"This is who I am. I can't change who I am."
"I don't know how to be any other way."
"I just have to live with it."
"I can't control how I react!"
All that is bullshit. I'm not trying to be insensitive- I'm being real. It's all caca. You have control over who you are, how you act and whether you can change a behavior. I don't know all the rules to soccer but if I really wanted to I would take the time, read some books, talk to some experts and BAM I'll know all I need to know about soccer. It's the same thing with being the person you want to become. You put in the fucking effort. You try and practice and practice and practice. You don't get frustrated with yourself, you are kind to yourself and you patient with yourself. You have to realize that that anxiety you feel about change is not going to kill you. Change isn't an ax murderer waiting in the bushes. Making mistakes will not kill you. But continuing to live with fear dictating your every move... That's not really living if you ask me.
The moment I changed...
I broke up with Anthony because after nearly 2 years together he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his future, whether or not I was part of that future and whether or not we even wanted the same things. I loved him. He loved me. I kept trying to help him get a job. Set up interviews for him, got people to review his resume, I was an amazing girlfriend and support system. But he declined the job I got him the interview for and never revised his resume after I had people I value take time out of their busy schedules to help him. He wasn't pulling his weight and I felt myself resenting him. The second I wished I was kissing someone else instead of him I ended it.
After we broke up I realized I didn't really want to be with other people, I was just angry at him for not knowing what he wanted. I loved him. It was hard letting Anthony go. After we broke up we played the "hang out, getting back together kinda only to break up again" for a few weeks until Anthony sat me down and told me he hadn't changed. I did act out of control. I cried, I called, I was angry. My birthday was the night that changed my life... again.
My friend threw me a party and Anthony decided he didn't want to go. I got super duper drunk and drunk dialed him like a million times. We spent the whole night arguing. I was a drunk mess. My friend who was also drunk kicked me out of her house while I was still drunk at like 5am. I drove to Anthony's to argue some more. At one point I poked his chest hard. It was the first time I saw him angry. He screamed at me and I sobered up.
"It's me." I said out loud.
He was still red but already calming down when he asked, "What?"
"I need help, Anthony. Like professional help. This isn't how I want to act. I need help."
"We both do. It can't hurt. I'm sorry I snapped."
"I got aggressive, you had every right."
Feeling like abandonment was always a second away I grew up tense and when people left me (even if I left them) it felt like abandonment which was utter agony. I believed that if people left it was because I hadn't been good enough for them to stay. Always wanting the approval and love of others made me very perceptive, adaptable, observant, I can anticipate the needs of others and am endlessly supportive. It makes me a good girlfriend, it'll make me an amazing mom and wife. I like those things about myself because they are good qualities for someone in my field and with my goals. The crazy would come up because if people rejected me despite me being everything they needed I used to internalize it. "I'm not good enough, I have to be better!", "It's because I'm fat, I need to be thinner.", "It's because I'm stupid, I need to be smarter." I know what you're thinking... I was fucking nuts, lol. I agree completely.
Looking back on who I was breaks my heart. She makes me cry. I just want to step into my past and hug her and tell her she's perfect and good and lovable and she doesn't need the approval of others as long as she loves herself. I wish I could convince her that other people's actions we not her fault. She was adopted because her biological parents loved her enough to recognize that they couldn't give her the life she deserved. I wish I could tell her that she is so loved, Ana and Al completely changed who they were because they recognized they were hurting her.
One night about a month ago Derek confided in me how much he had loved me. My weight didn't matter, my looks didn't matter, he loved me for me. That's agonizing... Looking back so much pain, so much mistrust, so much self sabotage and self hatred all because people weren't able to express themselves honestly and in a healthy manner. If my biological parents once brought up the fact that they loved me but knew they were just gonna fuck up my life I wouldn't have abandonment issues. If my parents took time out to be kind and express that they loved me I wouldn't have been as fucked up as I was. If Derek had treated me the way he actually felt about me I would have known that I was safe. I didn't need to be perfect all the time. No one was going to leave me because they all loved me very much... FUCK! That hurts so much. So much pain would have been avoided if people weren't so fucked up. That's nuts.
When I called the 24 hour hotline for my therapy center I didn't know who I wanted to be! I just knew I didn't want to be the person I was anymore and that professionals could help me become healthy. I went to all their classes, I learned about myself and was able to see the issues I had in women in their 50s and others in their 70s. The 70something year old woman in our group scared the shit out of me. She was bat shit paranoid and crazy after 50 years of marriage to an abusive fuck. She was convinced she was worthless and made excuses for changing. She just wanted to complain but when people gave her suggestions she was like, "Well I can't do that." She made me inexplicably angry. In my head I would scream, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO CHANGE?! GO THE FUCK HOME TO YOUR PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND AND WORRY FOR YOUR SAFETY UNTIL HE DIES!" She once said, "I'll be free when he's dead. I hope he croaks sooner rather than later." WHAT?!!! You are free right now! There is nothing and no one who can stop you from being happy and making your life the way you want it besides death and certain governments. If you aren't dead then anything that comes out of your mouth besides, "I'm gonna do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy," (or any variation of that) it's just a damn excuse.
It doesn't matter if you're in chains and being tortured. If you're free in your mind, compassionate and understanding with all, trusting in your heart and gut, and loving no matter what... nothing will ever negatively affect you again! The big picture in regards to Jesus being crucified is that fact that even though he was beaten and essentially murdered he was still free. He held no resentment, no pain, he still loved and he died still praying for the goodness in others because, "They know not what they do." But they can learn! You can be in control of your actions and let love instead of hate or worse, FEAR, rule your life.
The biggest lesson I've learned is to be free to be who I am and allowing others their freedom to express themselves as well. I will educate anyone who will listen but that doesn't mean they'll allow themselves the freedom to grow. To be better we must let go of the chains of past mistakes and pain and live in the present. It's accepting people for who they are now, not who they were in the past.
What Derek did which was most painful and fairly traumatizing was his relationship with the chick he left me for. He was able to be kind, love and support her from the second he met her. Five years I jumped through hoops. Five years I put up with bullying. Five years I had to prove myself and in weeks she knew secrets about him he never told me. That shit just reinforced that fact that it was me. I wasn't lovable. It was a proven fact- I was difficult to love. Since I was tired of trying so fucking hard to make people (Derek, my parents, my family, friends, strangers, employers) love me, suicide seem appropriate. It was the wake up call my family needed to recognize that something was fucking wrong and we all needed to change.
Oddly enough losing Derek and attempting suicide was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Since that moment nothing has been the same. When I got laid off my family was super supportive and understanding when I thought they would blame me for not being good enough. Getting laid off was the second best thing to happen to me and getting raped in November was the third best thing to happen to me. I'm being completely honest. Through these awful experiences I have come out better and stronger because of them. After the suicide I learned that I was loved. After the lay off I learned that I had a good support system and not to be a scared little push over professionally. After the rape I learned again that my family would always be there for me and that I needed to learn how to love myself and find my self worth.
You know how much I wish someone I loved came up to me and said, "I know exactly what to do to help you, all you have to do is trust me"? A lot. I learned the very very hard way by hitting super rock bottom and getting up every single time. I didn't stop loving people, I didn't stop trusting people because I understood that "they know not what they do." Most people are just bumbling around life coping as best as they can. I have the tools. I'm willing to share my tools with people, teach them how to use these tools to fix all the pain inside. By they have to let me in. Nothing will be accomplished without love and trust. Let go of the shackles of your pain for you are the only one imprisoning yourself there. Take your freedom back. Be free, receptive and trusting like you were when you were a kid. Wipe the slate clean and start over. It's completely up to you.