Saturday, July 6, 2013


My social life has been in a bit of a rut. I'm sure everyone is just busy but I have this inkling that some of my old friends don't like the ways in which I'm changing. Today I ran into someone and they told me all the shit one of my old friends said about me. I shrugged my shoulders and carried on but I now know why she hasn't hit me up. It doesn't really bother me because I know the things I'm doing to improve my life currently are the right things. People can think I'm being saintly and snobby but that's their own insecurities. I'm kind to everyone and if I see that girl again I'm going to continue being kind to her as well.
I've realized that people really can't recognize how crazy they are. I've also learned to recognize and admire people who really are mentally healthy. I feel lonely sometimes but I get Caitlin's busy moving into a new place with Chris, Percy has a ton on her plate, Ellen is having trouble accepting my new positive outlook, Lisa is going through her own stuff and Kaitlin just had a baby. I totally get it but I really miss my friends. Also the fact that I dated Anthony completely sucks because we used to be pretty decent summer time friends for years before we dated. Texting silly things a couple of times a week is one thing, being able to be real friends again is possibly never going to happen. Sucks, he's hands down one of the greatest friends I've ever had.
Anthony's sister dated an older dude. Anthony and I used to think it was so odd because his sister and her guy used to hang out with his ex wife and her new husband. So essentially two people who had sex hanging out with the new people they're having sex with. When I asked his sister if it was weird she was like, "No. They got married because they were best friends and loved each other but they figured out they we're meant to be more than best friends. So they got a divorce and are now best friends." My immature head exploded but I get it now.
The last six months of my relationship with Anthony we were like siblings. He slept over everyday, we hung out all the time. I took care of him and fed him, he'd run errands and help out. When I started finding myself attracted to other men I realized that Anthony was becoming a family member to me. Sometimes he was like a brother, other times like a parent, and a few times I even felt like he was my kid but I stopped feeling like he was significant other.
More time needs to pass but maybe one day we could be friends. He's like the most non-judgmental human being on the planet. Our entire relationship he refused to side with me that Derek was a monster. "He's just a dude. People make mistakes." We used to get in the biggest arguments over it. I could be such a cunt. I was so hurt. But not once did he budge. He's a pretty golden guy. I wish Derek and him could be good friends again but that's probably a lot to ask. I feel bad I mucked up that friendship, I guess that's why I was such a jerk at Anthony for not hating Derek. Anthony felt guilty because he was being a bad friend to Derek and I felt guilty because I was the reason he was being a bad friend.
... Remember when the last 3 years of my life were a Soap Opera? Glad things have crazied down a bit.  Life is starting to flow at an even pace. Less like a roller coaster more like a smooth state highway.

Maybe I'll go on a road trip to see something cool and drive through the US. I'm used to driving long hours and the point would be to find cool stops in between. Sounds like I may have figured out what I'm doing for my vacation. :)

I miss Caitlin. I know she's busy. I miss her terribly though. I want to give her a hug and get coffee and talk for 10 hours. She's my best friend. I'm super proud of her and really happy that she's doing so well.  I need to call up Tommy. That dude's my boy and he's so close I dunno why I always forget to hit him up. Okay I'm just rambling.    

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