Got into an actually argument with Anthony over the phone where he raised his voice and I used bad words. He ended it with, "I'll be right over so we can talk in person." I assured him various times it wasn't necessary but he came over and we talked it out.
"I'm sorry you had to come over so late," I said quietly.
"I'm glad I came over and I'm glad you came to talk to me."
He told me a story about how growing up his parents had a rule about never going to bed angry and he believes that no matter how big a fight or how angry we may get we shouldn't go to bed angry. Never going to bed angry is a philosophy I always wanted to live by. So after a big argument I'm more in love with the kid then I was before... Fauk... He's good...
In other news down a chunk of weight and enjoying being a peds nurse more than ever.
Gee night!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Outlook
Life is ever changing and constantly keeping me on my toes but one this it is not is stagnant. The days will keep coming whether you choose to live them or not. I have been doing my absolute best to make my life better and 90 percent of that is having a positive outlook and not hating yourself. People say you should love yourself and yada yada but baby steps. I'm at the not hating myself/ I would be friends with me phase of self love. Honestly self acceptance brings a lot of peace of mind. Realizing I'm far from perfect, I've been hurt a lot and I've made more mistakes than I probably should have and accepting myself for all of that really took away the self loathing. One thing I do best is learn. I am a very good student and life has been the harshest teacher I have ever encountered. It took me a while but I think I'm finally getting it right. They do say the human brain is not entirely developed until age 25. Most of my reasoning skills are finally in place which has allowed me to understand things so much better.
Anthony and I were fantastic for a long time but as graduation is creeping closer he's become so... Well, like me when I was graduating. Hot and cold and sure then confused. Although this has not been the most fun ever like I said I have learned through life lessons. After a not so fun last week we've come out with a better understanding of what each of us wants and needs. Shitty thing about relationships is that sometimes the other person needs you to understand they're being dumb and they don't know why. So I have been super supportive and treating Anthony the way I wish i was treated during my wild and crazy quarter life crisis mood swings. He's a good kid, then again I'm an amazing girlfriend to him.
I hope I can get time off for maybe a trip to Disney or maybe back to PR this summer. We both deserve tons of fun after this stressful winter. I guess that too. I was super depressed and no fun to be around and he stayed right by my side. What kind of person would I be to leave him high and dry when he gets "difficult".
I was talking to Jamie about all this drama and joked that I had called my ex up and we might go out for a date. I thought it was hilarious- seriously, he scolded me for making him nearly have a heart attack and is currently giving me the silent treatment. Yeesh... Men. Haha, I'll send him flowers or something. After nearly 2 years do they still think I'm dumb? You make one monumental mistake... Ha.
Anthony and I were fantastic for a long time but as graduation is creeping closer he's become so... Well, like me when I was graduating. Hot and cold and sure then confused. Although this has not been the most fun ever like I said I have learned through life lessons. After a not so fun last week we've come out with a better understanding of what each of us wants and needs. Shitty thing about relationships is that sometimes the other person needs you to understand they're being dumb and they don't know why. So I have been super supportive and treating Anthony the way I wish i was treated during my wild and crazy quarter life crisis mood swings. He's a good kid, then again I'm an amazing girlfriend to him.
I hope I can get time off for maybe a trip to Disney or maybe back to PR this summer. We both deserve tons of fun after this stressful winter. I guess that too. I was super depressed and no fun to be around and he stayed right by my side. What kind of person would I be to leave him high and dry when he gets "difficult".
I was talking to Jamie about all this drama and joked that I had called my ex up and we might go out for a date. I thought it was hilarious- seriously, he scolded me for making him nearly have a heart attack and is currently giving me the silent treatment. Yeesh... Men. Haha, I'll send him flowers or something. After nearly 2 years do they still think I'm dumb? You make one monumental mistake... Ha.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wild Flowers
They always say "you can't have rainbows without rain" which is an accurate analogy, especially since happiness, like rainbows, is fleeting and hard to come by. But I for one have been indulging in the rainbow for once. Before I used to just think, "what's the point? It's just gonna rain again." Life dealt me a shitty hand full of pain and trauma, it's not pessimism, it's emotional armor. Against my natural instinct I allowed myself to just ride the wave of life for once. Anthony was having a really tough time... It's hard when someone you love is dealing with shit and you become an afterthought. I held on and decided I couldnt be selfish anymore. It was a long month but I have my Anthony back and I finally remember why I was holding on. When Anthony is happy it's hard not to want to spend every second of the day in his beam. He's funny, silly, and completely sexy in the sweetest most vulnerable and masculine of ways. That probably doesn't make sense but that's okay because I'm the only one who needs to understand. I used to think I understood my ex boyfriends... Truth is I only understood the parts I wanted them to be. I deluded myself about the rest. Instead of seeing a manipulative, selfish person I saw mysterious and dangerous. Instead of damaged and hurt I saw idealistic and a dreamer. Anthony is the first person I've been with who I really understand and it's because I accept him for exactly who he is. The growth and changes we've both gone through are equally for our own benefit as well as the others. My weight loss for example. Anthony never said anything about my weight and at my heaviest still told me (and made me feel like) I was beautiful and sexy but I'm losing weight because it will make me happy and he will benefit from the results.
I always do this, go in depth about him. I just love him so very much and am glad he's returned to me. Today I was sick and although we had planned to go on an adventure I spent most of the day napping and willing myself to feel better. When I apologized he shushed me. He had washed and cut up strawberries which we took on beautiful walk by the river. He made me close my eyes and when I opened them he had picked me couple of wild flowers mentioning they were probably weeds. I laughed and thanked him suddenly reminded of the days ages ago my dad would come back from the garden and give my mom a bouquet of his prized flowers as well as a kiss and I would mimic my dads footsteps picking the brightest dandelions I could find and giving them to my mom with a kiss as well. She would always gush about how beautiful they were and put them in the same vase as my dad's flowers. No one had ever picked me either wild flower or weed. The gesture was adorable and more profound then he'll ever know. I will cherish and hold on to the rainbow this time but I know when rain comes again, which it inevitably will, I strong enough to wait it out because... Well, it can't rain forever.
I always do this, go in depth about him. I just love him so very much and am glad he's returned to me. Today I was sick and although we had planned to go on an adventure I spent most of the day napping and willing myself to feel better. When I apologized he shushed me. He had washed and cut up strawberries which we took on beautiful walk by the river. He made me close my eyes and when I opened them he had picked me couple of wild flowers mentioning they were probably weeds. I laughed and thanked him suddenly reminded of the days ages ago my dad would come back from the garden and give my mom a bouquet of his prized flowers as well as a kiss and I would mimic my dads footsteps picking the brightest dandelions I could find and giving them to my mom with a kiss as well. She would always gush about how beautiful they were and put them in the same vase as my dad's flowers. No one had ever picked me either wild flower or weed. The gesture was adorable and more profound then he'll ever know. I will cherish and hold on to the rainbow this time but I know when rain comes again, which it inevitably will, I strong enough to wait it out because... Well, it can't rain forever.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Drunken Tears
It must be nice for some people to escape into alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately for me substances just make me remember more and not less. Since it has been so long since I last consumed alcohol I thought things would be different because for the first time in my life I feel generally happy but I was wrong. It seems there's a layer very deep inside me that still remembers the horrors that have happened to me. So it was creeping into the early hours of Sunday when I sat crying next to Jamie, my dear friend. He too has seen me at my worst and soothes my trembling being, cooing to let it all out, that I don't have to be afraid. I appreciate him the most in these times but I know I've held him before while he cried and pulled him out of himself when he had fallen too deep.
As with Anthony and most of the relationships in my life externally I'm the hardass, the bitch, but truly I'm the weak one. The endlessly forgiving moron. I guess this is what haunts me. Too many times of being taken advantage of. It's funny, whenever someone takes advantage of another it's always the person who ends up hurt who is the fool. "you're the stupid one for trusting her" "that's what you get for forgiving him." What a sad world we live in that people consider trust and forgiveness weaknesses. How even more sad that they're completely right.
Everytime I wake up after one of these nights of indulgence (and then tears and torments) I feel embarrassed for bearing my soul and sobbing like a wounded animal (like the wounded animal I am). My friends as well as Anthony shoo away my apologize understanding some wounds never fully close. Still... Don't think I'll be drinking for a while.
As with Anthony and most of the relationships in my life externally I'm the hardass, the bitch, but truly I'm the weak one. The endlessly forgiving moron. I guess this is what haunts me. Too many times of being taken advantage of. It's funny, whenever someone takes advantage of another it's always the person who ends up hurt who is the fool. "you're the stupid one for trusting her" "that's what you get for forgiving him." What a sad world we live in that people consider trust and forgiveness weaknesses. How even more sad that they're completely right.
Everytime I wake up after one of these nights of indulgence (and then tears and torments) I feel embarrassed for bearing my soul and sobbing like a wounded animal (like the wounded animal I am). My friends as well as Anthony shoo away my apologize understanding some wounds never fully close. Still... Don't think I'll be drinking for a while.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Heartbreak
"Laying next to you makes me sad. Im desperate to pull you closer, pull you into me, to make us one person if i could but I know part of you won't allow it. It's makes me anxious and powerless that I can't will us together. I'm left feeling empty."
My eyes shot open. I was reliving November 5th, 2010 all over again in my dreams. The resignation, the blurred vision from so many tears. I took so many twists and turns I couldn't tell you now exactly where I parked when I decided it was the end... My trembling hands, the burn of vodka, fighting my body to keep it down because it's natural instinct was to expel the poison. Going back, being left alone to raid the draws full of stolen drugs. Taking what I knew were depressants. More tears, more trembling hands. I can't... That's why I wake up. This is too hard, too unbearable... How could I have been so cruel and unforgivable to myself? Trying to do to myself what is punishable by death, by life imprisonment if I inflicted it on another. Murder... I can't. I can't think about this. Whenever life is good things have a way of kicking up the bad, like sand, and throwing it in my eyes. For now I refuse these memories, slow my heart, stifle the tears and attempt sleep once more...
My eyes shot open. I was reliving November 5th, 2010 all over again in my dreams. The resignation, the blurred vision from so many tears. I took so many twists and turns I couldn't tell you now exactly where I parked when I decided it was the end... My trembling hands, the burn of vodka, fighting my body to keep it down because it's natural instinct was to expel the poison. Going back, being left alone to raid the draws full of stolen drugs. Taking what I knew were depressants. More tears, more trembling hands. I can't... That's why I wake up. This is too hard, too unbearable... How could I have been so cruel and unforgivable to myself? Trying to do to myself what is punishable by death, by life imprisonment if I inflicted it on another. Murder... I can't. I can't think about this. Whenever life is good things have a way of kicking up the bad, like sand, and throwing it in my eyes. For now I refuse these memories, slow my heart, stifle the tears and attempt sleep once more...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Weird week
After the complete lover overload of last week I have been too busy to really see Anthony this week. Seriously I feel like I've been non-stop. Adding an hour of exercise to your routine daily really makes you have to figure out your schedule. Tomorrow (err today) I'm working out twice. Run in the wee hours of the morning followed by gym in the late afternoon but it will be completely worth it when I get to have yummy food with my ladies tomorrow (err today). I hope I make it to running. Gonna go with my aunt. Went and grabbed food with her today ended up talking for three hours. She's awesome. My mom was always apprehensive of letting me hang out with her because the "family talks too much" thankfully I'm an adult now and can make my own decisions. When I mentioned it to my mom she just said, "you're aunts very sweet, hope you had a nice time." haha after all that...
Ive been super emotional this week. The joys of having too many hormones PMS lasts half the month. I've been upset about Anthony losing his father so young. I cant even imagine... My aunt told me my father cried the last time he told her my adoption story. About how much he loves me and is so proud... I wonder if Anthony's dad ever properly said good bye or told Anthony he loved him and was proud... I just want to fix Anthony, make him all better. The truth is he's been acting like he's all better for so long that what he needs right now is to feel a little. What he went through was hard and devastating and heartbreaking... He just swept it under the rug. It hurts my chest just thinking about it. Shit, my parents ever dying is going to break my heart. It's inevitable, a child's burden, watching the people who wanted you and loved you and raised you eventually come to the end of their life... But not at 15. At some other more acceptable age. Sometime in a persons 40s or 50s.
I love Anthony so much. Although I have been in love before this feels so different. I can honestly say I've never loved someone so much as I love Anthony. I'm talking real love, not infatuation or dependence. Anthony and I are actually really independent. He has his friends and his life and I have mine. When I say I have never loved someone so much I mean, what we have is good, it's functional, it's healthy and it's based on complete mutual acceptance and understanding. Once you understand someone loving them is effortless. And when love is effortless then you can give and give and give and not get exhausted because you have a partner who is carrying his own weight.
There isn't a mean bone in his body. I couldn't even convince him to hate people who had been awful to me. In fact he tried to convince me to forgive them and let go of the anger. It took me a long time to listen because I was convinced the anger and hate was put there to prove it was real and that it happened and wouldn't happen again. That was probably true at first but not anymore. And so Anthony has convinced me to make my heart and soul pure. He's helped me become a better person by teaching through example. So now I try to repay him. I've been more outgoing when talking to people, I've been really active, and super happy. When you're happy with life people just want to see you ruined. Being happy and treating yourself well is not something that comes naturally, it is a conscious effort, at least for me it is... So as long as I'm working hard to make myself happy I hope to keep the bad vibes at bay :) gee night!
Ive been super emotional this week. The joys of having too many hormones PMS lasts half the month. I've been upset about Anthony losing his father so young. I cant even imagine... My aunt told me my father cried the last time he told her my adoption story. About how much he loves me and is so proud... I wonder if Anthony's dad ever properly said good bye or told Anthony he loved him and was proud... I just want to fix Anthony, make him all better. The truth is he's been acting like he's all better for so long that what he needs right now is to feel a little. What he went through was hard and devastating and heartbreaking... He just swept it under the rug. It hurts my chest just thinking about it. Shit, my parents ever dying is going to break my heart. It's inevitable, a child's burden, watching the people who wanted you and loved you and raised you eventually come to the end of their life... But not at 15. At some other more acceptable age. Sometime in a persons 40s or 50s.
I love Anthony so much. Although I have been in love before this feels so different. I can honestly say I've never loved someone so much as I love Anthony. I'm talking real love, not infatuation or dependence. Anthony and I are actually really independent. He has his friends and his life and I have mine. When I say I have never loved someone so much I mean, what we have is good, it's functional, it's healthy and it's based on complete mutual acceptance and understanding. Once you understand someone loving them is effortless. And when love is effortless then you can give and give and give and not get exhausted because you have a partner who is carrying his own weight.
There isn't a mean bone in his body. I couldn't even convince him to hate people who had been awful to me. In fact he tried to convince me to forgive them and let go of the anger. It took me a long time to listen because I was convinced the anger and hate was put there to prove it was real and that it happened and wouldn't happen again. That was probably true at first but not anymore. And so Anthony has convinced me to make my heart and soul pure. He's helped me become a better person by teaching through example. So now I try to repay him. I've been more outgoing when talking to people, I've been really active, and super happy. When you're happy with life people just want to see you ruined. Being happy and treating yourself well is not something that comes naturally, it is a conscious effort, at least for me it is... So as long as I'm working hard to make myself happy I hope to keep the bad vibes at bay :) gee night!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Loved
Seriously, this kid is so appreciative it's hard not to spoil him. Just spent the weekend celebrating with him. Thursday lunch and presents, Friday dinner with his sister and her man and bar hopping in north jersey, Saturday breakfast and birthday dinner and drinks. We're too old for anything too crazy but we did have a really nice weekend. He is just so appreciative and attentive and knows how much I really love him. His friends were really sweet to me too, I think they finally get that he wasn't a rebound and that I really really do love the shit out of him. Lauren and Sean came. Omg I love those two. They are so fricken funny and cute and a blast to be around. I was nervous my friends and his friends wouldn't get along but they blended in so well. It was really a success. Im glad they didn't feel (too) old. In actuality they are only slightly older than me but the fact that their married makes a big difference I guess.
I'm really glad I'm (finally!) developing a relationship with Anthony's sister. She's so nice! As for her friend?... He's a nice person. That's all I'll say. She's an adult and super obedient. People do crazy things when their young... It's her 21st birthday in a couple of weeks. Anthony wants to get her a bottle of Scotch because he wants her to be a scotch drinker. Having sipped the stuff today I'd rather drink battery acid. I saw a book about pairing wines and cheeses I think I'll get her that and a bottle of wine. I'm trying to get her to come with me to Philly to visit Caitlin. By trying I mean I really want to ask her to do that but am still too shy. We're texting, it'll get there, haha.
I had a conversation with Anthony which I think impacted him a lot. I had a glass of wine (my treat for this week) and he was a few jacks deep- we were talking about life and how he feels kinda apathetic towards it. I can totally relate. 2 years in therapy and it isn't until recently that I'm finally feeling great and living well. Maybe I needed every part of my last relationship to be in the past... Or Anthony and I deciding our relationship had a real future... Maybe a little of everything but it wasn't until then that I was finally able to begin enjoying being myself. I finally realized that my whole life I was looking at happiness as a destination (ex: when I go away to college I'll be happy. When I lose weight I'll be happy. When I get a job I'll be happy. When I get married I'll be happy). Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of traveling. The reason I got to each milestone and was disappointed is because I was expecting the situation to make me happy instead of being happy all along.
So now I am happy, truly I just am. I can believe there are higher beings at work because when I say stuff like "now I am happy" I get tested like crazy. I feel like I've passed the tests as of yet and still maintain a smile. I've been living my life, working hard, losing weight but I try my best to stay positive. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks and have decided I'll let my clothes and how I feel be the judge instead of a scale. That scale caused me just as much elation, torment, anxiety, anger and heartbreak as my last relationship. It's because my relationship with food was abusive. So now although I'm curious because I can tell I have lost weight I let the mirror be the judge. I feel great about myself now and no one can put me down because I know I'm working hard not at losing weight but a loving myself.
Anthony has been an amazon support. He's constantly complimenting how I look and making me feel beautiful, sexy and like a woman instead of a potato (which is how I felt a few weeks ago). I guess that's the main reason I went all out for his birthday... He spoils me with so much love and support its insane. I never get a "you shouldn't eat that" or "are you gaining weight?" or "you should've exercised today," from him. Instead he's really encouraging. He loves being outside and exercising so whenever it's nice we take turns initiating playing outside. We go for long walks, play tennis, and Friday afternoon we even played basketball for a little bit (very interesting since I think the last time I was forced to play in gym class I was 15). And all of this has been in the last few weeks! We get out and exercise 3 times a week and it's winter! I can't wait for spring!
Anthony's the sweetest boy and really everyone knows it. I'm truly blessed :) I'm blessed for hundreds of reasons.
Life is as good as you make it. If life gives you a pile of shit then plant some seeds in that fucker and watch how beautiful your plants will grow. Something wonderful always comes out of an awful situation, even if it isn't evident at first, but only for those who take the time out to find the message.
Gee night :)
I'm really glad I'm (finally!) developing a relationship with Anthony's sister. She's so nice! As for her friend?... He's a nice person. That's all I'll say. She's an adult and super obedient. People do crazy things when their young... It's her 21st birthday in a couple of weeks. Anthony wants to get her a bottle of Scotch because he wants her to be a scotch drinker. Having sipped the stuff today I'd rather drink battery acid. I saw a book about pairing wines and cheeses I think I'll get her that and a bottle of wine. I'm trying to get her to come with me to Philly to visit Caitlin. By trying I mean I really want to ask her to do that but am still too shy. We're texting, it'll get there, haha.
I had a conversation with Anthony which I think impacted him a lot. I had a glass of wine (my treat for this week) and he was a few jacks deep- we were talking about life and how he feels kinda apathetic towards it. I can totally relate. 2 years in therapy and it isn't until recently that I'm finally feeling great and living well. Maybe I needed every part of my last relationship to be in the past... Or Anthony and I deciding our relationship had a real future... Maybe a little of everything but it wasn't until then that I was finally able to begin enjoying being myself. I finally realized that my whole life I was looking at happiness as a destination (ex: when I go away to college I'll be happy. When I lose weight I'll be happy. When I get a job I'll be happy. When I get married I'll be happy). Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of traveling. The reason I got to each milestone and was disappointed is because I was expecting the situation to make me happy instead of being happy all along.
So now I am happy, truly I just am. I can believe there are higher beings at work because when I say stuff like "now I am happy" I get tested like crazy. I feel like I've passed the tests as of yet and still maintain a smile. I've been living my life, working hard, losing weight but I try my best to stay positive. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks and have decided I'll let my clothes and how I feel be the judge instead of a scale. That scale caused me just as much elation, torment, anxiety, anger and heartbreak as my last relationship. It's because my relationship with food was abusive. So now although I'm curious because I can tell I have lost weight I let the mirror be the judge. I feel great about myself now and no one can put me down because I know I'm working hard not at losing weight but a loving myself.
Anthony has been an amazon support. He's constantly complimenting how I look and making me feel beautiful, sexy and like a woman instead of a potato (which is how I felt a few weeks ago). I guess that's the main reason I went all out for his birthday... He spoils me with so much love and support its insane. I never get a "you shouldn't eat that" or "are you gaining weight?" or "you should've exercised today," from him. Instead he's really encouraging. He loves being outside and exercising so whenever it's nice we take turns initiating playing outside. We go for long walks, play tennis, and Friday afternoon we even played basketball for a little bit (very interesting since I think the last time I was forced to play in gym class I was 15). And all of this has been in the last few weeks! We get out and exercise 3 times a week and it's winter! I can't wait for spring!
Anthony's the sweetest boy and really everyone knows it. I'm truly blessed :) I'm blessed for hundreds of reasons.
Life is as good as you make it. If life gives you a pile of shit then plant some seeds in that fucker and watch how beautiful your plants will grow. Something wonderful always comes out of an awful situation, even if it isn't evident at first, but only for those who take the time out to find the message.
Gee night :)
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