I feel so shitty. Run down. Sad. Danny's liking my statuses like crazy and my mom keeps calling me but for the first time in my life I don't care. I forgive and forgive and forgive... Even now, they are forgiven but I'm just tired. The other day when my mother apologized she tried saying that I never just stay quiet, I get angry and that makes things worse. She is right. If I'm trying to live this life of understanding I should be able to control my anger but the other part of me indignantly says, "So you're allowed to attack me and I'm not supposed to defend myself?" Not out of anger, no. If I want to live a peaceful loving life I need to be that way.
Yesterday with Derek I got very upset. His behavior last night is behavior which has been buried deep in a part of my brain from years of repeated trauma. Trying to play with my head and make me feel like I was expecting too much, being too into him too soon and all that crap is a trigger to so many other memories and times he did that to me. All I did was bring to his attention he didn't keep his word. He came back at me with "expecting too much."
I really don't have expectations beyond being respected. The way he's been acting- making me dinner, buying me gifts- all that has been on his own accord. I have not suggested or requested any of those things. It has been very nice and I have been very appreciative, but I'm not holding him up to that standard, he is. I would be just as happy hanging out in our sweats talking about nonsense. I love Derek for who he is not what he gives me. I love all of him, not just when he's being sweet. People's moods change, I understand that. This upcoming work week is looking like it's already going to royally annoy me. That's a huge factor in my mood for the rest of the week. I understand this coming month Derek is going to be at work 6 days a week. I'm sure that's overwhelming and frustrating. Although it makes me a little sad I won't get to see him as much I'm not going to make him feel bad about it, there's nothing we can do. I got angry yesterday because he wasn't communicating but I should take my mother's advice and just take a step back and think instead of biting back. I know better.
Looking back at last week Derek did give me something or do something cute for me every time I saw him. It's cute but not necessary. I wish he could feel comfortable being himself around me. I'm not a needy girl beyond needing people to communicate with me because although I am insightful and talented at anticipating people's needs, I am not a mind reader.
Derek has been the best part of my life lately. Derek. Not Derek's bracelet, not Derek's earrings or Derek's surprise adventure. Just Derek, the man. Those things are thoughtful and little surprises are nice every once in a while but I'm not expecting that stuff all the time. People have bad days, people get sad and feel frustrated and get annoyed. Honestly sometimes I just want to spend time sitting close to him doing nothing else. I believe he is a good man and worthy of my love. He has nothing to prove. If he wants to take it slow that's fine but I love him for exactly who he is.
It makes me so sad he thinks I expect so much. I love him so much that if he were a bum on the street I would bring him home, wash him up and help him get back on his feet. That's crazy talk, I know, I should really not divulge information like that but it's true. I don't care what others opinions of us are. All that is important to me is myself and Derek. He can test me and make me wait years, whatever, I'm not doing anything anyway. Or he can trust me and enjoy a fulfilling relationship. Either way it's his lead, I would just appreciate being clued in on what's going on.
I really just have to let go of my anger. Even when people are being unfair, as frustrating and annoying as it is I need to know that it's they're own issues. I acknowledge that now but I get angry because I really don't think it's difficult to be kind to people. If I don't like the way someone's talking to be I can simply say, "you're wrong and I don't like the way you're speaking to me." I'm always trying to save the world and teach people lessons- show them the error of their ways. It's not my job.
Just be patient, Tania. With others and yourself... It's a stressful time for a lot of people.
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