Thursday, July 11, 2013

Magical Thinking

Lots of car accidents during the summer...
Today after I completed wound care and played action figures with my toddling patient, I lifted my pant leg and showed his guilt stricken mother my barely visible 20 yr old road rash scar from when I was run over by a car. I told her with time it faded and when it was visible I saw it as reminder of how I survived when I shouldn't have. As she hugged her toddler a small smile lit up her face, "Thank you," she said.
It was in that small smile I realized every "tragedy" I've lived through has helped me empathize and comfort people going through difficult times. As I'm getting older I'm finding myself grateful for everything that's ever happened to me. It also made me remember how precious life is. When I was a kid I thought it was a miracle I didn't die when I got run over by a car. From the sound of my patient's report the same goes for him. 

Maybe there's some really logical explanation for our survival which has to do with physics and odds and whatever but I feel like there's a natural balance in the world. I can't live and see the things I see and not feel a spiritual connection to everything and every one. 
Linus has a bad habit of needing to poop at like 2am sometimes. Looking up at the stars I acknowledge that I too am just a pinprick in the sky...
I've learned so much from all the mistakes and tragic things I've had to live through. I really care about Derek. He's a good person and seriously I want him to be my best friend. I regret hurting him. But the dramatic end of our relationship has been the catalyst for all the change I've undergone... All the change my family's undergone. All of it started with Danny's cancer and went into action when I tried to kill myself. I regret none of that because I like the person I have become. 
There was a time when Derek and I believed in fate. We loved each other so much we (at least I was) were convinced the gods had destined us to be with one another. After all these years him coming back into my life and our interactions being healthy and kind and respectful... It's awing. Say what you will, I thank the whole universe every morning and every night for him. He strengthens my belief in God and in goodness... He makes me grateful to be alive. Just knowing him, just being his friend is enough to motivate me to move mountains. I'm not putting him on a pedestal. I know each of his flaws I just accept them. I've learned the true meaning of love because of Derek. He didn't even do anything besides be his normal smartass self. I don't know what it is. He's like my missing piece. I have no other explanation for it besides it being something beyond me, beyond either of us. 

Today my friend asked me for relationship advice. I laughed in her face for a second but she was serious. I'm the wrong person to ask. I don't follow what's in Cosmo or wherever girls go for relationship advice nowadays. I told her what I found helpful was my mom asking me a dozen times whether I really wanted to be with Derek or if I just didn't want to be alone. I found my answer was that I truly loved him. Then I spent a few weeks figuring out what loving someone really meant and I realized that sometimes it's selfless... My friend told me she loved him, he was her best friend. I told her if she loved her dude she had to realize that right now he's too messed up to be her boyfriend. He loves her, he wants to be with her but he doesn't know how to be that guy. Sometimes loving someone is being there and loving them from the distance they need you to be until they figure out how to let you in. As much as we want there's no sledgehammer large enough to open those doors. She asked how its possible to not be resentful... If you feel resentful then you aren't truly being understanding and compassionate and therefore you're loving selfishly, and that's not what it's about. "It's the difference between hoping he's a healthier person for himself because you love him or hoping he's a healthier person so you can finally get married and have kids by the time you're 30." 

Magical thinking... fate... call it what you will I'm just grateful.  

*** not sure why it came out all dumb looking... too tired... will figure it out later...

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