Monday, July 22, 2013


I am proclaiming my independence. I know what I have to do now. I know that life has been preparing me. I got a random facebook message from a college acquaintance. We were cool. Not best buds... I guess those would just be called friends, lol. Anyway I haven't talked to him since graduation and he messages me thanking me for girl advice I gave him in 2008 which he didn't listen to until right now. I told him sometimes we reaaallly need to learn a lesson on our own. We caught up briefly, he's still trying to be a politician- I'm still actually trying to make a difference in the world :) It would be nice to have a politician who owes me a favor... Anyway. He brought the subject back up.

Him-but I was SO DUMB.
Me- haha. We all were.
Him-Yes... I'm better for it.
M- Me too.
H- good.
M- "To be old and wise one must first be young and stupid."
H- haha, that's good. I'll remember that.
M- I made A LOT of mistakes
H- me too
M- But I learned from them all.
H- good. I think I'm getting there too. You were always a good egg.

So there's proof that liberal, lovey dovey Tania can be friendly with rich Republicans.

Saturday during the party my aunt brought up the "when should my daughter date" conversation to my mom and dad. My dad starting barking nice things at my cousin like, "Love yourself first!" "You don't need a man!" it was kinda funny/sweet and intimidating. I started talking to my aunt and said that she needs to trust Jezlyn and be open and aware of what she's doing. That way Jez can explore relationships in a healthy supervised manner. My dad made a comment to my aunt saying not to take parenting advice from me- my kids are going to be wild and crazy because I'm so soft. I felt indignant for a second and was about to open my mouth before Dax, my nephew burst into laughter and said, "No they aren't! Tania's tough as Hell, and she's fair and she likes teaching and explaining things and she loves a lot. Watch, Tania's kids are gonna be the best because she's gonna be the best mom, sorry grandpa but she should listen to her, she's gonna be a great mom. Look at Linus!"
I felt a huge amount of love for my nephew at that moment. (I also love that people always mention my dog when they say I'm gonna be a good parent. I think it's because I take him everywhere and he's very social and sweet without being overbearing. My dad trained him to beg for food, it's a hard habit to break now because the reward is so great.)
Anyway, I told my aunt, "Whether you want to believe it or not she's going to do what she wants to do she just won't tell you about it."
"You think so? Jezlyn would you do that?"
"Tia, was I a good obedient girl growing up?"
"The most! Best flower girl in the world!"
"Danny did I have a boyfriend behind our parents back?"
"Yup, he was a big black dude."
"She's gonna do what she wants."

My dad got up and left the table defeated. I think it took everything in his being not to get upset. I could hear him counting to ten in his head.

I'm tired of worrying how my personal decisions impact the people around me. My personal decisions should only matter to me. I'm tired of being quiet and pretending that I don't know better because other people around me are intimidated by my education. I do know what I'm talking about- it's my passion. In two weeks I will acquire my first tattoo. I've been so apprehensive for years honestly because part of me was still holding onto my parents approval. Through this transition I've recognized that I really don't need or want their approval. Honestly in certain circumstances (a lot) my father and I fundamental disagree. If he were to approve of my life I think I would feel that I've failed myself in some way. No! I will live my life the way I want to live it because the only person's approval I need is my own.

The first thing I thought when I was talking to that dude Derek told me to date, "My parents would probably love this dude." That was the important decision I needed to make. Whether my life was going to be what my parents wanted for me or what I wanted for me. It took me about 90 seconds to confidently say that I want my life to be what I want it to be. Some may think that's a really long time but for those who knew the old me, any decisions usually took 30 mins and big decisions like this with the approval of my parents on the line... geez I would have broken down. I just closed my eyes and imagined myself in 10 years with someone my parents would approve of and then closed my eyes and imagined where I saw myself in 10 years. The two were so radically different. I don't know where my life is going to take me but I want to be proud of myself as I take my last breath not wondering, "What if I didn't decided to make my parents happy?"

I guess I'm proclaiming my love for Derek as well. (What else is new?) Yes, I have always loved Derek (except when I transformed that love in to a passionate loathing by lying to myself) but... over the last couple of months I've seen this new person emerge before my eyes. Maybe he feels the same way. I know that I'm transforming, I feel it myself. These new people are kind and understanding and respectful and caring. I'm proclaiming my love for those people because that's who we are now. I hate seeing him confused and cranky but that's honestly a good sign. Embracing those feelings and really questioning yourself is important. He is an amazing partner. He communicates with me in a way that so different than how he used to be. He speaks clearly and respectfully. When he gives me his opinion he really tries not to be judgmental. He is gentle and considerate but always honest. The other day he complimented me more than once which was a really big deal, haha. He's doing so good. He really is one of the few healthy relationships in my life. I know he doesn't have it all together, I don't either but with each other we do.

People have been getting on my nerves lately. Maybe it's the heat. When I tell people about my philosophies some are eager to point out when I'm not being kind or compassionate. I think people confuse being good and kind with being an oblivious ass kisser. I am a genuine person, if you are acting inappropriately I am going to point it out- I don't care who you are. One time I was talking to my boss over the phone when she got a little shrill and snippy, "I'm sorry but I really don't like being spoken to that way. I'm willing to discuss this in a respectful manner without raising our voices." Being kind and compassionate is also being kind and compassionate to myself and the people I love. It is requesting respect because you're giving it to the other person. If people's actions are making me or someone I love feel uncomfortable I will say something. Never be afraid to speak your mind but always be kind.

I am Tania and I'm proclaiming to not give a fuck about what you think.

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