk, least of all myself. It's strange to have this be part of me. Some alter-ego who just goes around wrecking everything the real Tania works her ass off for. At the Colombian festival last month I got tipsy and proceeded to having to avoid Carmen's friend who was determined to get me to cheat on my boyfriend. Shitty things just happen when I drink and if I was plastered the night would have probably had a different ending than me falling asleep in Anthony's arms. The past two days I've gotten drunk and agreed to do and did things Sober Tania would have never agreed to. In therapy I've learned that I dont feel anything when I'm drunk, no remorse or sense of consequence. Everything is just happy and fun and adventurous. It's not until the high is over that I see all the damage I inflicted on myself. When Derek broke up with me I got drunk and drank a bunch of pills. I lack feeling. I lack self control. Everyone agrees that Drunk Tania sucks. Jamie was the first to point it out. A friend from college loved that I was like that because she was the same way, sometimes worse. She enabled the partying and made it romantic and graceful. It wasn't until I met Anthony that I understood the mistakes of my past. Anthony knows everything about me. He knows my past and I tell him right away when I fuck up. He understands that when I'm drunk I'm a different person. I have learned that unconditional love means to be understanding and non-judgemental. After a night like last night I go to him and confess what I did. He never wants names because he doesn't want me to gossip nor does he care. Last night I was expecting the worse, for him to break up with me, call me a scumbag or crazy or a whore... I guess I expected the response my ex would have given me. Instead we had a civil conversation where he reminded me that I know better and that everything I do when i get drunk doesn't hurt him. He can leave and start over, ultimately I hurt myself. I don't need to learn this lesson anymore times. I am finally living the life I want to lead and I don't want to fuck it up at all. I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. Anthony also has to be an alien of some sort. I'm too lucky to have him. Honestly he deserves more credit for my recovery than I have given him. I'm not saying he made me a better person but his unshakable understanding has given me strength. This last month I have been caught up in other things. I have not been giving him my full attention. He deserves it all. Back to going back to my life.