Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Wish the Nights Never Ended

My eyes fluttered open so many times last night. It was as if my mind wanted to make sure it was real. I had restful sleep but I just remember opening my eyes just to make sure he was there then falling asleep again.

Yesterday was really great. My work meeting went well, I do genuinely like the people I work with. I find it funny but all the other nurses are blonde white girls, including my boss. My people, lol. Then there I am... nerdy, chubby, short, hispanic Tania. There was a time when that was intimidating and bothered me. Yesterday however, I made them all laugh as I shared my month's horror stories and cracked jokes. It feels really supportive. We know we're out in the field in all types of weather, alone, caring for poor, sick kids. They really understand that I'm young and having a really transitioning year. I'm so very grateful. I saw interesting cases yesterday and really have a lot of ideas I hope to put in to action over the next month. I'm excited. I'm creative and a dreamer so I always have tons of ideas in my head. At the meeting yesterday I brought some of the ideas I had in my head such as creating a website. Immediately the other girls starting giving me resource sites and my boss mentioned making a Maternal-Child Health Facebook page and asked if I'd be interested in running it. This may seem really silly but I'm super excited because my resume will soon have "conducted research and managed and maintained social media sites for the department" added to it. Children and their families are my passion. I love educating new moms and watching them absorb new things. I really want to spend the next few months dedicating myself to my job and my patients. I have an opportunity to make a real impact and I need to stop being afraid and apprehensive and really embrace that I have an amazing opportunity in front of me.

Hanging out with Sarah yesterday was like always, a blast. I think she's such a great girl. I'm glad we've become friends. Nice genuine people are hard to come by. She's taught me so much just in relaying her life experiences. Her courage to travel the country and try things other people wound never have the balls to do is inspiring. She's a free spirit and lives how I've always been too afraid to.

Last night I watched Looper (someone terribly misinformed me it was bad... it was so not bad! It was very very good!) with my buddy. Seriously what an interesting story. Big fan. Anyway the movies about breaking cycles or... loops. I don't know why I find meaning in everything (betcha I can find meaning in ANYTHING!) but I feel like my day is a bunch of little circumstances trying to teach me a lesson or tell me a story. Between feeling great about my job, hearing Sarah's stories, and watching a movie about breaking cycles I feel like life is screaming at me to be the change I want to be.

I'm pulled back to Derek like gravity. I used to look back and ask myself, "Why couldn't we just let each other go?" This is why... This feeling when I'm with him. He's my puzzle piece. I dig deeper within myself and try harder and push myself when I'm with him. I was without him for 3 years. During our time apart on paper I was successful but I didn't feel happy because I was still so hurt. Currently I'm one of the most emotionally healthy individuals I know and it's because of how much effort I've put into being emotionally healthy. It is a constant positive dialogue. Sometimes it's hard to say, "That person is being hurtful because they are hurt," but all I have to do is look at my past mistakes and I can recognize that person is coping with their own issues the only way they know how because they probably had a shitty home life too.

Last night was really great. As I held his hand during the movie I remembered a Bible verse about love. How couples should treat each other as they would themselves. His skin is my skin, my skin is his skin. As I touched him I tried hard to find the point where his skin stopped and my skin started but I couldn't. I'm so in love with everything about him.
I slept over and we talked for hours before we fell asleep. It was magical. I woke up at around 5am with Derek's cat perched on my hip. I pet her and she cuddled with me. Cats hate me! I hate cats! But she's the sweetest thing and has this amazing personality. She'll talk for hours if you let her. She's silly and smart and agoraphobic, haha. I can see her and Linus being friends, they're both so sweet. Linus is all about being very best buds but Trouble's all like, "Yawn... Oh, you're here?" It is true what they say, we are our pets.
Every time my eyes fluttered open and he was sleeping peacefully next to me I couldn't help but smile. Had you told me a few years ago this is what my story would be I wouldn't believe you. Had you told me 6 months ago this is what my story would be I would have called you nuts and gotten angry. I've pushed myself to change because I deserve a better Tania and I want to share the better Tania with him.

This afternoon after an awesome therapy session I get a call from my older brother who was receiving complaints by Jr and my mom about me. Last night I left Linus home. Well my brother Jr left the gate open to the living room and was complaining because Linus ate a bunch of food that was left open in there. A bunch of food HE left open in there. He decided he was angry at ME because HE didn't remember Linus was home and HE left the gate and all HIS food open in easy to reach places. How the fuck is that remotely my fault? Only thing that has to do with me in that whole damn situation is Linus is my dog. The motherfucking end. He lives with a dog for which I pay rent for, he agreed to it, part of that is remembering to put the gate up if you don't want your shit to get eaten. So Jr told my mother and my older brother Danny. My mother then called Danny complaining about me as well and asked him to talk sense into me about being responsible with my dog and "my life choices." I was so hurt I almost exploded. My mom and Jr I don't mind, they're childish and I know how to handle them but the fact that Danny called me to get in the middle was what really pissed me off.

Tania-I'm not trying to be rude but I don't understand why you're getting involved. If they have issues with me they are adults and should be able to speak to me themselves. Since neither have said anything to me I have no beef with them. You are getting in the middle for no reason.
Danny-Well, I feel like you're being irresponsible and that you've been lying to me. I'm trying my hardest to help you realize your dreams and become an adult and you're not doing anything.

I blew up a little bit.

T- What the fuck are you talking about? Listen to me. I am an adult. Whatever I decide to do with my personal life is no one else's fucking business but my own. I didn't tell you you couldn't love Eddie, I've never told you you shouldn't do anything but take better care of your health. You all treat me like a little girl. I seriously just want to live my life. Having my own life is not lying to you, Danny. The world doesn't revolve around you. I have a lot of shit on my plate. My bad if I forget to tell you everything while I'm trying to put my fucking life together. Seriously? I'm hurt and offended and I don't want to talk to you. I can't believe you'd get in the middle of petty bullshit between squabbling women simply because I'm not living up YOUR expectations. I'm so disappointed I can't even speak. I'm hanging up now because I'm extremely upset.

I understand why everyone is acting the way they are but I really don't have to put up with them. I thought Danny was better than acting like my parents. It's really ruined my day.

I wish the nights never ended, I wish dreams lasted forever because life is just so utterly challenging sometimes. I'm so tired of crying over people who refuse to recognize how much I help them and how much I love them. I really hope they get their shit together but I'm really at my wits end right now.

I put myself in intensive therapy after I was assaulted in November. I read books and went to group meetings and classes. I learned about parenting and development in school and decided what I wanted to do with my life. I fell in love with Derek all over again and our friendship is developing into a respectful, supportive relationship. I did all the fucking shit in the last 6 months. No, I'm not doing anything to become an healthy happy adult... Ugh. I can't anymore.

I feel alone but it's not the end of the world.

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