Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Letting Go of Childish Hopes

I've had a traumatic last 7 days. Danny told me I was a disappointment, my mother told me I had no self respect and called me a hussy for sleeping over Derek's, and I slept with Derek and got my hopes up because my vagina is directly connected to the love center of my brain. That coupled with the fact that he was buying me gifts and talking about a future... Whatever, moral of the story: Tania is a fucking moron and makes the same motherfucking mistakes over and over again. Honestly, a really bad week over all. Like for a second I was really happy but thankfully I was jolted back to reality where people are selfish and hurtful and that's just life. Everyone else is back to their lives, Danny liking my statuses, my mother happily playing Candy Crush, Derek living his life. Here I am unable to let it go. This isn't like me...

I feel like the light within me has been blown out. As if all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. Today although I wanted to just stay in bed forever I got up and went to work. I did my job more diligently and effectively than I ever have. I ran errands, came home, walked my dog, ran more errands and here I am. The entire time I felt completely empty. It felt meaningless. I've decided if this is how I feel from now on it sucks but it's bearable. I'll do my job well, if I help people cool if I don't it means the same. I'll take my money and put it away. Talked to my budget lady today, she's going to help me get an apartment. There I'll just have to worry about my needy Linus and myself. I'll put my money away, maybe go back to school. Everything is blank after that. Today I saw a sign for an adoption and foster parent organization and thought, "Well if I'm 35 and single..." I miss cheery Tania... I feel empty because three very important people in my life hurt my feelings within days of one another. It used to be if I just had to deal with one of those the downward spiral would commence... I am growing up after all. 

Sitting here now I see that though they all communicated their feelings in hurtful ways, I learned something from all of them. Danny telling me he was disappointed in me and generally being a dummy made me feel extra accountable. "I am going to live my life well and do well at work and do well at school and I'm going to do it on my own," and I have been. My mother told me I have no self respect along with other hurtful and out of line things but she was kinda right. I really don't respect myself the way I should.

Derek didn't do anything wrong when it comes to my woes with him. I'm not even upset about him canceling- it was a miscommunication, hopefully it won't happen again. What broke my heart was that we slept together the other night. I wasn't prepared for that, it just happened and it was passionate and it was good and then we talked after about us and our soulmateship and how we felt... I can't do that and I know I can't do that but I always forget in the moment. If I'm having no strings attached sex I need to know about it so I can lock my feelings up and put them in a safe place they won't get hurt. I went over that night to just spend time with him and whoops there's that. I should know better. I'm too fragile and sensitive for that shit anymore. 

No one is going to regard my feelings as highly as I do and I need to stop thinking it's ever going to be different. People are naturally selfish and egocentric and sometimes they have bad days. I spend my life helping other people because no one should go through a difficult time alone. I look at myself now and I feel very much alone. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family but unfortunately everyone has their own lives and their own problems. Ultimately the only person who will always have my best interest in mind is myself. The only thing I can control is how I interact with the world around me. When people are unkind or hurtful it's because of their own conflicts within themselves. I am a good nurse, I am a good daughter, I am a good sister and I have all the components to being a good partner. After last week I felt I was questioning everything about myself. 

Now that I figured out what was wrong I feel my lungs fill with more air and I can feel my light flickering on. I need to take everyone else's actions with a grain of salt. People are fickle and flawed. I just need to be smarter. I AM more into Derek than he is into me and I really need to stop it. Derek, as sweet and considerate and thoughtful as he can be, he isn't in love with me. I am nothing to him. I need to stop forgetting that and start respecting and protecting myself accordingly. I'm not a child anymore. I need to stop allowing myself to get carried away with childish hopes and live in reality where we slept together, it meant nothing, we're still buds, the end. Cognitively, I know that sex is meaningful and intimate for me and that I catch feelings. My heart/emotions is the dumb, insecure 16 year old girl who allows that shit to happen, probably thinking, "If I have sex with him maybe he'll love me." I need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a dumb little slut. I have allowed myself to be used. From the door he's said, "I'm not in love with you and I don't want you to be my girlfriend," and I'm all like, "We'll here's my heart and my vagina and my whole future if you want it. Let me know if you change your mind. Take your time!" How incredibly pathetic.

I am successful, intelligent, beautiful, kind and deserving of love. I need to start treating myself with the respect I deserve.    

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