Saturday, July 6, 2013

Compromise and Moderation

I find Derek and myself interesting. How our stories are similar and yet entirely different. How we have the similar interests but could not be more different as people. It fascinates me. I enjoy that he shares the same ideas as I do and when we don't see eye to eye we enjoy debating and discussing things to see the other's points. When I'm with him it feels like I'm playing and hanging out with my best friend (who I want to french kiss :) ). Today we sat in the car listening to Kanye's new album in silence for almost two songs before anything was said. I wasn't worrying about what he was thinking or how I looked or what to talk about next like I used to. I was just enjoying listening to music and driving around with him. It wasn't until he said something that I realized time had passed. It's cool when I'm able to catch myself living in the moment.

Having a hispanic family can be tough growing up in America. They're super involved in a guilt trippy, judgmental way. It's awesome. I'm generalizing. The benefit of this family quirk is that I get to be really sure of the decisions I make. Everyone in my family rolls their eyes when I call Derek my friend. "Be real, you want to be more than friends," is what usually comes out of their mouths. Yeah. So what. There's a difference between expectation and hope. I can hope something happens but if it doesn't I haven't really invested much into it for it to affect me too long. Shattered expectations can be crippling. I'm tired of explaining myself to people so I just shrug and say, "Yeah, he's my friend," because in this very moment that is what we are. I can live in the land of expectations or I can live in reality and take things one step at a time. People wonder why I'm crazy it's because they made me a neurotic mess by always forcing me to think and worry about the future and imagine the most negative repercussions of my decisions. My annoying family has asked me so many questions that I know what I want. I want to be with someone who makes me laugh and hears me out and is kind and adventurous.

Like I said, Derek and I are similar yet completely different. Today spending time with him I had a conversation I had with my family yesterday in the forefront of my mind. My family thinks I'm talking to Derek because I'm trying to rebel and drive them crazy. I told all of them that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I'm a good person, I am also my own person and my actions aren't motivated by the suffering of others. I didn't delve further into the subject because it's none of their business. My mother is using transference. She thinks I'm making the same mistakes she made and looks at my past relationship with Derek the same as her and my father's. She's nuts but she has to figure that shit out on her own.

So during our time together I was taking in each moment the way it was. Enjoying music together felt natural. We had a great lunch and great conversation. We went shopping and joked around then we watched a movie. A day like that has never existed for my mom and dad. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Yeah, I know what I'm hoping for but I'm completely enjoying learning new things in the present moment. The fact that Derek and I are emotionally polar opposites is so educational. Today we had a talk about compromising and moderation. He feels most comfortable being alone and staying in. I like having an active social life. He compromised by taking me out on a fun date. We had a great day. He was funny and kind and silly. I tend to over do it and want a date to turn into a week long lovefest. I always have to remember baby steps. He doesn't want to come out and I never want to let go. The beauty of it is that because of how he is I'm learning to live closer to the middle and really understand compromise and a healthy amount of moderation and to enjoy and be grateful for how far I've come instead of worrying about how much farther I need to go.

Derek mentioned teaching in impoverished parts of the US the other day. Besides being a huge turn on it reminds me why I love him. We share morals and ideals, we believe in the same causes. I look at the people I admire to guide me. Cory Booker is one of those people. He went to Ivy League schools in the US and Europe and where did he build most of his career? Cleaning up the streets of Newark, New Jersey. He's done an incredible job and really made a huge difference. If I want to make a difference I have to go where people need the most help.
When we were kids and I was scared of the world, Derek would talk about moving to Montana or Oregon or California. I was always against it because I liked New Jersey and I saw myself working in a big fancy hospital in the City. Life's funny. Now that I've worked in home care and understand the importance of education I want to go out and help people. There are places in the country children go to sleep hungry and beaten. I want to go to those places and help families. The American education system is such crap. I left 18 years of schooling with absolutely no life skills. My high school covered the stock market in one lesson. I'm supposed to understand how to invest money from one 35 minute lesson when I was 16 years old? It's crap. American children spend more time in school than they do with their families and yet schools don't teach children morals or real life skills. So how are children going to progress?
My cousin Jessy was a smart girl but her parents were in and out of jail and she and her brother had to to raise themselves. Jessy ended up dropping out of school and getting pregnant. She went back to school and became a real estate agent but the market was then terrible so she just decided to stay at home and have more babies. What if Jessy had been emotionally more healthy? What if at school they taught her how to build her self esteem and talk about feelings and shit. Maybe she would have stayed in school and done something different with her life. Having drug addicts for parents is really fucking hard. Essentially Jessy had no parents but instead of school being a place to teach her how to deal with actual issues they allowed her to be part of that urban system. I want to change that.

He motivates me. He inspires me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful. I feel smart and completely myself around him. Of course I hope for more but for right now my life is good the way it is. A cat on a leash is probably the funniest thing I've ever witnessed and I got to do that today because I was completely in the moment. I wasn't in my head thinking about the future, not crying because he isn't my boyfriend; I was in the moment laughing and having a great time with someone amazing. So when my nosy family tries to tell me what they think my friendship with Derek is I just smile and say okay because I don't care. I'm completely at ease and happy with life right now.

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