Cranky

Like I said it's been a weird week. When Derek and I first began talking in May one of the questions he asked me back then was why I didn't like his mom. I don't dislike her, I was just always weary of her. The first time I was going to meet her he was so... uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassed. I knew what that was like. In the years I was with him I don't think he met my biological mother. The first time she came to visit was for mother's day. He warned me he got. She is one of his triggers I think. She is like a personification of his insecurities and worst memories. This is my opinion. It wasn't that I didn't like her it was that she was so unhealthy and had hurt him so much. I felt protective the way he feels about me and my family I think. It's really nothing personal against her I just don't like the way she makes Derek feel.

During that first visit Derek was very angry. I saw the interaction between the two... it was all too familiar. Maybe it's my own projection. I keep her at the same distance I keep my biological parents. My mother calls me her muneca. When I was little I remember loathing her toothless cigarette kisses. They felt wrong on my skin. I guess a lot of the way I am with his mom is how I am with my own parents. I hated it, growing up. That sense of... "Parent." Even at my littlest I remember disliking them because they were just so fucked up. Imagine a stranger walking up to you grabbing your hand and being like, "Let's go, I'm your dad." Um... No you're not! I remember so many uncomfortable memories when I was forced to socialize with these people who I disliked simply because they exchanged fluids one night in 1987. I guess I carry some of that in my feelings about Mary. Egg and sperm donors. It is not with contempt that I say this. Its fact. These people aren't parents. They had children but they aren't parents. They allowed their own illness get in the way of raising their children. I honestly believe it is a choice. I made the choice to not let anything hold me back. My parents made a choice to stay where they are. I don't know how they do it... I don't know how they live with nothing, look forward to nothing. It seems like a miserable life to me... I'm talking about my parents now... It always comes back to personal experiences.

I love my family but I'm ready to do my own thing. I'm getting restless. I know everything will be better in a few months but patience is a weak subject of mine. It's annoying figuring out what you want but knowing that it's not up to you to have it.

Anthony and I chatted this week. He asked about Derek... That was uncomfortable but I was honest about the situation. He responded with, "I truly wish you the best. You were good to me and a good person in general." Oh sad sweet Anthony... I want him to be the happiest ever. I wish him success and love and an endless amount of comfort. He has to want those things for himself though...

I love Derek. I want to keep him safe and happy.