Oh my God I'm PMSing. Although women are more emotional I think men have something similar. I mainly hang out with men and I feel they get moody/broody about once a month for a couple of days. Girls cry and stuff because we're allowed to show our emotions but I remember Jamie used to lock himself in his room for like a couple days every few weeks. Derek was the king of manstruation (see what I did there?) until I started living with my brother, Jebus... talk about mood swings.
I've been a moody mess all day. Started the day happy, then got super cranky, then my crankiness plateaued, then I was super happy again only to fall right back into cranky. I'm quarantining myself for the rest of the day. Probably just gonna end up crying on someone if I leave the house. I fucking hate being a girl.
I had this awesome patient today. She was sassy and funny and cute. She got hit by a car and I was there to change her wound. She was so much fun. She kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm too much sometimes." I told her about my car accident. She asked so many questions and I patiently answered them all.
"Is this the ugliest wound you've ever seen of all time?" She asked crinkling her nose.
"No." I smirked.
"No? Ew... you've seen nastier things than this? You're brave."
"You are too." I had spent most of my day cranky so I wasn't the bubbliest when I arrived.
"Do you have other patients right now who need wound care?"
"Actually yeah, a little toddler. His wound is on his face."
"Wow... Am I the only kid you know who's been hit by a car?"
"Nope! That little boy I mentioned before was hit by a car and I was too when I was little."
"Wow!!! Really?! Did you lose part of your leg like me?"
"No... I did have a scar on my leg, but most my injuries were inside."
"Is that called internal bleeding?"
"It is. You're really smart."
"Thank you. Can I see your scar?" I lifted my pant leg and showed her. "Oh my God!!! You can barely see it! I'm gonna have such an ugly scar..."
"Never be ashamed of your scars. They're proof that you're a survivor, and you should always be proud of that."I smiled and started packing up my things.
She sat there quietly. I was worried I came off too stern for a split second and then she said, bubblier than ever, "My daddy says whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
"Always remember that. You can survive anything." She smiled and asked for a hug which if you read my last post you know it's one of my favorite things to do.
"I hope that other little boy feels better," I looked at her puzzled, "The boy with the wound on his face. I hope he gets better real soon."
"You're sweet. He will, don't worry."
I left there and cried on the ride home realizing how kids have it right.
And then after all that I still got all bitchy with everyone. I recognized it immediately but waited to apologize after my irrational annoyance passed. I give up on today. I'm being hard on myself, everyone has bad days. I just had so many good days in a row... its hard giving that up. I feel like most the people I've been friends with were friends with me for what they could gain. The second shit got real they tended to bounce. I should be able to be myself and have bad days and not get judged for that but I worry that I do... I need to back off from everything for a little while. I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough and that's just my mind playing tricks on me and making assumptions so I think I'm gonna take a nap and retreat into myself for a little while. I feel like a werewolf...