Always Leave Room for Zen

"I'm not the same person." I feel like I've said this 300 times to every one in the last week. Possibly more. Life has been stressful, frustrating and exhausting so today I took the day for myself. I had a gift card for a massage and decided to take advantage of it. It was exactly what I needed. 90 minutes of complete serenity emptied out my brain and let me see everything for what it is. I'm not concerned about anything anymore- worrying is completely fruitless. All I can do is continue being the person I am and hope that people will love me anyway. I can't make everyone happy so I just have to worry about making myself happy. Others' frustrations are not my frustrations.
I'm going to spend my time and energy living my life and creating boundaries with everyone. I feel like I was letting myself get sucked down the rabbit hole for a second there. I need to stay strong and just remember to put what I want first. I love my family but their view of me being a damsel in distress isn't going to change until I show them that's not who I am and I don't need their protection.
I just want to live my life and during that massage I think something in my brain clicked and I really finally got it. Here's what I have to do... LIVE MY LIFE. The end. There's no smoke or lights or hoops to jump through. I will just continue wanting what is best for myself and then doing that. I'm excited to live the life I want. I feel like I broke some type of chain within me which I didn't know was tethering me down.
Everyone in my family is getting massages for special occassions from now on. These jerks need some moments of Zen in their lives.

The Universe sends some Clarity

Writing helps. I feel like my whole world has been thrown up in the air and I'm waiting to see where I land. It's a very uncertain time but I know no matter what I will be happy and get through it. This is just another challenge to overcome. My life experiences have made me more open to spirituality. Praying comforts a lot of my patient's families, so to soothe their anxiety I sit and pray with them if it's something they want to do. It doesn't matter what religion they are. There's something about genuinely hoping for the same positive thing that brings mutual respect among strangers.

Today I prayed. For clarity and understanding and help. Then I meditated (bible, journal, lana del rey) and discovered my answers. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to hurt anyone. The way those things happen are by being selfish. You can have the best purest intentions and still be selfish. That's what I've been acting.

I play this game, I've played it since I was little and my mom taught me. Whenever I'm scared or anxious or upset I pick up the Bible and hold it close to my chest and I ask God what I need help with or what's troubling me. Then with my eyes closed, at random, I flip open the Bible and read. I do this 3 times. Without fail they've always had a theme and I always feel better.

Today the theme was "be patient and have faith." I'm sure it doesn't seem too impressive but it was the passages I read that were what was impressive. One verse in particular-

My heart is overwhelmed,
my pity stirred.
I will not vent to my blazing anger,
I will not destroy [you] again.

I will not destroy him again. I know he wouldn't allow me that power (I wouldn't want it) but I wouldn't do it, for whatever that's worth. Putting someone else before you, Tania, that's love. To know whatever happens you're going to be an adult about it and continue offering him your support and respect... That's love. Not imposing your will because you think you know better. It's allowing people to make their own decisions. It's all you ever asked of people, the freedom to make your own decisions, well then it's only fair you dish that out to the world as well.

Sweet baby Universe, please be kind.

I'm a little sad. It has been a really exhausting few days. I've felt so many types of up and down emotions and heart palpitations I worry I'll permanently have an arrhythmia. It's hard to breathe... He's gentle and kind, sincere and sweet but also anxious and scared. There's so much sadness in his eyes. I know I didn't cause all that pain but I feel so responsible. It's just SO much... It feels as if there's a vacuum in the core of my chest. My heart is broken over all the pain we had to endure but more so for the pain which we dealt out. I shall sit here and mourn while listening to Coldplay but then I have to wipe my tears and continue enjoying my life. I've said my apologizes. I've displayed my heart and intentions. Now the universe will take me where it will. I have no control over the outcome of any given situation. So why worry?

p.s. Linus just fart. It was gross.

Update...

Just realized there's a whole 6 months that have gone unaccounted for. So I shall update you. Anthony and I were not as happy as I posted. I was just keeping up appearances because I knew certain people creep my page, lol. Honestly there was only so far he could take me down my path. Eventually his love wasn't fulfilling because i didn't love myself. Because of him I finally got help. Real help. I will always love Anthony because he helped me grow up. I hit rock bottom. I was so lost and scared and could barely take a full breath because the anxiety of the whole world was upon me. I wasn't dealing with one trauma... I was dealing with everything. So I said, "fuck being sad" and I looked for help and found it. It completely changed my life. I learned how to set boundaries and forgive. I've become a better person and a better nurse because of all this. I'm almost the person I've always wanted to be. I can't apologize anymore for the person I was. It's in the past. The person I am today is funny, adorable, silly, romantic, lovesick, idealistic, respectful, understanding, compassionate and patient... it may be words on a screen but if anyone talks to me they will know I'm being sincere. I never want to hurt anyone... But I have to put myself first... Because I don't want to waste another second of my life...

I read a meme the other day that said, 

"The key to a happy relationship:

I take care of me and you take care of you 

and naturally we'll take care of each other." 

Oh shit meme... I get it. 

Oh Universe... Awesome timing.

I feel like I've been stumbling in the dark for the last few years and someone just turned on the lights. Suddenly the reality of the situation is so clear. So much of the anger that was created was a fabrication to keep us apart by a very cunning and manipulative person. But lies lead to more lies and pretty soon you can't get your stories straight. The truth will always come out. I think that's why I'm so honest now. I feel like its just... the best policy, lol. Lying is a coping/defense mechanism. We lie because the consequences of telling the truth causes too much anxiety. For a moment you are relieved but when the person you lied to finds out they feel rightfully betrayed. The other day my brother took my car to "go grocery shopping" and was supposedly "5 mins away." An HOUR later he came home. The truth is, had he told me he was going to be an hour I would have been annoyed but I would have accepted the information and just said, "okay." Instead I was really upset and then had to explain why lying is bad to my older brother... I feel like a single parent.
My family keeps telling me to stop trying to help everyone, "You're not on the clock right now, stop trying to save everyone." Well... then it has to start with them. I love my family, more than they know. They are my best friends but I have to start putting myself first. This is a time of adventure and personal growth and I'm spending it pushing a bunch of adults to be healthy. I realize that I have gone above and beyond for them but... it's my turn to be happy.
"Family first" But after all this therapy I'm realizing that it's actually "you first, then your family."
My mother sadly said to me yesterday, "I'm worried, disappointed and confused because you seem so happy with 'that' friendship." I looked at her puzzled and asked, "You're disappointed that I'm happy?" She responded with, "It's what you're happy about." I looked at her and said, "It should only matter that I'm happy." 10 mins later she gave me a big hug and kiss and apologized. Classic Mami.

What do I want?
I want the universe to have better timing.
 

September 20th 2001

That was the day that started it all. It was the initial trauma that has never fully healed. I really needed to hit rock bottom to realize I needed to wake up and deal with it. To this day I can relive every moment. Looking up and seeing myself at the brink of tears in a mirror as my world changed forever. I was a little girl, there was literally a stack of barbies in the corner of my room. In quiet numbness I walked into the shower and watched the blood swirl the drain. Unable to sob or to feel anything at all besides broken... I forced myself to push it down, deep and pretend it was okay, that I wasn't hurting. When other family members came forward recently about similar traumas in their life my mom and dad took me aside and asked me if anyone had ever hurt me like that. The images flashed into my mind as I gave a firm and convincing "No." They both sighed in relief and held me, tears glistening their lashes. How could I admit I disappointed them? No, no. I take this to the grave.
Next time I willingly gave myself to someone he broke up with me the next day. When I started drinking, a drunken me subconsciously repeated the trauma expecting a different outcome. An outcome where I was strong and forceful and whole. One blackout drunk night during a period of my life when I was especially lost it happened again, I awoke to being strangled among other things. I didn't even remember when I fell asleep or who I was with. Theres a second when something like that is happening when you realize fighting it is fruitless; acceptance is your only defense. I put myself in that situation because I was broken and I didn't want to fix myself. As I stared into the high, blank eyes of my attacker I had realized I had already forgiven him before he even let go of my neck. Did I report it? No. Why? Because doing so would admit that first insult when I was a little girl really fucked me up, I wasn't as resilient as I thought and above all my parents would find out about everything, they would be disappointed in me, and I had taken enough disappointment for a lifetime after everything that had already happened on my 23rd birthday.
After that I stopped drinking. I really only drink when I'm with my boyfriend, he's the only one I trust. And when we stopped drinking he asked that I stop smoking, which happened in time.
I've finally accepted that it was something that actually happened and reliving the same circumstances would never bring about a different result.
It's been 11 years... I'm still numb to it but I accept it fucked me up which is a lot of progress.

Smile!!!!

Thinking long and hard I'm pretty confident in saying I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.
I've suffered from depression since adolescence. Everyday just sucked a bit more or less than the day before. For the first time in my life I feel secure and happy and confident. Anthony told me the other day he's the happiest he's ever been in his life without me even hinting at the fact that I feel the same. I have wonderful, interesting friends, a great career that is expanding everyday, a healthy lifestyle (down over 25 pounds)... I really can't complain. I'm entirely content with life. Shit is pretty damn ordinary but for the first time I'm not over thinking or being paranoid or pretending to know what other people are thinking. I feel amazing and completely ordinary at the same time. Life just feels like what happy people say it feels like. There's honestly nothing extraordinary going on I'm just accepting and mild tempered and under control.
I'm sure I've probably said all this crap before. Throw that out the window. Don't get me wrong looking back I've had happy times in past relationships and with other people but it feels good to be independent and live on my own, it's amazing to have a boyfriend that is endlessly supportive and says things like, "I just want to do nothing else but make you happy because you make me so happy." in the time that I have been with Anthony I have not heard one insult, not one bash at my appearance or personality. I bring him up because I think we both have helped each other out a lot, and I feel like we are both more sane for being with each other. I feel like I have a teammate that just cheers me on and is always proud of me and I can do the same.
I fricken love my job! I've met so many people and so many wonderful children. I feel so... Effective and essential, like I actually make a difference, which is amazing.
And although I'm losing weight and feel healthier I know I'm beautiful, and feel more confident with myself in general. My self esteem is really much higher than it was when I was my skinniest. It's not about the scale or even what size I am I just really enjoy exercising and being healthy. If I lose weight, awesome, of I dont, I still look great so who cares. The whole weight loss thing was first to say fuck you to all the people who ever wronged me, especially my ex but as I've grown and matured and found happiness I really don't care about that anymore. I love myself the way I am, and people love me as well. I make a difference in people's lives and if my ass is scary big, so be it because I am loved. The weight loss isn't an obsession anymore. I eat what I want except for stuff that's awful for me like fried food and pasta (unless it's gluten free or whole wheat) and just enjoy life. If I want to drink sangria at a party, damn right I will. Screw people and their perception of perfect. My skin is beautiful (so take that racists), my hair is beautiful, my shape is beautiful, my personality is beautiful. Honestly anyone who doesn't think I'm awesome can just go fly a kite because if they really knew who I was and didn't fill their tiny heads with lies they would know for a fact that I am sweet, kind, helpful, caring and all around fun to be around. For such a long time I questioned whether or not I was a bad person. The thought of it is ridiculous now. I wholeheartedly have dedicated my life to helping children, not because I want people to be like, "oh mah gahh you're awesome!" but because when a kid smiles it effing melts my Gdamn heart and when a mom lets out that sigh of relief that her kid is getting better I let it out with her.
Haha so in conclusion I would like to thank Prozac for making my brain feel normal. I don't give a hoot who knows I'm on antidepressants. If you want to call me crazy, fine, you were right but you aren't anymore. Just like people are predisposed to poor eyesight, or cancer, or high blood pressure, or heart disease, I was unfortunately predisposed to mental illness. The thing(s) that set me apart from my ex and other people saying, "you're gonna be crazy like your mother ," is 1. I'm not a mean person, you don't hear me saying "your gonna be a useless piece of shit like people you're related to" or "you're gonna be fat and ugly like people in your family" no, because if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all and 2 because the difference between me and my mother is I accept that these are the cards I was dealt and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I live a full and healthy life. Also, shame on you for thinking its an insult. My biological mother is kind and sweet and caring and generous and thoughtful and way better of a person on her worst days than you (insulters) are on your best. And this message goes to anyone that knows about my mother and has ever attempted to use it as an insult which I'm sorry to say has been more than just two bitter people.
Anyway mental illness is a real thing, chronic depression causes damage in the hippocampus (a part in your brain) and antidepressant actually can help rebuild that part. So it's not all about feelings anymore, there is physical evidence that depression/anxiety is a physical condition just like anything else and doesn't occur just because people are weak minded.
So anyway. I'm a fricken happy camper because everything in my life as aligned including my mental health :) da end.