The last few days have been stressful but I have been handling the stress well enough. I'm doing well at work- I even started networking with other departments. I'm not trying to climb the corporate ladder, that ain't my thang, but the more people know about me and the program I run maybe they'll think to donate, or tell their friends about it. Maybe they'll see my passion and actually listen... Maybe that's a stretch, haha but a dreamer can dream.
Growing up my imagination was one of the things that saved me from all the unhappiness. I was always telling myself stories to entertain myself. I loved writing! When I learned I made it my business to fill up notebooks with stories and drawings. I remember writing really adult themed stories and would illustrate them too. I have always been in my head thinking a million thoughts, imagining a million things. I've also always been a hopeless romantic. Growing up nothing I ever did was good enough... But in my mind... I could make myself the perfect daughter/sister/girlfriend. My family was so critical. I never did anything that required people to watch me. I remember as a 5 year old being really uncomfortable playing in front of my mother. I felt uncomfortable PLAYING. I was always terrified of doing something wrong so I just followed orders and hoped they loved me. Growing up like that you learn to live in your head instead of the world. This last year of my life I feel like I'm not only participating, I'm taking control. I don't give a fuck anymore, haha. It's scary but liberating and a lot of fun.
After years of progress I think most of my family is regressing. I don't feel like talking to Danny yet, I dunno why, I guess I want to see if he apologizes first. It's not gonna happen. Jr is being petty and talking about me. Today I went to talk to my mom because I really need her to stop sending people to attack me. Danny is on my grumpy list now because of her. She brought up the conversation. It was Alec's birthday. I mentioned to her that he had been rude to me and I had to scold him.
"Well... I dunno. Maybe he's upset with you because he doesn't approve of your life choices," she said without looking up.
"Okay, you need to stop doing that. If you're upset with me act like an adult and tell me your upset, don't put someone else in the middle. 'Your father's going to be so upset' he just hugged me and told me he loved me. Own your feelings."
"Whatever. I don't even care, " at this point she's making empanadas the most violent way I've ever seen. My head is in my hands just completely baffled by her behavior.
"Yeah, it looks like you don't..." as I watch her pounding the masa with her palm.
"Whatever, you're ruining your life. I can't believe you're sleeping with him!"
"Um... What?"
"I saw your car the other morning at his house. You have no respect for yourself, you expect the people around you to respect you while your writhing with some dude? That's not okay in God's eyes!"
"No... This is not okay in God's eyes. That was extremely rude!"
"Well if there was someone in here with respect maybe I would treat them with some!"
"I respect myself."
"And I'm a super model."
"I don't want to fight because I love you. This is pointless because I'm going to live my life the way I want to and you're just going to have to deal with it like you did with Danny's gayness and Rudy's family and Jr just being Jr. Why not skip to the part where you're over it instead of hurting my feelings and being really judgmental?"
"Then why bring this shit up?!"
"I didn't, you did, can you take accountability for nothing?.. you're so frustrating!"
"You're frustrated? I'm frustrated! I didn't raise you to be a slut. You're probably only back with him for the sex. It makes sense now, he's the best you've ever had. You should be ashamed of yourself." This brought me back to reality.
"You think after everything Derek and I put each other through and after everything I've learned and overcame and after 3 years of being apart I went back to him for sex? That's the most disrespectful thing you've ever said to me. I'm not a fucking whore, but thanks."
"Who knows, you probably are. All you do is lie and disrespect yourself..."
"You need to stop and remember for a god damn second that I'm your daughter. Don't speak to me that way."
"Again with this big demanding respect act from the girl spreading her legs for someone she almost killed herself over." I took a deep breath.
"I understand you're upset and scared but you don't have to be rude to me. I'm almost 26 years old. If I want to sleep with a man that is my own personal business and if God has a problem with it he can let me know himself. Stop judging me! Who are you to judge me."
"I'm not scared, nope, you're screwing yourself over. Read the Bible, that's you'll find there they say no sex before marriage."
"It also says about a million times, be kind, be kind, be kind! Love one another! Forgive! Be compassionate and understanding! In the Bible does it say that God is controlling our every move like puppets? Is He making our decisions for us and ordering us around?" there was silence, "I'm asking a question... Oh you forgot that part? I'll remind you- it's called free will. So you mean to tell me that the God you have all your faith in gave me free will so that you could control my life?"
"Fine! Go, live with him, marry him, go make up with his family who tossed you aside the first chance they got, move to Florida, go! When your fantasy comes tumbling down or you end up dead in a gutter don't come calling me asking for help."
"I can assure you, Ma, if I end up dead in a gutter I will not call you." She was not amused... "So this is your decision? You're going to stop talking to me because I'm a 26 year old woman with a personal life?"
"Which you're making public to the whole world!"
"Anthony slept over my house 5 nights a week for our entire relationship. You knew, why not this reaction? I don't know what it is about my relationship with Derek that's always had you guys like this."
"Whatever! Wait and watch and come back in a few months, you're getting played like a fool. When you're penniless then come try to cry on my shoulder."
"Penniless? Oh... you mean like I am now?"
"Leave your brother out of it. Go move on your own and have him sleep over your place. You know if you get your own place he's going to want to move in with you."
"Awesome. That would be amazing."
"No self-respect! Say what you will about me I did my life right."
"You did your life right?" As I say this my eyes squint and I lean forward to make sure I was understanding correcting.
"Yes, I did my life right. I waited til I got married to have sex..."
"You did your life 'right?' What?... if marrying someone you barely knew and didn't love at 17 to leave your controlling family and then living 40 miserable abusive years with that person is 'doing it right' then you can keep it! Papi left his country all alone to come here and start a new life, you disobeyed your parents and married some dude to get out of your house... Everyone in this family has been able to live their lives. I am just trying to live mine. And you know what?! Derek has grown into a really good person, just as I have. He's kind and considerate and makes me feel care about and smart."
"Yes, yes I'm sure, liar."
"You're a child. Grow up, Mami! This is probably the most unChristian I have ever seen you in my entire life. Pull yourself together! Go read the Bible and really meditate on all the things you said to me just now and the fact that you will never be able to unsay those things. You can keep being angry and rude or you can get over it and let me live my own damn life." Here she became shrill. As I grabbed my purse and walked out I just kept repeating, "Get over it."
Had you told me 3 months ago this is what my mother and my relationship was going to dissolve to I would have called you crazy. We used to be best friends... Today my mother regressed to a point of not acknowledging ANY of the mistakes she's committed in her life while sitting perfectly mounted on her high horse. I guess this is the opportunity I needed to take a break from that relationship which has been the unhealthiest lately. She really needs to work through those issues but it is definitely not my problem.
Of course I'm going to forgive her, she's my mom.
I saw my sister for a little today. I've learned to appreciate her. I am the Derek in that relationship. I've been cold and indifferent for years but in all honesty the last 3 years (especially this last year) she's shown me consistently that she's understanding, patient, funny, and wise. I told her a little bit about the situation.
"You're 26 mothefucking years old! You're grown and successful and beautiful and young- you can do whatever the fuck you want to do and that's what she should be encouraging. I understand the situation isn't the best because of y'alls past and whatever but it's been 3 years, both of you have grown up, lived life, matured. I see it in you! If you pay your own bills then you get to live your own goddamn life the way you want to. You wanna spend your weekends on a hippie farm humping trees then that is your motherfucking right! It's not their place to judge, it's their place to accept and love you no matter what. Damn girl I feel you, my family does the same shit, the guilt trips the insults. You're having sex... So what? Ugh... they make my head hurt!" she ranted. hah.
Laiza has been endlessly supportive. I think I'm starting to love her... Laiza is another relationship my mother doesn't approve of. It's almost funny that the two relationships she's being so horrible towards me for are the most nurturing, healthy, and caring relationships I have.
My evening ended with a nice movie night with Derek, Trouble, Linus and myself. Linus ate something he wasn't supposed to and needed to go out like a million times to eat grass and puke. Totes killed the mood. Found out Linus is not a fan of Derek, lol. Linus has never ever ever been jealous of anyone, it's super bizarre. I was hugging Derek and Linus started whining. For the last year Linus has received all of my love and affection. I love my dog so very much. When I look at him I see a mischievous little boy.
But now Derek is back in my life. I'm super in love with Derek. So much so my dog actually got jealous. I should cut my pup some slack, we've been through a lot of changes this year. I guess I'm being kinda an asshole about that. I should acknowledge animals have their routines and once a ritual is broken they get confused and anxious. Thus Linus eating shit that wasn't edible and puking on and off for 2 hours. The last two days have been so stressful. Everyone keeps commenting that I look and sound tense. Um... Yeah... 3 of my family members and my dog are mad at me because I love someone more than them. Ummmm isn't that what's supposed to happen? I am working hard and living my life and really feeling proud and confident in myself. Why is everyone so Goddamn crazy?
Derek mentioned that he got me something small, a gift. He made a date for us to hang out. I really didn't have any expectations so I really didn't expect what I got. It was perfect. A beautiful and unique bracelet made up of wings. I asked God in the morning to help me get through the day with my head held high even though people are being hurtful. After the argument with my mom I asked God for guidance and encouragement that I'm on the right path despite everyone telling me I'm wrong. When I opened the gift and saw the bracelet and suddenly I felt like I could breathe. I can't explain why but it brought me this sense of serenity and I knew I was going to be fine. I am resilient and have risen to the challenges placed in front of me time and time again. I'm gonna be fine.
Actually... I'm going to be better than fine. When my mom was throwing her poison at me I smiled on the inside. Oh... you think I'm going to ruin my life? I'm gonna go make some popcorn for when I watch you eat your words. Derek is an amazing friend, an amazing man who is considerate and thoughtful and responsible. If they were just a wee bit less judgmental maybe they could see that.
I'm not pushing my family away yet somehow they're managing to be disappearing from my side... Maybe this is how it needs to be for a little while. I think I'm going to have a lot of adventures in the next few years... I hope so anyway.
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