Friday, August 19, 2011

Lessons learned

I guess I can't get angry anymore because everything I have learned has come from experience. I suppose my frustration comes when someone has seen me put my hand in the fire and watched me get horribly burned. They think that because they have thicker or tougher skin they will not get hurt but the truth is it's only a matter of time before their skin begins to blister. It's just the nature of the beast.
I've learned thy relationships are like vases. When something horrible or unforgivable happens in the relationship it's like your favorite vases falling to the ground. It doesn't matter if the vase was your favorite or meant the world to you if it smashes to the ground and you put it back together there are still going to be pieces missing and cracks that are evident to the world but most importantly to you. The more times the vase falls- the more times you try to glue it back together it is no longer that beautiful vase. It just keeps on missing more and more pieces each time it breaks until there are just shards of glass that don't fit together anymore- with cracks and holes that make the vase nonfunctional. It's just the pile of glass that looks awful and you're left with bleeding hands that are already scarred from the times you've tried to fix it. The truth is you just have to mourn the lose of your favorite vase, throw it away an get a new vase that suits you better. And you care for it differently, perhaps you get thicker glass or you put it on a different shelf either way it's a new vase. Sure you can look fondly on your old one but eventually you realize how much you love the way your flowers look in this one more. There are too many vases in the world to get caught up being frustrated an hurting yourself to make the old one whole because it never will be again.
It took me a long time to realize that. And even longer to put it in action. But the truth is that I learned it on my own. Forcing my beliefs and experience on someone else makes me no better than the bigots and self-righteous people I never wanted to become. So people have to learn on their own. One thing that Anthony has taught me it's that most things aren't my problem and I just need to slow down and enjoy my own life if people don't want to heed my warnings or take my help. I'm done getting frustrated. I'm done being the Tania that wants to get her point across even if I know I'm right. In the end people will learn just as I did. I can only hope they get it before I do. Because I had to feel death whisper my name to learn that lesson. I'm not a super hero nor do I know all the answers. I never claimed either but I have to stop holding myself to those expectations. I love my life now and have learned so much. I'm glad I'm alive today to enjoy the damp dawn air, smell the bad habit of cigarettes in the air and see the colors of dawn sneak into the sky. I'm glad I learned my lesson.

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