Uncomfortable pretty much sums up the last few weeks. It's been sweaty balls hot out. I can't remember a heat wave like this since I was little. If it's too hot for kids to play outside then its too damn hot. Yay global warming! I'm just grateful summer feels like summer. Last summer was such a friggen wet noodle. Anyway... I feel uncomfortable in my skin. My head feels uncomfortable and as Aunt Flo is paying me a visit my body is rather uncomfortable too. I feel like such a whiny baby... I want to be more a grumpy grumbling old man. Kinda senile but randomly wise. Whiny babies cry with no real purpose besides being stupid. Grumpy old man has lived, he knows a thing or two and is too damn tired for shit. That's the type of complainer I want to be.
Its been a long day if you can't tell by my randomness. I feel like I'm about to hit an end to this period of my life. Whiny baby Tania is gonna grow up. I hate that I complain. I want to always be in the moment aware of how fortunate I always am. I've been moody and girly these last few days but I think I'm getting it out of my system before I start to work. Up until this point I feel like I have been preparing and planning. I know the basics in everything I need to do now. Budgeting, work, life, therapy, etc. Now I need to put it all together. I have a feeling if my life becomes the well oiled machine I hope it can be I'm going to have any complaints.
In my last few hours of babyhood I managed to be a sassy sally. My mother's lack of independence annoys me but I know it's really MY lack of independence which annoys me. Today Derek's blahblah I'm apathetic blahblah really got to me. Usually I can be like, "Whatever loser." But today I sassed.
Today I asked Derek a relationship-esque question and he nervously swatted me away. It doesn't even matter, they're just words anyway. "Boyfriend" it's an important title but if I'm being the existential Tania I'm hoping to be I'll realize it's all just words. The intentions never changed, the love never changed. However... I sassed again.
I guess I've been feeling selfish lately. I made my choice; I know what I want. Temptation was all up in my face and he was all like, "Yeah, go for it, he's wonderful." Which confused me then made me angry before I understood the situation I was in. There wasn't going to be a dramatic, "NO! I LOVE YOU TANIA CARMEN! *doves* I CAN NOT LET THIS BE! DO NOT CHOOSE HIM, PICK ME FOR I LOVE YOU!" Nope... and it took me all of 90 seconds to rationally come to a conclusion.
Today we had our annual family party. I was sassy to my mom like whoa. My grandma was super adorable. She kept whispering secrets in my ears. One of the whispered conversations we had was as follows,
"How's your Flaco?"
"Which one?" She laughs, "I'm serious, I like a lot of skinny boys." She giggles more.
"El Flaco." I laugh.
"Mami told you?"
"Well if I wait til you visit me to hear about your life I'd have to wait a long time."
"Ha, I promise to visit you more."
"You're the smartest... Is he kind?"
"He is. And respectful and responsible and considerate and gentle. He's a good man."
"I believe people can change."
"Me too. I know I did."
"You're a good, smart girl, I trust you. As long as he makes you happy and keeps you safe I'll be happy."
Throughout this she's stroking my hair, holding my hand, kissing my forehead. Ugh... I hate when I love people who are old... It's like... any moment... ugh. Anyway. This has to be one of my favorite memories of my grandma. She was wearing the earrings I got her for Christmas.
I know why I'm cranky! Because everyone but my own head kept reminding me about Derek. My nephews mentioned him, my grandma asked, I was sent pictures of adorable children thousands of miles away... I loved it all and that annoys me...
Just good advice for anyone in general, if you have to ask, "Are we together?" it means you're not the one deciding and the answer is no.
Its been an uncomfortable time...