I feel so fortunate that even though this year has probably been one of the wildest and most disorganized years of my whole life everyone is being super duper understanding. I'm so very thankful for the people who are in my life right now. I think things work out the way they need to. Maybe I did lose friends but if I'm honest with myself they were all emotionally unhealthy and at the moment I'm chock full of unhealthy people. It's not that I don't care about them but I'm sure if they were closer to me at this particular moment I would continue trying to fix their lives. I stopped giving my brother free passes and got stern with him and I walked home to a clean house and a respectful caring brother. We chatted and he said, "I'm really trying to be more... con... um..."
"I've noticed. I appreciate it."
I really do need to just worry about myself. I spoke to my therapist today (so thankful for her!) and told her I realize what I'm doing now. I mentioned cutting off my family for a month. She said she understood what I meant but that cutting people ou may make them feel hurt and resentful and isn't healthy for either party. It's healthy to communicate, so if they reach out saying, "Hey, I'm just overwhelmed, I love you, I'll call you when I feel ready," they understand that you're setting a boundary but also that you aren't angry or sad or spiteful.
I told her yesterday my mother tried to talk to me a problem she was having and I listened and said, "You're gonna have to decide what to do. I can't make your decisions for you." Saying that felt so empowering. I didn't feel guilty for not helping her because we're each on our own journey. I have enough on my plate before I go solving other people's problems. Essentially that's all I do at work. I need some time to recharge. That's why I melt down all the time. Derek mentions sometimes how emotional I used to be. I couldn't remember what he meant but now I do know. My emotions were turned on full volume. When I was angry I was blowout angry, when I was sad I was laying suicidal on the floor sad. I feel with the capacity of 1000 people. I didn't know how to deal with all that before in a healthy manner, I'm so grateful that I do now. My therapist told me to go away for a little, see if I can plan a vacation. It would be so nice to have the only thing I'm worried about be if I have enough sunscreen on and what I feel like eating. No bills, no work, no family, no worries. Yeah... give me that.
My therapist commended me on my friendship with Derek. "You see how this feels? It's even, no highs or lows. That's all the ingredients for a healthy relationship." That's all him. I'm just following his lead. He's a good leader. He listens to my input, he's flexible. I honestly like the dynamic. He's supportive and caring. Having that back in my life has enabled me to go deeper than I would have had the courage to go before. I can close my eyes and imagine the pieces of my life falling into place. I want to take a break from school to really build up that work program and get myself situated and organized. I'll start again in the Spring. I think I'll feel much more confident. I'm shocked I didn't have a seizure from all the information I was trying to pack into my brain the last 6 months. Childhood development, learning a new job, healing my past wounds, learning to be an adult, being physically healthier... I was trying to teach myself all of that from beginner level to competent all at once. I'm shaking my head because I was honestly angry with myself and felt like a failure for not being able to do it all. I'm crazy. Well... I was crazy.
I broke the cycle of abuse. I feel so lucky and so very fortunate that so many amazing people came into my life. I'm proud of myself for never giving up. I'm not sure if I feel optimistic of the future... I think I'm just starting to feel ready. I'm beginning to realize I'm resilient because I really do always try to be better than I was. Little by little I'm actually getting there.