Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bathroom tears

Sometimes I'm too sensitive. I feel like I have no friends sometimes but honestly it's as much my fault as anyone else. I'm not proactive enough. True, I sometimes tire of being the person to initiate relationships but it's because people I tend to hang out with are like me so instead of hanging out we all end up sitting at home by ourselves wishing we had friends. Today I felt so alone and so unwanted over a silly misunderstanding that I even went into the bathroom to let out a few aggravated tears. Only to feel completely silly afterwards. (I was lucky I didn't mess up my make up). Really there's no reason for me to feel sad anymore. That's not my life. I'm an adult now and I just have to take action. Anthony is so good to me and brings me back to my senses all the time. I need a good metaphoric kick in the head sometimes and he's great for those.
This weeks lesson to Christina has been to not try and find a replacement for her ex. Feel the pain. Live in it for a while. When the time is right it will happen naturally and feel right. I gave myself 2 months off (well more than 2 months off from sex anyway). I allowed a relationship to develop. Until it hit me that I couldn't let this opportunity with Anthony pass me by. He was too good and if I listened to him I would have lost that to someone else. Anthony wanted me to wait a year or two or three. So much can happen in that time. So many people come in and out of peoples lives. I couldn't do it. But I sure as hell was not completely over Derek when we started dating and it showed sometimes. I never vocalized anything not even to my therapist but I was always sad and would spend days moping with no real reason. Well no reason I would admit to. Truth is the future I created with Derek needed to be mourned if nothing else of the relationship. And it wasn't until May, 5 months into my relationship, that I was truly over it. Hearing about Derek or seeing him as I did last week did not affect me. I would have rather not seen him but I still ended up having a blast and finally Anthony saw that I was being truthful that there was nothing left in my heart for him. Not even hate.
I hope Christina stays as strong as wants to because the truth is Derek needs to feel. Maybe through this he'll stop blaming others for his problems. And realize they are self inflicted. I don't know him anymore, I just know what I hear from christina and some of that is similar to what I went through. Truth is I wasn't a whore but I did betray his trust. Not because I wanted to but because I was trying to overcome my own issues. When I was alone I committed my same serial mistakes but without the guilt of another party I was finally able to pinpoint what I was really doing and I corrected the problem. I needed to get over frank and the violation at such a young age. I was stuck at 13 trying again and again to say no the right way. I finally learned how. By not putting myself in positions where I had to say no. Derek tried telling me that from the beginning but I was a child when we started dating. I needed to touch the stove myself. Something he never understood. So much like my father feeling he knew what was best. Another thing I learned throughout this marvelous year is that if you go into a relationship trying to replace the last person you aren't gonna be very successful in said relationship. Like me and the chef, that was totally a bandaid and I knew it. I won't say anything bad because he treated me well but not all that great. Everything wrong he did just reminded me of Derek and I held him to those expectations. We just weren't very compatible and that's why it really didn't work out. But he tried his best I was just trying to not feel the loss of Derek. And if you don't feel the loss you will never move on from it and that's how you get sucked in. I used to fear feeling it because I would end up back in his arms but the truth is that he fucked me over too many times. I would have to have zero self respect to go back after everything. The lies, the hitting, the belittling. He's a bad guy and needs to learn how to not be one of those. And I hope christina truly understands that.

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