I knew Zimmerman was going to get off. I felt it from the moment I heard Fox news take this guy's side. I've been having dreams the past few days, bad dreams. That was a recurring one for the last couple of days, I think the bad dreams added to my grumpiness. I knew it in my bones he was going to get off. I've been staying away from TV for the past few months, I get most my news updates from Twitter and NPR. I don't understand the American news channels need for tragedy porn. This thing has gone as far as pictures of Treyvon's dead body being leaked. But I think in this age of instant communication this case needed to be a big deal. I feel change coming... The time when women and minorities stand up and demand equality has come. The blatant discrimination against women is being made evident in Texas thanks to Wendy Davis' 13 hour filibuster. It came out that guns were allowed in but tampons and pads were confiscated. People are reading that on the internet. Thanks to facebook and twitter individuals can share outrageous stories as soon as they read them. Now with Zimmerman's verdict in seconds people looked up and shared on social media various other cases where the races and genders were switched and the verdict was completely different. Maybe I'm an optimist but things need to change and I think more and more people are recognizing that.
I hope to spend the majority of my life being a human rights activist. I'm not entirely sure how to do this... I want to get my act completely together first and then embark on helping others. Being so messed up helps me when interacting with other people. I see it in my patient's families. I know how to make them feel at ease. My patient yesterday, her mother most likely did or had done lots of drugs at one point in her life. When I came in she was very short with me and very serious. She was smoking a cigarette and her eyes were half shut. I don't go into people's home's to judge. The home wasn't well maintained but it was clean and the child was happy. The interaction between the two showed that there was a lot of love in their home, as dysfunctional as they were. By the end of my time with them her mother walked me out, "Bye Miss Tania! Be safe on your way home and come visit us anytime!" Immediately I hoped that little girl would go to college and be whatever she wanted to be and have a different ending to her story and not get sucked into the poverty cycle. I want to see my country different. I want to live in a country of compassion and understanding and tolerance. I can keep wishing that or I can really do something with myself to make that happen. I must be the change I want to see in the world.
I'm in love with someone who may never trust me. If there is no trust there can be no healthy love. I have no expectations but I have hopes... when I'm low my mind plays tricks on me. Thoughts pass through my head like, "Maybe it's because you're not good enough. Whatever it is it's definitely your fault." It takes a lot of energy to recognize those thoughts aren't true. Whenever my friends are sad I point out all their good qualities and remind them that they deserve more. Yesterday, I was talking to my friend and told her how sometimes it's so hard to love selflessly. She said, "You are a kind, smart, loving, beautiful, and compassionate person. You deserve someone who recognizes that and who can sometimes let you be selfish. You can love him with your whole heart but if someone else comes along who is willing to be all those things for you, well, know that you should always do what's best for you. Just like my dude... We're getting our doctrines! These dudes are sabotaging their own lives. But like you said to me, don't take anything personal."
Don't take anything personal... I need to order another copy of that book and read it every day until I have every page memorized. My friend was right. I need to remember what I deserve and I need to treat myself nicer. I've slowly been melting down as I put more on my plate but I need to stop that before I let it get out of hand. You can handle anything Tania. You have handle everything that's been thrown at you. You are strong, you are tough. Take a deep breath, relax, you can totally manage healthy... It's just going to take practice and patience and kindness.
The world isn't going to change over night. You aren't going to either. You are so much more emotionally healthy than you have ever been before. Take pride in that. You are making progress everyday. Don't falter. Change is hard work but you've done hard work before. You can be who you want to be... if you want to make it happen.