I've been overwhelmed the last few weeks (years). I'm trying to do a lot at once. Today was an emotional day in therapy. I hate when the tears come out of no where. Having to parent myself and teach myself how to do everything is upsetting and overwhelming. This is what my parents wanted. My whole life they told me to teach myself like they taught themselves. This shit is difficult and unfair. I'm angry because I don't understand how someone could possibly grow up this way knowing it sucks and then just passes it off to their kids? That's where empathy comes back into place. I remember all the damage and pain I caused the last few years because I was so emotionally fucked up and didn't know how to deal with it. They're called cycles of abuse for a reason, because naturally the cycle just keeps repeating itself over and over again. Well... It ends with me.
After all that talk my therapist saw I was getting overwhelmed and she said, "Let's take a break from that stuff, tell me something happy that happened this week." I immediately smiled because his face and the week zoomed by in my mind. "Happiness hasn't been something I've been missing lately. I'm not unhappy, just stressed out." I told her about my cousin coming to visit and his family and how much I admire him. "How are things with Derek?" I have the worst poker face... "Calm..."
I'll leave the way I feel about him for my bedside journal. I am happy though. My life feels like it's falling into place. I'm learning how to not be so hard on myself and that there is a good kind of selfish.
My therapist confirmed that my mother's behavior lately is dictated by her own issues. She also told me I was basically set up to fail at being a functional adult because they sucked so bad. The funniest part of all of this is that if you asked any of my cousins they would have no problem telling you how perfect my life was and how fortunate I was. Yeah... super fortunate... it was awesome.
Although I am empathizing with my parents the annoyance creeps up rather frequently lately. Every mistake I've made I probably wouldn't have made if I had parents who weren't emotional basket cases. My relationship with Derek is on the top of that list...
All that anger and blaming is a waste of time. I can sit around being angry at everyone for my life being in the state it's in or I can stop bitching, forgive everyone and make my life the way I want it to be. The harder things get- the harder finding it to forgive. Usually forgiveness is something I can do instantaneously... I'm having to actively go through a process of forgiveness. I keep wanting to tell my parents about my annoyance with them but I stop myself, not because I'm scared but because I want to wait til I'm not angry about it anymore. I'll bring it up to them when I no longer have an emotional connection to the subject. I don't want their reaction to affect me in anyway. I want to be able to tell them and then shrug off whatever they have to say after because I no longer care. I love my parents but I plan to rip them a new asshole without raising my voice. They're going to get such a verbal licking theyre gonna wish i punched them in the face but i dont want it to come from a place of anger, I just want it to be the truth.
The openness of my future doesn't scare me anymore. I'm nervous but excited at all the possibilities my future has to offer. I know I'll handle it.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Parenting
I want to be an expert in Parenting. I want the Dr in front of my name be because I made some profound headway in the areas of parenting, childhood development and mental health. Sometimes I have days where everything just clicks in my head and my day ends up having a theme. This morning I woke up checked Facebook and found a beautiful letter a mom wrote her daughter. I'll post the link. It was the reminder I needed to get motivated and do stuff. I called a budget counselor who's going to teach me how to pay my bills and budget my money for free. It's amazing how many resources there are for people which the state doesn't advertise at all.
When this woman was asking me questions I was like, "I'm supposed to keep track of that?", "Files?" Finally I just told her, "Yeah, we're going to be starting at zero. I know nothing about anything when it comes to money." Saying that out loud made me feel really annoyed and embarrassed. Immediately I thought, "I'm never going to put my kids through this." The truth is I'm an awful adult and it really is completely my parents fault. I'm pulling myself out of this giant mess by myself. Fuck... My whole life... if I just had parents who knew what they were doing and weren't emotionally fucked up I would be so different!
I saw my parents this evening. In my head I had this long speech planned where I made they both feel like complete assholes for raising a family when they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. When I got there though, I wasn't angry anymore. If i didn't go through every awful thing that's ever happened to me I wouldn't feel so passionate about helping others. Every time I overcome an obstacle it's a complete relief. Not just for myself but because I now know I will be able to help others get through it too.
Serious voice announcer guy: Have you ever been adopted/raped/beaten/bullied/attempted suicide/had mentally ill parents/come from an abusive household/been in and abusive relationship/had homophobic parents and a gay brother/suffer from an eating disorder or body dysmorphia/stalked/the child of divorced parent/almost lose a sibling to cancer/lose all your possessions in floods your entire childhood and/or been in a car accident? If so and you have serious emotional trauma related to said incident please call Tania and she can relate and give you the resources to get the help you need.
My philosophy is 'always be kind'. If anything my parent's awful parenting has motivated me to really educate myself and educate others not to make the same mistakes. Parenting is all about accepting your kid the way they are and having the patience to treat them with respect and teach them the right way to handle life and become independent. In little ways I teach my parents to be parents. It used to be in big ways and I used to put a lot of effort into it. Now just in the way I act with them I let them know. I correct their behavior when they're being unhealthy and before I leave I give both of them a big hug and kiss and tell my mom to be nice to my dad and tell my dad to be nice to my mom. I've felt like the parent since I was 13 years old. At that age I knew more than them but had none of the power. I like this dynamic better- being equals. When I have a kid I will always let them know that I think they're important and I respect them. My child and I will both be human beings, I'll just have more experience and a devotion to teach.
I guess I'm upset because I'm parenting myself and I feel like I have little support because I'm pretty much one of the sanest people I know... which is saying a lot. BABY STEPS...
When this woman was asking me questions I was like, "I'm supposed to keep track of that?", "Files?" Finally I just told her, "Yeah, we're going to be starting at zero. I know nothing about anything when it comes to money." Saying that out loud made me feel really annoyed and embarrassed. Immediately I thought, "I'm never going to put my kids through this." The truth is I'm an awful adult and it really is completely my parents fault. I'm pulling myself out of this giant mess by myself. Fuck... My whole life... if I just had parents who knew what they were doing and weren't emotionally fucked up I would be so different!
I saw my parents this evening. In my head I had this long speech planned where I made they both feel like complete assholes for raising a family when they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. When I got there though, I wasn't angry anymore. If i didn't go through every awful thing that's ever happened to me I wouldn't feel so passionate about helping others. Every time I overcome an obstacle it's a complete relief. Not just for myself but because I now know I will be able to help others get through it too.
Serious voice announcer guy: Have you ever been adopted/raped/beaten/bullied/attempted suicide/had mentally ill parents/come from an abusive household/been in and abusive relationship/had homophobic parents and a gay brother/suffer from an eating disorder or body dysmorphia/stalked/the child of divorced parent/almost lose a sibling to cancer/lose all your possessions in floods your entire childhood and/or been in a car accident? If so and you have serious emotional trauma related to said incident please call Tania and she can relate and give you the resources to get the help you need.
My philosophy is 'always be kind'. If anything my parent's awful parenting has motivated me to really educate myself and educate others not to make the same mistakes. Parenting is all about accepting your kid the way they are and having the patience to treat them with respect and teach them the right way to handle life and become independent. In little ways I teach my parents to be parents. It used to be in big ways and I used to put a lot of effort into it. Now just in the way I act with them I let them know. I correct their behavior when they're being unhealthy and before I leave I give both of them a big hug and kiss and tell my mom to be nice to my dad and tell my dad to be nice to my mom. I've felt like the parent since I was 13 years old. At that age I knew more than them but had none of the power. I like this dynamic better- being equals. When I have a kid I will always let them know that I think they're important and I respect them. My child and I will both be human beings, I'll just have more experience and a devotion to teach.
I guess I'm upset because I'm parenting myself and I feel like I have little support because I'm pretty much one of the sanest people I know... which is saying a lot. BABY STEPS...
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Friends
My social life has been in a bit of a rut. I'm sure everyone is just busy but I have this inkling that some of my old friends don't like the ways in which I'm changing. Today I ran into someone and they told me all the shit one of my old friends said about me. I shrugged my shoulders and carried on but I now know why she hasn't hit me up. It doesn't really bother me because I know the things I'm doing to improve my life currently are the right things. People can think I'm being saintly and snobby but that's their own insecurities. I'm kind to everyone and if I see that girl again I'm going to continue being kind to her as well.
I've realized that people really can't recognize how crazy they are. I've also learned to recognize and admire people who really are mentally healthy. I feel lonely sometimes but I get Caitlin's busy moving into a new place with Chris, Percy has a ton on her plate, Ellen is having trouble accepting my new positive outlook, Lisa is going through her own stuff and Kaitlin just had a baby. I totally get it but I really miss my friends. Also the fact that I dated Anthony completely sucks because we used to be pretty decent summer time friends for years before we dated. Texting silly things a couple of times a week is one thing, being able to be real friends again is possibly never going to happen. Sucks, he's hands down one of the greatest friends I've ever had.
Anthony's sister dated an older dude. Anthony and I used to think it was so odd because his sister and her guy used to hang out with his ex wife and her new husband. So essentially two people who had sex hanging out with the new people they're having sex with. When I asked his sister if it was weird she was like, "No. They got married because they were best friends and loved each other but they figured out they we're meant to be more than best friends. So they got a divorce and are now best friends." My immature head exploded but I get it now.
The last six months of my relationship with Anthony we were like siblings. He slept over everyday, we hung out all the time. I took care of him and fed him, he'd run errands and help out. When I started finding myself attracted to other men I realized that Anthony was becoming a family member to me. Sometimes he was like a brother, other times like a parent, and a few times I even felt like he was my kid but I stopped feeling like he was significant other.
More time needs to pass but maybe one day we could be friends. He's like the most non-judgmental human being on the planet. Our entire relationship he refused to side with me that Derek was a monster. "He's just a dude. People make mistakes." We used to get in the biggest arguments over it. I could be such a cunt. I was so hurt. But not once did he budge. He's a pretty golden guy. I wish Derek and him could be good friends again but that's probably a lot to ask. I feel bad I mucked up that friendship, I guess that's why I was such a jerk at Anthony for not hating Derek. Anthony felt guilty because he was being a bad friend to Derek and I felt guilty because I was the reason he was being a bad friend.
... Remember when the last 3 years of my life were a Soap Opera? Glad things have crazied down a bit. Life is starting to flow at an even pace. Less like a roller coaster more like a smooth state highway.
Maybe I'll go on a road trip to see something cool and drive through the US. I'm used to driving long hours and the point would be to find cool stops in between. Sounds like I may have figured out what I'm doing for my vacation. :)
I miss Caitlin. I know she's busy. I miss her terribly though. I want to give her a hug and get coffee and talk for 10 hours. She's my best friend. I'm super proud of her and really happy that she's doing so well. I need to call up Tommy. That dude's my boy and he's so close I dunno why I always forget to hit him up. Okay I'm just rambling.
I've realized that people really can't recognize how crazy they are. I've also learned to recognize and admire people who really are mentally healthy. I feel lonely sometimes but I get Caitlin's busy moving into a new place with Chris, Percy has a ton on her plate, Ellen is having trouble accepting my new positive outlook, Lisa is going through her own stuff and Kaitlin just had a baby. I totally get it but I really miss my friends. Also the fact that I dated Anthony completely sucks because we used to be pretty decent summer time friends for years before we dated. Texting silly things a couple of times a week is one thing, being able to be real friends again is possibly never going to happen. Sucks, he's hands down one of the greatest friends I've ever had.
Anthony's sister dated an older dude. Anthony and I used to think it was so odd because his sister and her guy used to hang out with his ex wife and her new husband. So essentially two people who had sex hanging out with the new people they're having sex with. When I asked his sister if it was weird she was like, "No. They got married because they were best friends and loved each other but they figured out they we're meant to be more than best friends. So they got a divorce and are now best friends." My immature head exploded but I get it now.
The last six months of my relationship with Anthony we were like siblings. He slept over everyday, we hung out all the time. I took care of him and fed him, he'd run errands and help out. When I started finding myself attracted to other men I realized that Anthony was becoming a family member to me. Sometimes he was like a brother, other times like a parent, and a few times I even felt like he was my kid but I stopped feeling like he was significant other.
More time needs to pass but maybe one day we could be friends. He's like the most non-judgmental human being on the planet. Our entire relationship he refused to side with me that Derek was a monster. "He's just a dude. People make mistakes." We used to get in the biggest arguments over it. I could be such a cunt. I was so hurt. But not once did he budge. He's a pretty golden guy. I wish Derek and him could be good friends again but that's probably a lot to ask. I feel bad I mucked up that friendship, I guess that's why I was such a jerk at Anthony for not hating Derek. Anthony felt guilty because he was being a bad friend to Derek and I felt guilty because I was the reason he was being a bad friend.
... Remember when the last 3 years of my life were a Soap Opera? Glad things have crazied down a bit. Life is starting to flow at an even pace. Less like a roller coaster more like a smooth state highway.
Maybe I'll go on a road trip to see something cool and drive through the US. I'm used to driving long hours and the point would be to find cool stops in between. Sounds like I may have figured out what I'm doing for my vacation. :)
I miss Caitlin. I know she's busy. I miss her terribly though. I want to give her a hug and get coffee and talk for 10 hours. She's my best friend. I'm super proud of her and really happy that she's doing so well. I need to call up Tommy. That dude's my boy and he's so close I dunno why I always forget to hit him up. Okay I'm just rambling.
Compromise and Moderation
I find Derek and myself interesting. How our stories are similar and yet entirely different. How we have the similar interests but could not be more different as people. It fascinates me. I enjoy that he shares the same ideas as I do and when we don't see eye to eye we enjoy debating and discussing things to see the other's points. When I'm with him it feels like I'm playing and hanging out with my best friend (who I want to french kiss :) ). Today we sat in the car listening to Kanye's new album in silence for almost two songs before anything was said. I wasn't worrying about what he was thinking or how I looked or what to talk about next like I used to. I was just enjoying listening to music and driving around with him. It wasn't until he said something that I realized time had passed. It's cool when I'm able to catch myself living in the moment.
Having a hispanic family can be tough growing up in America. They're super involved in a guilt trippy, judgmental way. It's awesome. I'm generalizing. The benefit of this family quirk is that I get to be really sure of the decisions I make. Everyone in my family rolls their eyes when I call Derek my friend. "Be real, you want to be more than friends," is what usually comes out of their mouths. Yeah. So what. There's a difference between expectation and hope. I can hope something happens but if it doesn't I haven't really invested much into it for it to affect me too long. Shattered expectations can be crippling. I'm tired of explaining myself to people so I just shrug and say, "Yeah, he's my friend," because in this very moment that is what we are. I can live in the land of expectations or I can live in reality and take things one step at a time. People wonder why I'm crazy it's because they made me a neurotic mess by always forcing me to think and worry about the future and imagine the most negative repercussions of my decisions. My annoying family has asked me so many questions that I know what I want. I want to be with someone who makes me laugh and hears me out and is kind and adventurous.
Like I said, Derek and I are similar yet completely different. Today spending time with him I had a conversation I had with my family yesterday in the forefront of my mind. My family thinks I'm talking to Derek because I'm trying to rebel and drive them crazy. I told all of them that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I'm a good person, I am also my own person and my actions aren't motivated by the suffering of others. I didn't delve further into the subject because it's none of their business. My mother is using transference. She thinks I'm making the same mistakes she made and looks at my past relationship with Derek the same as her and my father's. She's nuts but she has to figure that shit out on her own.
So during our time together I was taking in each moment the way it was. Enjoying music together felt natural. We had a great lunch and great conversation. We went shopping and joked around then we watched a movie. A day like that has never existed for my mom and dad. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Yeah, I know what I'm hoping for but I'm completely enjoying learning new things in the present moment. The fact that Derek and I are emotionally polar opposites is so educational. Today we had a talk about compromising and moderation. He feels most comfortable being alone and staying in. I like having an active social life. He compromised by taking me out on a fun date. We had a great day. He was funny and kind and silly. I tend to over do it and want a date to turn into a week long lovefest. I always have to remember baby steps. He doesn't want to come out and I never want to let go. The beauty of it is that because of how he is I'm learning to live closer to the middle and really understand compromise and a healthy amount of moderation and to enjoy and be grateful for how far I've come instead of worrying about how much farther I need to go.
Derek mentioned teaching in impoverished parts of the US the other day. Besides being a huge turn on it reminds me why I love him. We share morals and ideals, we believe in the same causes. I look at the people I admire to guide me. Cory Booker is one of those people. He went to Ivy League schools in the US and Europe and where did he build most of his career? Cleaning up the streets of Newark, New Jersey. He's done an incredible job and really made a huge difference. If I want to make a difference I have to go where people need the most help.
When we were kids and I was scared of the world, Derek would talk about moving to Montana or Oregon or California. I was always against it because I liked New Jersey and I saw myself working in a big fancy hospital in the City. Life's funny. Now that I've worked in home care and understand the importance of education I want to go out and help people. There are places in the country children go to sleep hungry and beaten. I want to go to those places and help families. The American education system is such crap. I left 18 years of schooling with absolutely no life skills. My high school covered the stock market in one lesson. I'm supposed to understand how to invest money from one 35 minute lesson when I was 16 years old? It's crap. American children spend more time in school than they do with their families and yet schools don't teach children morals or real life skills. So how are children going to progress?
My cousin Jessy was a smart girl but her parents were in and out of jail and she and her brother had to to raise themselves. Jessy ended up dropping out of school and getting pregnant. She went back to school and became a real estate agent but the market was then terrible so she just decided to stay at home and have more babies. What if Jessy had been emotionally more healthy? What if at school they taught her how to build her self esteem and talk about feelings and shit. Maybe she would have stayed in school and done something different with her life. Having drug addicts for parents is really fucking hard. Essentially Jessy had no parents but instead of school being a place to teach her how to deal with actual issues they allowed her to be part of that urban system. I want to change that.
He motivates me. He inspires me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful. I feel smart and completely myself around him. Of course I hope for more but for right now my life is good the way it is. A cat on a leash is probably the funniest thing I've ever witnessed and I got to do that today because I was completely in the moment. I wasn't in my head thinking about the future, not crying because he isn't my boyfriend; I was in the moment laughing and having a great time with someone amazing. So when my nosy family tries to tell me what they think my friendship with Derek is I just smile and say okay because I don't care. I'm completely at ease and happy with life right now.
Having a hispanic family can be tough growing up in America. They're super involved in a guilt trippy, judgmental way. It's awesome. I'm generalizing. The benefit of this family quirk is that I get to be really sure of the decisions I make. Everyone in my family rolls their eyes when I call Derek my friend. "Be real, you want to be more than friends," is what usually comes out of their mouths. Yeah. So what. There's a difference between expectation and hope. I can hope something happens but if it doesn't I haven't really invested much into it for it to affect me too long. Shattered expectations can be crippling. I'm tired of explaining myself to people so I just shrug and say, "Yeah, he's my friend," because in this very moment that is what we are. I can live in the land of expectations or I can live in reality and take things one step at a time. People wonder why I'm crazy it's because they made me a neurotic mess by always forcing me to think and worry about the future and imagine the most negative repercussions of my decisions. My annoying family has asked me so many questions that I know what I want. I want to be with someone who makes me laugh and hears me out and is kind and adventurous.
Like I said, Derek and I are similar yet completely different. Today spending time with him I had a conversation I had with my family yesterday in the forefront of my mind. My family thinks I'm talking to Derek because I'm trying to rebel and drive them crazy. I told all of them that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I'm a good person, I am also my own person and my actions aren't motivated by the suffering of others. I didn't delve further into the subject because it's none of their business. My mother is using transference. She thinks I'm making the same mistakes she made and looks at my past relationship with Derek the same as her and my father's. She's nuts but she has to figure that shit out on her own.
So during our time together I was taking in each moment the way it was. Enjoying music together felt natural. We had a great lunch and great conversation. We went shopping and joked around then we watched a movie. A day like that has never existed for my mom and dad. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Yeah, I know what I'm hoping for but I'm completely enjoying learning new things in the present moment. The fact that Derek and I are emotionally polar opposites is so educational. Today we had a talk about compromising and moderation. He feels most comfortable being alone and staying in. I like having an active social life. He compromised by taking me out on a fun date. We had a great day. He was funny and kind and silly. I tend to over do it and want a date to turn into a week long lovefest. I always have to remember baby steps. He doesn't want to come out and I never want to let go. The beauty of it is that because of how he is I'm learning to live closer to the middle and really understand compromise and a healthy amount of moderation and to enjoy and be grateful for how far I've come instead of worrying about how much farther I need to go.
Derek mentioned teaching in impoverished parts of the US the other day. Besides being a huge turn on it reminds me why I love him. We share morals and ideals, we believe in the same causes. I look at the people I admire to guide me. Cory Booker is one of those people. He went to Ivy League schools in the US and Europe and where did he build most of his career? Cleaning up the streets of Newark, New Jersey. He's done an incredible job and really made a huge difference. If I want to make a difference I have to go where people need the most help.
When we were kids and I was scared of the world, Derek would talk about moving to Montana or Oregon or California. I was always against it because I liked New Jersey and I saw myself working in a big fancy hospital in the City. Life's funny. Now that I've worked in home care and understand the importance of education I want to go out and help people. There are places in the country children go to sleep hungry and beaten. I want to go to those places and help families. The American education system is such crap. I left 18 years of schooling with absolutely no life skills. My high school covered the stock market in one lesson. I'm supposed to understand how to invest money from one 35 minute lesson when I was 16 years old? It's crap. American children spend more time in school than they do with their families and yet schools don't teach children morals or real life skills. So how are children going to progress?
My cousin Jessy was a smart girl but her parents were in and out of jail and she and her brother had to to raise themselves. Jessy ended up dropping out of school and getting pregnant. She went back to school and became a real estate agent but the market was then terrible so she just decided to stay at home and have more babies. What if Jessy had been emotionally more healthy? What if at school they taught her how to build her self esteem and talk about feelings and shit. Maybe she would have stayed in school and done something different with her life. Having drug addicts for parents is really fucking hard. Essentially Jessy had no parents but instead of school being a place to teach her how to deal with actual issues they allowed her to be part of that urban system. I want to change that.
He motivates me. He inspires me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful. I feel smart and completely myself around him. Of course I hope for more but for right now my life is good the way it is. A cat on a leash is probably the funniest thing I've ever witnessed and I got to do that today because I was completely in the moment. I wasn't in my head thinking about the future, not crying because he isn't my boyfriend; I was in the moment laughing and having a great time with someone amazing. So when my nosy family tries to tell me what they think my friendship with Derek is I just smile and say okay because I don't care. I'm completely at ease and happy with life right now.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Freedom for All
"This is who I am. I can't change who I am."
"I don't know how to be any other way."
"I just have to live with it."
"I can't control how I react!"
All that is bullshit. I'm not trying to be insensitive- I'm being real. It's all caca. You have control over who you are, how you act and whether you can change a behavior. I don't know all the rules to soccer but if I really wanted to I would take the time, read some books, talk to some experts and BAM I'll know all I need to know about soccer. It's the same thing with being the person you want to become. You put in the fucking effort. You try and practice and practice and practice. You don't get frustrated with yourself, you are kind to yourself and you patient with yourself. You have to realize that that anxiety you feel about change is not going to kill you. Change isn't an ax murderer waiting in the bushes. Making mistakes will not kill you. But continuing to live with fear dictating your every move... That's not really living if you ask me.
The moment I changed...
I broke up with Anthony because after nearly 2 years together he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his future, whether or not I was part of that future and whether or not we even wanted the same things. I loved him. He loved me. I kept trying to help him get a job. Set up interviews for him, got people to review his resume, I was an amazing girlfriend and support system. But he declined the job I got him the interview for and never revised his resume after I had people I value take time out of their busy schedules to help him. He wasn't pulling his weight and I felt myself resenting him. The second I wished I was kissing someone else instead of him I ended it.
After we broke up I realized I didn't really want to be with other people, I was just angry at him for not knowing what he wanted. I loved him. It was hard letting Anthony go. After we broke up we played the "hang out, getting back together kinda only to break up again" for a few weeks until Anthony sat me down and told me he hadn't changed. I did act out of control. I cried, I called, I was angry. My birthday was the night that changed my life... again.
My friend threw me a party and Anthony decided he didn't want to go. I got super duper drunk and drunk dialed him like a million times. We spent the whole night arguing. I was a drunk mess. My friend who was also drunk kicked me out of her house while I was still drunk at like 5am. I drove to Anthony's to argue some more. At one point I poked his chest hard. It was the first time I saw him angry. He screamed at me and I sobered up.
"It's me." I said out loud.
He was still red but already calming down when he asked, "What?"
"I need help, Anthony. Like professional help. This isn't how I want to act. I need help."
"We both do. It can't hurt. I'm sorry I snapped."
"I got aggressive, you had every right."
Feeling like abandonment was always a second away I grew up tense and when people left me (even if I left them) it felt like abandonment which was utter agony. I believed that if people left it was because I hadn't been good enough for them to stay. Always wanting the approval and love of others made me very perceptive, adaptable, observant, I can anticipate the needs of others and am endlessly supportive. It makes me a good girlfriend, it'll make me an amazing mom and wife. I like those things about myself because they are good qualities for someone in my field and with my goals. The crazy would come up because if people rejected me despite me being everything they needed I used to internalize it. "I'm not good enough, I have to be better!", "It's because I'm fat, I need to be thinner.", "It's because I'm stupid, I need to be smarter." I know what you're thinking... I was fucking nuts, lol. I agree completely.
Looking back on who I was breaks my heart. She makes me cry. I just want to step into my past and hug her and tell her she's perfect and good and lovable and she doesn't need the approval of others as long as she loves herself. I wish I could convince her that other people's actions we not her fault. She was adopted because her biological parents loved her enough to recognize that they couldn't give her the life she deserved. I wish I could tell her that she is so loved, Ana and Al completely changed who they were because they recognized they were hurting her.
One night about a month ago Derek confided in me how much he had loved me. My weight didn't matter, my looks didn't matter, he loved me for me. That's agonizing... Looking back so much pain, so much mistrust, so much self sabotage and self hatred all because people weren't able to express themselves honestly and in a healthy manner. If my biological parents once brought up the fact that they loved me but knew they were just gonna fuck up my life I wouldn't have abandonment issues. If my parents took time out to be kind and express that they loved me I wouldn't have been as fucked up as I was. If Derek had treated me the way he actually felt about me I would have known that I was safe. I didn't need to be perfect all the time. No one was going to leave me because they all loved me very much... FUCK! That hurts so much. So much pain would have been avoided if people weren't so fucked up. That's nuts.
When I called the 24 hour hotline for my therapy center I didn't know who I wanted to be! I just knew I didn't want to be the person I was anymore and that professionals could help me become healthy. I went to all their classes, I learned about myself and was able to see the issues I had in women in their 50s and others in their 70s. The 70something year old woman in our group scared the shit out of me. She was bat shit paranoid and crazy after 50 years of marriage to an abusive fuck. She was convinced she was worthless and made excuses for changing. She just wanted to complain but when people gave her suggestions she was like, "Well I can't do that." She made me inexplicably angry. In my head I would scream, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO CHANGE?! GO THE FUCK HOME TO YOUR PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND AND WORRY FOR YOUR SAFETY UNTIL HE DIES!" She once said, "I'll be free when he's dead. I hope he croaks sooner rather than later." WHAT?!!! You are free right now! There is nothing and no one who can stop you from being happy and making your life the way you want it besides death and certain governments. If you aren't dead then anything that comes out of your mouth besides, "I'm gonna do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy," (or any variation of that) it's just a damn excuse.
It doesn't matter if you're in chains and being tortured. If you're free in your mind, compassionate and understanding with all, trusting in your heart and gut, and loving no matter what... nothing will ever negatively affect you again! The big picture in regards to Jesus being crucified is that fact that even though he was beaten and essentially murdered he was still free. He held no resentment, no pain, he still loved and he died still praying for the goodness in others because, "They know not what they do." But they can learn! You can be in control of your actions and let love instead of hate or worse, FEAR, rule your life.
The biggest lesson I've learned is to be free to be who I am and allowing others their freedom to express themselves as well. I will educate anyone who will listen but that doesn't mean they'll allow themselves the freedom to grow. To be better we must let go of the chains of past mistakes and pain and live in the present. It's accepting people for who they are now, not who they were in the past.
What Derek did which was most painful and fairly traumatizing was his relationship with the chick he left me for. He was able to be kind, love and support her from the second he met her. Five years I jumped through hoops. Five years I put up with bullying. Five years I had to prove myself and in weeks she knew secrets about him he never told me. That shit just reinforced that fact that it was me. I wasn't lovable. It was a proven fact- I was difficult to love. Since I was tired of trying so fucking hard to make people (Derek, my parents, my family, friends, strangers, employers) love me, suicide seem appropriate. It was the wake up call my family needed to recognize that something was fucking wrong and we all needed to change.
Oddly enough losing Derek and attempting suicide was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Since that moment nothing has been the same. When I got laid off my family was super supportive and understanding when I thought they would blame me for not being good enough. Getting laid off was the second best thing to happen to me and getting raped in November was the third best thing to happen to me. I'm being completely honest. Through these awful experiences I have come out better and stronger because of them. After the suicide I learned that I was loved. After the lay off I learned that I had a good support system and not to be a scared little push over professionally. After the rape I learned again that my family would always be there for me and that I needed to learn how to love myself and find my self worth.
You know how much I wish someone I loved came up to me and said, "I know exactly what to do to help you, all you have to do is trust me"? A lot. I learned the very very hard way by hitting super rock bottom and getting up every single time. I didn't stop loving people, I didn't stop trusting people because I understood that "they know not what they do." Most people are just bumbling around life coping as best as they can. I have the tools. I'm willing to share my tools with people, teach them how to use these tools to fix all the pain inside. By they have to let me in. Nothing will be accomplished without love and trust. Let go of the shackles of your pain for you are the only one imprisoning yourself there. Take your freedom back. Be free, receptive and trusting like you were when you were a kid. Wipe the slate clean and start over. It's completely up to you.
"I don't know how to be any other way."
"I just have to live with it."
"I can't control how I react!"
All that is bullshit. I'm not trying to be insensitive- I'm being real. It's all caca. You have control over who you are, how you act and whether you can change a behavior. I don't know all the rules to soccer but if I really wanted to I would take the time, read some books, talk to some experts and BAM I'll know all I need to know about soccer. It's the same thing with being the person you want to become. You put in the fucking effort. You try and practice and practice and practice. You don't get frustrated with yourself, you are kind to yourself and you patient with yourself. You have to realize that that anxiety you feel about change is not going to kill you. Change isn't an ax murderer waiting in the bushes. Making mistakes will not kill you. But continuing to live with fear dictating your every move... That's not really living if you ask me.
The moment I changed...
I broke up with Anthony because after nearly 2 years together he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his future, whether or not I was part of that future and whether or not we even wanted the same things. I loved him. He loved me. I kept trying to help him get a job. Set up interviews for him, got people to review his resume, I was an amazing girlfriend and support system. But he declined the job I got him the interview for and never revised his resume after I had people I value take time out of their busy schedules to help him. He wasn't pulling his weight and I felt myself resenting him. The second I wished I was kissing someone else instead of him I ended it.
After we broke up I realized I didn't really want to be with other people, I was just angry at him for not knowing what he wanted. I loved him. It was hard letting Anthony go. After we broke up we played the "hang out, getting back together kinda only to break up again" for a few weeks until Anthony sat me down and told me he hadn't changed. I did act out of control. I cried, I called, I was angry. My birthday was the night that changed my life... again.
My friend threw me a party and Anthony decided he didn't want to go. I got super duper drunk and drunk dialed him like a million times. We spent the whole night arguing. I was a drunk mess. My friend who was also drunk kicked me out of her house while I was still drunk at like 5am. I drove to Anthony's to argue some more. At one point I poked his chest hard. It was the first time I saw him angry. He screamed at me and I sobered up.
"It's me." I said out loud.
He was still red but already calming down when he asked, "What?"
"I need help, Anthony. Like professional help. This isn't how I want to act. I need help."
"We both do. It can't hurt. I'm sorry I snapped."
"I got aggressive, you had every right."
Feeling like abandonment was always a second away I grew up tense and when people left me (even if I left them) it felt like abandonment which was utter agony. I believed that if people left it was because I hadn't been good enough for them to stay. Always wanting the approval and love of others made me very perceptive, adaptable, observant, I can anticipate the needs of others and am endlessly supportive. It makes me a good girlfriend, it'll make me an amazing mom and wife. I like those things about myself because they are good qualities for someone in my field and with my goals. The crazy would come up because if people rejected me despite me being everything they needed I used to internalize it. "I'm not good enough, I have to be better!", "It's because I'm fat, I need to be thinner.", "It's because I'm stupid, I need to be smarter." I know what you're thinking... I was fucking nuts, lol. I agree completely.
Looking back on who I was breaks my heart. She makes me cry. I just want to step into my past and hug her and tell her she's perfect and good and lovable and she doesn't need the approval of others as long as she loves herself. I wish I could convince her that other people's actions we not her fault. She was adopted because her biological parents loved her enough to recognize that they couldn't give her the life she deserved. I wish I could tell her that she is so loved, Ana and Al completely changed who they were because they recognized they were hurting her.
One night about a month ago Derek confided in me how much he had loved me. My weight didn't matter, my looks didn't matter, he loved me for me. That's agonizing... Looking back so much pain, so much mistrust, so much self sabotage and self hatred all because people weren't able to express themselves honestly and in a healthy manner. If my biological parents once brought up the fact that they loved me but knew they were just gonna fuck up my life I wouldn't have abandonment issues. If my parents took time out to be kind and express that they loved me I wouldn't have been as fucked up as I was. If Derek had treated me the way he actually felt about me I would have known that I was safe. I didn't need to be perfect all the time. No one was going to leave me because they all loved me very much... FUCK! That hurts so much. So much pain would have been avoided if people weren't so fucked up. That's nuts.
When I called the 24 hour hotline for my therapy center I didn't know who I wanted to be! I just knew I didn't want to be the person I was anymore and that professionals could help me become healthy. I went to all their classes, I learned about myself and was able to see the issues I had in women in their 50s and others in their 70s. The 70something year old woman in our group scared the shit out of me. She was bat shit paranoid and crazy after 50 years of marriage to an abusive fuck. She was convinced she was worthless and made excuses for changing. She just wanted to complain but when people gave her suggestions she was like, "Well I can't do that." She made me inexplicably angry. In my head I would scream, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO CHANGE?! GO THE FUCK HOME TO YOUR PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND AND WORRY FOR YOUR SAFETY UNTIL HE DIES!" She once said, "I'll be free when he's dead. I hope he croaks sooner rather than later." WHAT?!!! You are free right now! There is nothing and no one who can stop you from being happy and making your life the way you want it besides death and certain governments. If you aren't dead then anything that comes out of your mouth besides, "I'm gonna do whatever it takes to be happy and healthy," (or any variation of that) it's just a damn excuse.
It doesn't matter if you're in chains and being tortured. If you're free in your mind, compassionate and understanding with all, trusting in your heart and gut, and loving no matter what... nothing will ever negatively affect you again! The big picture in regards to Jesus being crucified is that fact that even though he was beaten and essentially murdered he was still free. He held no resentment, no pain, he still loved and he died still praying for the goodness in others because, "They know not what they do." But they can learn! You can be in control of your actions and let love instead of hate or worse, FEAR, rule your life.
The biggest lesson I've learned is to be free to be who I am and allowing others their freedom to express themselves as well. I will educate anyone who will listen but that doesn't mean they'll allow themselves the freedom to grow. To be better we must let go of the chains of past mistakes and pain and live in the present. It's accepting people for who they are now, not who they were in the past.
What Derek did which was most painful and fairly traumatizing was his relationship with the chick he left me for. He was able to be kind, love and support her from the second he met her. Five years I jumped through hoops. Five years I put up with bullying. Five years I had to prove myself and in weeks she knew secrets about him he never told me. That shit just reinforced that fact that it was me. I wasn't lovable. It was a proven fact- I was difficult to love. Since I was tired of trying so fucking hard to make people (Derek, my parents, my family, friends, strangers, employers) love me, suicide seem appropriate. It was the wake up call my family needed to recognize that something was fucking wrong and we all needed to change.
Oddly enough losing Derek and attempting suicide was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Since that moment nothing has been the same. When I got laid off my family was super supportive and understanding when I thought they would blame me for not being good enough. Getting laid off was the second best thing to happen to me and getting raped in November was the third best thing to happen to me. I'm being completely honest. Through these awful experiences I have come out better and stronger because of them. After the suicide I learned that I was loved. After the lay off I learned that I had a good support system and not to be a scared little push over professionally. After the rape I learned again that my family would always be there for me and that I needed to learn how to love myself and find my self worth.
You know how much I wish someone I loved came up to me and said, "I know exactly what to do to help you, all you have to do is trust me"? A lot. I learned the very very hard way by hitting super rock bottom and getting up every single time. I didn't stop loving people, I didn't stop trusting people because I understood that "they know not what they do." Most people are just bumbling around life coping as best as they can. I have the tools. I'm willing to share my tools with people, teach them how to use these tools to fix all the pain inside. By they have to let me in. Nothing will be accomplished without love and trust. Let go of the shackles of your pain for you are the only one imprisoning yourself there. Take your freedom back. Be free, receptive and trusting like you were when you were a kid. Wipe the slate clean and start over. It's completely up to you.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Relaxation Wednesday
I was rightfully excited for today. It was as good for my body and soul as I expected it to be. Today's first activity was therapy. Today started out like most days, with me not really wanting to get out of bed. Therapy is as liberating as it is exhausting. But I went and it was amazing. I'm seriously going deep down into myself and reaching my core issues and traumas. Jessy agrees that I'm really close to being "all better."
I talked about the usual suspects. Discussed how my mom was acting weird and I called her out on it. She's been passive aggressive because she knows I'm becoming better friends with Derek. Once I confronted her she stopped being a bitch and started communicating. She's upset with my brothers and me. She says she and my father were able to be responsible and handle their stuff she doesn't know why we're struggling and so afraid of the world.
I figured it out in therapy. Anxiety, anger, stress, whatever, if it isn't dealt with it just gets displaced. My dad kept it moving because he unleashed all his stress and self loathing on the first shmuck who crossed his path. He let poison seep out of his mouth whenever he was angry. "What are you? Stupid?" "If you can't do it right then don't do it at all!" Guess what, life is stressful and hard especially for a controlling perfectionist, so he was an asshole most of the time. Since Danny got diagnosed with cancer and I almost died my dad has really changed. Probably because I told him we were all fucked up because of him and that he needed to take accountability for the damage he caused. I don't play with my dad. I love him so much but I don't hold my tongue when I think he's out of line. I'm the only one who can stand up to him no matter what because I know my dad loves me more than he loves himself.
My mom coped through self loathing. She ate, self deprecated, and was pretty much invisible most of my childhood. It makes me so sad because before I turned 10 I just remember my mom as this shadow who was really soft and comforting but had as little voice as we did. My dad would displace his anger onto my mom (or anyone) and my mom would displace the stress on us and over eat. Unresolved feelings don't go away, they turn into nail biting, agoraphobia, introversion, eating disorders, over eating, cutting, OCD, bullying, etc. All that shit is the unhealthy expression of unresolved feelings. It's incredible how those things stay with you.
Derek and I are extreme opposites from very similar situations. He was raised by his grandparents instead of his mom and dad. I was adopted by my aunt and uncle (the ones I refer to as mom and dad) because my biological parents are severely mentally ill.
Derek's grandparents gave him as much love and acceptance and encouragement as people can give. Derek grew up with a sense of self worth and unfortunately sometimes acts like the world should revolve around him. He grew up knowing he was lovable and he was important and smart and funny and etc. People have to prove themselves to be part of his life because of his self esteem and he's been hurt by people who should never have hurt him. Derek trusts very few people. The problem with that is by keeping everyone so far away no one gets to knew him. It seems safe but lonely.
I on the other hand grew up in a household full of emotional abuse and unhappiness. My parents rarely told me they loved me out of habit of just not saying it I guess. Occasionally I'd get it from my mom but it wasn't until I told my dad I loved him when I was 15 that I heard the confirmation of "you too." My mom ruined my self esteem because she hated herself. My mom sucked growing up, both my parents did. If it wasn't for my brothers I wouldn't have been as functional as I was. I grew up with bullies for parents. I was lucky that instead of being bullies my brothers protected me and parented me the way they wish our parents had parented them. I slept with one of my brothers every night, even Rudy until I started 1st grade. Danny used to sing me to sleep, Jr would hold me close and cuddle me and when he knew everyone else was asleep, he'd whisper he loved me. I knew love because of my sweet dysfunctional brothers. Growing up being adopted I was felt rejected by one set of parents and the set that I had demanded perfection and I knew I was never going to be perfect. I was so desperate to feel loved I tried my best to be their perfect little girl. Trying to measure up to perfection just makes you notice how imperfect you are.
Growing up I always felt like I needed to prove myself to have people love me. "If they just gave me a chance," I remember thinking, "I could prove that I'm lovable." I was also taught to treat people the way I wanted to be treated so I was accepting and welcoming and trusting of everyone because that's how I wanted people to treat me. It's why I got hurt so often. I used to be so naive and gullible. I believed people were inherently good because my parents believed the world was a sinful and evil place.
Maybe that's why Derek and I worked. I proved myself above and beyond and he learned to trust me more than most people in his life... but when he was finally able to trust me and show me the same love and respect I always showed him I was resentful because it took years. I believed in my heart that he didn't really love me. That he only loved me because I did everything he wanted. He loved "perfect Tania" but if I got sick or I got fat and old he would leave because he would realize I wasn't good enough. So when he finally trusted me I was angry because I didn't believe it was real. I was just so fucked up.
My friendship with Derek has been helpful because we've come from similar situations which were executed completely differently. He never allows me to be a martyr and I remind him he's not the only person in the universe. We challenge each other intellectually and aren't afraid to look like complete morons in front of one another. It's so hard for him to trust. Even my friendship. He refuses to make plans further than a few days in the future because he jokes, "We're probably not going to be friends by then." I'm at an arms length. If he only believed how much I get it now... But we're each on our own journey... *
After therapy it was off to see the puppies (sooo cuuuuutttteee!!!) and then to get my body waxed. You wouldn't think a brazilian would be part of a relaxing spa day but there's something cleansing about the pain. Plus it always makes me feel really sexy, not that anyone will see it, but it's a serious confidence boost.
I finished my afternoon off with the most relaxing 90 minute massage. My massage therapist is a cool dude. It's really uncomfortable to have someone touch your body in such an intimate way. I'm always all rigid until like 2 seconds then my body turns into a puddle of relaxation... Or so I thought. At one point my massage therapist had my head in his hands and said, "Relax."
"I thought I was relaxed..." I responded.
"Oh," giggles, "relax more?"
I laugh, "You're going to have to walk me through this."
"Fraud would say you had a traumatic childhood," laughs.
"... Seriously? You can tell that by just holding my head?"
He laughed nervously, "I didn't mean to offend you. Fraud said something like, people who were unable to relax had traumatic childhoods where they didn't trust their surroundings or maybe their parents." There was a second of silence as I let this new information sink into my head.
"I'm not offended. It's just accurate. I've never been able to relax. 'Calm down, chill, relax' everyone always says that to me. Thus the massage."
"I'm sorry... You're in the right place to relax though. Imagine your head is just floating in the air. Let yourself float in my hands but imagine my hands aren't there, I'm not here. You are in a relaxing safe place. There are no patients here, no phone calls, no bills, no papers, no worries. It's just you, allowing yourself to float in relaxation, taking this time for yourself because you are allowed to take a break, right? You care about everyone else as a nurse. This is your time to care for yourself."
I love when I get a day which comes full circle and everything makes sense and I get little signs that I'm on the right track.
*Derek isn't always selfish, just as I'm not always selfless. I can be a selfish bitch if I don't check myself. Just exaggerating the differences to make a point.
I talked about the usual suspects. Discussed how my mom was acting weird and I called her out on it. She's been passive aggressive because she knows I'm becoming better friends with Derek. Once I confronted her she stopped being a bitch and started communicating. She's upset with my brothers and me. She says she and my father were able to be responsible and handle their stuff she doesn't know why we're struggling and so afraid of the world.
I figured it out in therapy. Anxiety, anger, stress, whatever, if it isn't dealt with it just gets displaced. My dad kept it moving because he unleashed all his stress and self loathing on the first shmuck who crossed his path. He let poison seep out of his mouth whenever he was angry. "What are you? Stupid?" "If you can't do it right then don't do it at all!" Guess what, life is stressful and hard especially for a controlling perfectionist, so he was an asshole most of the time. Since Danny got diagnosed with cancer and I almost died my dad has really changed. Probably because I told him we were all fucked up because of him and that he needed to take accountability for the damage he caused. I don't play with my dad. I love him so much but I don't hold my tongue when I think he's out of line. I'm the only one who can stand up to him no matter what because I know my dad loves me more than he loves himself.
My mom coped through self loathing. She ate, self deprecated, and was pretty much invisible most of my childhood. It makes me so sad because before I turned 10 I just remember my mom as this shadow who was really soft and comforting but had as little voice as we did. My dad would displace his anger onto my mom (or anyone) and my mom would displace the stress on us and over eat. Unresolved feelings don't go away, they turn into nail biting, agoraphobia, introversion, eating disorders, over eating, cutting, OCD, bullying, etc. All that shit is the unhealthy expression of unresolved feelings. It's incredible how those things stay with you.
Derek and I are extreme opposites from very similar situations. He was raised by his grandparents instead of his mom and dad. I was adopted by my aunt and uncle (the ones I refer to as mom and dad) because my biological parents are severely mentally ill.
Derek's grandparents gave him as much love and acceptance and encouragement as people can give. Derek grew up with a sense of self worth and unfortunately sometimes acts like the world should revolve around him. He grew up knowing he was lovable and he was important and smart and funny and etc. People have to prove themselves to be part of his life because of his self esteem and he's been hurt by people who should never have hurt him. Derek trusts very few people. The problem with that is by keeping everyone so far away no one gets to knew him. It seems safe but lonely.
I on the other hand grew up in a household full of emotional abuse and unhappiness. My parents rarely told me they loved me out of habit of just not saying it I guess. Occasionally I'd get it from my mom but it wasn't until I told my dad I loved him when I was 15 that I heard the confirmation of "you too." My mom ruined my self esteem because she hated herself. My mom sucked growing up, both my parents did. If it wasn't for my brothers I wouldn't have been as functional as I was. I grew up with bullies for parents. I was lucky that instead of being bullies my brothers protected me and parented me the way they wish our parents had parented them. I slept with one of my brothers every night, even Rudy until I started 1st grade. Danny used to sing me to sleep, Jr would hold me close and cuddle me and when he knew everyone else was asleep, he'd whisper he loved me. I knew love because of my sweet dysfunctional brothers. Growing up being adopted I was felt rejected by one set of parents and the set that I had demanded perfection and I knew I was never going to be perfect. I was so desperate to feel loved I tried my best to be their perfect little girl. Trying to measure up to perfection just makes you notice how imperfect you are.
Growing up I always felt like I needed to prove myself to have people love me. "If they just gave me a chance," I remember thinking, "I could prove that I'm lovable." I was also taught to treat people the way I wanted to be treated so I was accepting and welcoming and trusting of everyone because that's how I wanted people to treat me. It's why I got hurt so often. I used to be so naive and gullible. I believed people were inherently good because my parents believed the world was a sinful and evil place.
Maybe that's why Derek and I worked. I proved myself above and beyond and he learned to trust me more than most people in his life... but when he was finally able to trust me and show me the same love and respect I always showed him I was resentful because it took years. I believed in my heart that he didn't really love me. That he only loved me because I did everything he wanted. He loved "perfect Tania" but if I got sick or I got fat and old he would leave because he would realize I wasn't good enough. So when he finally trusted me I was angry because I didn't believe it was real. I was just so fucked up.
My friendship with Derek has been helpful because we've come from similar situations which were executed completely differently. He never allows me to be a martyr and I remind him he's not the only person in the universe. We challenge each other intellectually and aren't afraid to look like complete morons in front of one another. It's so hard for him to trust. Even my friendship. He refuses to make plans further than a few days in the future because he jokes, "We're probably not going to be friends by then." I'm at an arms length. If he only believed how much I get it now... But we're each on our own journey... *
After therapy it was off to see the puppies (sooo cuuuuutttteee!!!) and then to get my body waxed. You wouldn't think a brazilian would be part of a relaxing spa day but there's something cleansing about the pain. Plus it always makes me feel really sexy, not that anyone will see it, but it's a serious confidence boost.
I finished my afternoon off with the most relaxing 90 minute massage. My massage therapist is a cool dude. It's really uncomfortable to have someone touch your body in such an intimate way. I'm always all rigid until like 2 seconds then my body turns into a puddle of relaxation... Or so I thought. At one point my massage therapist had my head in his hands and said, "Relax."
"I thought I was relaxed..." I responded.
"Oh," giggles, "relax more?"
I laugh, "You're going to have to walk me through this."
"Fraud would say you had a traumatic childhood," laughs.
"... Seriously? You can tell that by just holding my head?"
He laughed nervously, "I didn't mean to offend you. Fraud said something like, people who were unable to relax had traumatic childhoods where they didn't trust their surroundings or maybe their parents." There was a second of silence as I let this new information sink into my head.
"I'm not offended. It's just accurate. I've never been able to relax. 'Calm down, chill, relax' everyone always says that to me. Thus the massage."
"I'm sorry... You're in the right place to relax though. Imagine your head is just floating in the air. Let yourself float in my hands but imagine my hands aren't there, I'm not here. You are in a relaxing safe place. There are no patients here, no phone calls, no bills, no papers, no worries. It's just you, allowing yourself to float in relaxation, taking this time for yourself because you are allowed to take a break, right? You care about everyone else as a nurse. This is your time to care for yourself."
I love when I get a day which comes full circle and everything makes sense and I get little signs that I'm on the right track.
*Derek isn't always selfish, just as I'm not always selfless. I can be a selfish bitch if I don't check myself. Just exaggerating the differences to make a point.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Midnight word vomit
I'm not delusional. I know how people feel about me. I'm extremely observant and perceptive. Part of being a nurse is being one step ahead of everyone and anticipating their needs before even they know they have them. I get people. People think they know me. I know me. I know me very well. If you want to know me ask me who I am. During a conversation with my brother Danny he started getting all Brooklyn chonga on me, "Let's be real, Tania, let's be real! I know you. I KNOW you." Bitch... you KNEW me. I am near the end of a painful transition. People are constantly upset with me- that shit doesn't affect me anymore. People may think I'm being selfish and unfair. No... I am becoming my own person and just as I have been completely supportive to each and everyone of you mother fuckers I expect the same shit in return. Because I seriously accept everyone.
Yesterday my mom tried giving me advice about men. She said to leave them. Completely leave them to their own devices and when you stop answering their calls suddenly that's when they'll put in the work to get you back. I know that works, I've seen it done. But that's not me. I can't manipulate people anymore. Nope. I'll be supportive and caring and loving and by his side. I'm sure if he meets someone who sweeps him off his feet he won't think twice about breaking my heart. I accept that so although I'm not looking if someone comes into my life I'm not going to push them away for a "what if".
The annoying thing is that I know it isn't a "what if". People don't know him the way I do. I'm not some dumb kid who's crazy in love with another kid. I met the person who I feel most in sync with in the world and there was a time he felt the same and we tore each others insides out and torched them. It makes me sad that possibly the greatest thing that could happen to either one of us lies in the balance of someone who can't trust me. I know what he's capable of more than he knows. I believe in him. That probably doesn't matter though. People aren't as easy to forgive and trust as you are, Tania.
Ha. When I was younger I looked at my life as a tragedy because I always felt sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore but I accept the fact that life isn't fair. It's mainly unfair.
Life will do it's thing and fall into place the way it needs to. I'm inpatient but it's because I have big plans. I told that to Danny today. He told me I was being too hard on myself which I agreed with him but I know better so I must do better and always try my best. I have to try harder because my life isn't a tragedy- it's going to be the fucking dream I want it to be.
I'm making that happen for me and my future family. As I don't know if I've met my husband yet I guess I'll just have to ride this wave called life for myself. Danny is right, I need to be kinder to myself. Excited for Wednesday. Gonna be a spa day- pedicure, massage, brazilian. I can't wait!!! I'm gonna be so relaxed!!! I had a very productive day today. I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow I will do a little bit better than today. Baby steps.
Yesterday my mom tried giving me advice about men. She said to leave them. Completely leave them to their own devices and when you stop answering their calls suddenly that's when they'll put in the work to get you back. I know that works, I've seen it done. But that's not me. I can't manipulate people anymore. Nope. I'll be supportive and caring and loving and by his side. I'm sure if he meets someone who sweeps him off his feet he won't think twice about breaking my heart. I accept that so although I'm not looking if someone comes into my life I'm not going to push them away for a "what if".
The annoying thing is that I know it isn't a "what if". People don't know him the way I do. I'm not some dumb kid who's crazy in love with another kid. I met the person who I feel most in sync with in the world and there was a time he felt the same and we tore each others insides out and torched them. It makes me sad that possibly the greatest thing that could happen to either one of us lies in the balance of someone who can't trust me. I know what he's capable of more than he knows. I believe in him. That probably doesn't matter though. People aren't as easy to forgive and trust as you are, Tania.
Ha. When I was younger I looked at my life as a tragedy because I always felt sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore but I accept the fact that life isn't fair. It's mainly unfair.
Life will do it's thing and fall into place the way it needs to. I'm inpatient but it's because I have big plans. I told that to Danny today. He told me I was being too hard on myself which I agreed with him but I know better so I must do better and always try my best. I have to try harder because my life isn't a tragedy- it's going to be the fucking dream I want it to be.
I'm making that happen for me and my future family. As I don't know if I've met my husband yet I guess I'll just have to ride this wave called life for myself. Danny is right, I need to be kinder to myself. Excited for Wednesday. Gonna be a spa day- pedicure, massage, brazilian. I can't wait!!! I'm gonna be so relaxed!!! I had a very productive day today. I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow I will do a little bit better than today. Baby steps.
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