Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Caesar Cardini

The last week has been rough but somehow I'm smiling and breathing comfortably. Derek is full of surprises.
"Surprise! I like you back even though you're a nerdy 17 year old chubby graham cracker with the personality of a CareBear and I'm a sexy curly haired broody white boy with piercings and tattoos."
"Surprise! Here's your initials forever imprinted on my skin!"
"Surprise! I'm going to help you grow and learn!" 
I was super low this weekend. I tried reaching out to friends but everyone was busy and I was in such a bad mood I wouldn't enjoy my time out anyway. I was telling Derek how overwhelmed I felt. He wasn't very responsive at first. Then... Surprise. 
Yesterday evening as I walked up his steps I took a deep breath. I was surprised to find myself in front of his door. "Gonna run a ton of errands then chart then hopefully Derek doesn't change his mind about tonight. If so, whatever," I remember writing that in my journal earlier in the morning. He kept his word. I knew that if I walked in and he had made me ramen noodles for dinner I would eat them up with all the gratitude in the world because before I walked in I was already grateful. He promised a stress free night and thats what was delivered. He actually made me dinner from scratch and it was delicious. We had a great time talking. I love our conversations. I feel a beam of pride when I can share a new bit of random information. I love that he's constantly teaching me something new... I guess we teach each other new things. 

After dinner we hung out and played video games. I was half worried he was going to scold or criticize the way I played but he was super patient and cute and helpful. A small part of me is still apprehensive- sometimes I feel the memory of how we used to be tighten my airway but he always reacts calmly, respectfully and understanding. As time goes on I'm learning to trust this Derek as I hope he's learning to trust me now.
We talked through the night; he let me in, I opened his eyes to things he never realized. When I awoke I was already prepared for him to be gone, retreating within himself but the sweet man was not a dream. I got some work down, he drank coffee; we sat outside talking, my dad drove by, I nodded at him, we talked some more; he opened my eyes to things I never realized. 

My day went by amazingly. I took my time with my patients and I really talked with the families and spent time getting to know them and educating them. I felt motivated to look things up online for them, I want to make charts and packets with information on attachment and bonding. I did a power point, maybe I can turn that into a cute fact sheet. I run a whole program at my job and I've made very little head way with it. I think the next few months I'm going to really take charge and make it the program I want it to be. Maybe I can get Lisa to brainstorm with me. It would be amazing to say I started a program from the ground up and see real progress with these kids and families. See! My mind just is so open to anything. 

I know I have to sacrifice now for a better tomorrow. I love that the things that come easy to me such as; socializing, being nice, taking care of people, being emotional- aren't Derek's strong points but he's amazing at saving money, making healthy choices, being responsible, and looking at situations logically. I suck at that. I help him, he helps me. When I told him how much I made he went into calculator mode and rough drafted a budget for me and made me feel really silly for feeling helpless. All my anxiety went away. I knew I would be fine no matter what. 

A few hours taking a break from my life and I feel like I went on a week long spiritual retreat. I've discovered so much about myself today. I'm proud of myself but I am so very proud of Derek. He's maturing, exercising his kindness, recognizing and questioning things about himself. It wonderful to ask yourself questions, it's how you keep yourself in check. "Am I being kind?" is a question I'm always asking myself. "Am I a thoughtful person?" "Am I loving selflessly?" 

Lastly I learned a trick that gives my every move purpose. I close my eyes and imagine myself with a little boy, my little boy. I can't tell you what he looks like, only how he feels, how he laughs, how he plays and makes me giggle. I see myself baking cookies and doing crafts and planning adventures like treasure hunts. I see myself allowing to get wrapped up in his imagination. I imagine every night laying in bed with him as we say good night and I imagine myself saying "Thank you for one more day." Imagining that chubby preschool hand in my palm is all I need to get through anything. Just the idea of loving my child fills me with warmth and hope and purpose. Whoever my children are I am going to love them. 

I'm not baby crazy. I know I have a lot of work to do and a lot of life to enjoy before I devote my life to my children but like some people imagine themselves as CEOs or athlete's that's the way I view parenting. It's always been a dream. 

I'm not planning my future, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I am completely in the present moment. I just finally recognize that I have a real opportunity to completely change my life and it doesn't scare me anymore.   

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