Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Falling Together

I've been overwhelmed the last few weeks (years). I'm trying to do a lot at once. Today was an emotional day in therapy. I hate when the tears come out of no where. Having to parent myself and teach myself how to do everything is upsetting and overwhelming. This is what my parents wanted. My whole life they told me to teach myself like they taught themselves. This shit is difficult and unfair. I'm angry because I don't understand how someone could possibly grow up this way knowing it sucks and then just passes it off to their kids? That's where empathy comes back into place. I remember all the damage and pain I caused the last few years because I was so emotionally fucked up and didn't know how to deal with it. They're called cycles of abuse for a reason, because naturally the cycle just keeps repeating itself over and over again. Well... It ends with me.

After all that talk my therapist saw I was getting overwhelmed and she said, "Let's take a break from that stuff, tell me something happy that happened this week." I immediately smiled because his face and the week zoomed by in my mind. "Happiness hasn't been something I've been missing lately. I'm not unhappy, just stressed out." I told her about my cousin coming to visit and his family and how much I admire him. "How are things with Derek?" I have the worst poker face... "Calm..."
I'll leave the way I feel about him for my bedside journal. I am happy though. My life feels like it's falling into place. I'm learning how to not be so hard on myself and that there is a good kind of selfish.

My therapist confirmed that my mother's behavior lately is dictated by her own issues. She also told me I was basically set up to fail at being a functional adult because they sucked so bad. The funniest part of all of this is that if you asked any of my cousins they would have no problem telling you how perfect my life was and how fortunate I was. Yeah... super fortunate... it was awesome.
Although I am empathizing with my parents the annoyance creeps up rather frequently lately. Every mistake I've made I probably wouldn't have made if I had parents who weren't emotional basket cases. My relationship with Derek is on the top of that list...

All that anger and blaming is a waste of time. I can sit around being angry at everyone for my life being in the state it's in or I can stop bitching, forgive everyone and make my life the way I want it to be. The harder things get- the harder finding it to forgive. Usually forgiveness is something I can do instantaneously... I'm having to actively go through a process of forgiveness. I keep wanting to tell my parents about my annoyance with them but I stop myself, not because I'm scared but because I want to wait til I'm not angry about it anymore. I'll bring it up to them when I no longer have an emotional connection to the subject. I don't want their reaction to affect me in anyway. I want to be able to tell them and then shrug off whatever they have to say after because I no longer care. I love my parents but I plan to rip them a new asshole without raising my voice. They're going to get such a verbal licking theyre gonna wish i punched them in the face but i dont want it to come from a place of anger, I just want it to be the truth.

The openness of my future doesn't scare me anymore. I'm nervous but excited at all the possibilities my future has to offer. I know I'll handle it.

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