Sunday, July 14, 2013

New Plan

New plan. Get life together, save up lots of money, pack up shit, relocated far far away, start my life over.
I'm tired of my life here. I travel the same roads I always have expecting something new. I change. That's the only real difference. People see me as the same person... The people I love are changing too but they are each on their own journeys. I need to worry about my journey and quit sticking around hoping for a different ending to the same story. 
I'm frustrated with my life. I feel like I'm doing it all right but still getting it wrong. 
I spend the majority of my time alone. I feel overwhelmed and stir crazy and claustrophobic. I've learned that people are only around when they reap the benefits of my presence. When I need a friend suddenly everyone is missing. 
I feel like my entire view on life is being tested. I am good and trying my very best to be happy and fun and healthy. If anything it's made me lose friends... Bettering myself has been the loneliest journey. I can only do it alone but people start dropping like flies when they see you're starting to get happy.
Life is a constant struggle but you're supposed to get by with a little help from your friends... I've got my dog but he's still just a fucking dog. I'm upset with my dog for not being human. 
I need to get the fuck out of central jersey. I deserve people who will want to be around me. I need to take consolation in the fact that I don't need anyone. I am strong and I am brave and I am successful. If I want to relocate to Hawaii, be an amazing nurse on a little island and marry a beautiful Samoan that's exactly what I'll do. If I want to move to Texas and fight for women's rights I will. If I want to move to Tennessee and help kids with cancer that is also a possibility. I can do anything. I will do a lot. Whoever wants to be by my side is more than welcome but fuck anyone who thinks I'm going to pine over them. I am important. I am a good person and a good friend. Why do I keep forgetting not to take things personally? People suck Tania. You are amazing because you try really hard to be every day. Don't let others jealousy and aversion to change make you feel inadequate or ugly, fat, or unlovable. It's their inability to love not your inability to be loved.  

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