Smile!!!!

Thinking long and hard I'm pretty confident in saying I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.
I've suffered from depression since adolescence. Everyday just sucked a bit more or less than the day before. For the first time in my life I feel secure and happy and confident. Anthony told me the other day he's the happiest he's ever been in his life without me even hinting at the fact that I feel the same. I have wonderful, interesting friends, a great career that is expanding everyday, a healthy lifestyle (down over 25 pounds)... I really can't complain. I'm entirely content with life. Shit is pretty damn ordinary but for the first time I'm not over thinking or being paranoid or pretending to know what other people are thinking. I feel amazing and completely ordinary at the same time. Life just feels like what happy people say it feels like. There's honestly nothing extraordinary going on I'm just accepting and mild tempered and under control.
I'm sure I've probably said all this crap before. Throw that out the window. Don't get me wrong looking back I've had happy times in past relationships and with other people but it feels good to be independent and live on my own, it's amazing to have a boyfriend that is endlessly supportive and says things like, "I just want to do nothing else but make you happy because you make me so happy." in the time that I have been with Anthony I have not heard one insult, not one bash at my appearance or personality. I bring him up because I think we both have helped each other out a lot, and I feel like we are both more sane for being with each other. I feel like I have a teammate that just cheers me on and is always proud of me and I can do the same.
I fricken love my job! I've met so many people and so many wonderful children. I feel so... Effective and essential, like I actually make a difference, which is amazing.
And although I'm losing weight and feel healthier I know I'm beautiful, and feel more confident with myself in general. My self esteem is really much higher than it was when I was my skinniest. It's not about the scale or even what size I am I just really enjoy exercising and being healthy. If I lose weight, awesome, of I dont, I still look great so who cares. The whole weight loss thing was first to say fuck you to all the people who ever wronged me, especially my ex but as I've grown and matured and found happiness I really don't care about that anymore. I love myself the way I am, and people love me as well. I make a difference in people's lives and if my ass is scary big, so be it because I am loved. The weight loss isn't an obsession anymore. I eat what I want except for stuff that's awful for me like fried food and pasta (unless it's gluten free or whole wheat) and just enjoy life. If I want to drink sangria at a party, damn right I will. Screw people and their perception of perfect. My skin is beautiful (so take that racists), my hair is beautiful, my shape is beautiful, my personality is beautiful. Honestly anyone who doesn't think I'm awesome can just go fly a kite because if they really knew who I was and didn't fill their tiny heads with lies they would know for a fact that I am sweet, kind, helpful, caring and all around fun to be around. For such a long time I questioned whether or not I was a bad person. The thought of it is ridiculous now. I wholeheartedly have dedicated my life to helping children, not because I want people to be like, "oh mah gahh you're awesome!" but because when a kid smiles it effing melts my Gdamn heart and when a mom lets out that sigh of relief that her kid is getting better I let it out with her.
Haha so in conclusion I would like to thank Prozac for making my brain feel normal. I don't give a hoot who knows I'm on antidepressants. If you want to call me crazy, fine, you were right but you aren't anymore. Just like people are predisposed to poor eyesight, or cancer, or high blood pressure, or heart disease, I was unfortunately predisposed to mental illness. The thing(s) that set me apart from my ex and other people saying, "you're gonna be crazy like your mother ," is 1. I'm not a mean person, you don't hear me saying "your gonna be a useless piece of shit like people you're related to" or "you're gonna be fat and ugly like people in your family" no, because if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all and 2 because the difference between me and my mother is I accept that these are the cards I was dealt and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I live a full and healthy life. Also, shame on you for thinking its an insult. My biological mother is kind and sweet and caring and generous and thoughtful and way better of a person on her worst days than you (insulters) are on your best. And this message goes to anyone that knows about my mother and has ever attempted to use it as an insult which I'm sorry to say has been more than just two bitter people.
Anyway mental illness is a real thing, chronic depression causes damage in the hippocampus (a part in your brain) and antidepressant actually can help rebuild that part. So it's not all about feelings anymore, there is physical evidence that depression/anxiety is a physical condition just like anything else and doesn't occur just because people are weak minded.
So anyway. I'm a fricken happy camper because everything in my life as aligned including my mental health :) da end.

Codeine daze

If I were to write a book of my life there would definitely be a chapter about my one week bout with narcotics. It shall be called codeine daze (as in days but... Whatever).
I was in the shower earlier thinking that the chapter I'm in now revolves around coffee and then thought, "well at least it's not codeine" which got me thinking of labeling the chapters my best selling memoir will hold.
I'm exhausted...
Anyway there was a week while I was unemployed when I was like... THE sickest human being alive. Cough medicine with codeine was the only thing that would stop the cough and let me sleep 4 full hours. The codeine comas were enlightening but then one particularly awful day they turned on me. I was paralyzed on the couch unable to find the strength to get up. This was my turning point I think. Not that I was abusing the codeine, no, I was sick and i was using it as prescribed but being that sick and having no one to call was the scariest feeling. I promised if I got better I would lose weight and get my act together. Slowly but surely I have kept up with my end of that bargain.
I really love my job, so glad to be back working as a nurse and especially with children. Hopefully I will be back in school in the fall. And my ass is exercising harder 5days a week than I have ever in my life. Patience is not something I'm good at but for the first time I'm trying to really live in the moment- not in the past or planning for the future.
Right now I am healthy, happy, employed and loved. My boy is graduating and doing well. I feel like things are falling into place, and if they aren't? Well, I've been forced to handle worse. Life has an interesting way of working out. Go figure I just needed to change my perspective.
Gee night y'all I'm effing tired and will need to be back up in the morning for work.

Real argument

Got into an actually argument with Anthony over the phone where he raised his voice and I used bad words. He ended it with, "I'll be right over so we can talk in person." I assured him various times it wasn't necessary but he came over and we talked it out.
"I'm sorry you had to come over so late," I said quietly.
"I'm glad I came over and I'm glad you came to talk to me."
He told me a story about how growing up his parents had a rule about never going to bed angry and he believes that no matter how big a fight or how angry we may get we shouldn't go to bed angry. Never going to bed angry is a philosophy I always wanted to live by. So after a big argument I'm more in love with the kid then I was before... Fauk... He's good...
In other news down a chunk of weight and enjoying being a peds nurse more than ever.
Gee night!

Outlook

Life is ever changing and constantly keeping me on my toes but one this it is not is stagnant. The days will keep coming whether you choose to live them or not. I have been doing my absolute best to make my life better and 90 percent of that is having a positive outlook and not hating yourself. People say you should love yourself and yada yada but baby steps. I'm at the not hating myself/ I would be friends with me phase of self love. Honestly self acceptance brings a lot of peace of mind. Realizing I'm far from perfect, I've been hurt a lot and I've made more mistakes than I probably should have and accepting myself for all of that really took away the self loathing. One thing I do best is learn. I am a very good student and life has been the harshest teacher I have ever encountered. It took me a while but I think I'm finally getting it right. They do say the human brain is not entirely developed until age 25. Most of my reasoning skills are finally in place which has allowed me to understand things so much better.
Anthony and I were fantastic for a long time but as graduation is creeping closer he's become so... Well, like me when I was graduating. Hot and cold and sure then confused. Although this has not been the most fun ever like I said I have learned through life lessons. After a not so fun last week we've come out with a better understanding of what each of us wants and needs. Shitty thing about relationships is that sometimes the other person needs you to understand they're being dumb and they don't know why. So I have been super supportive and treating Anthony the way I wish i was treated during my wild and crazy quarter life crisis mood swings. He's a good kid, then again I'm an amazing girlfriend to him.
I hope I can get time off for maybe a trip to Disney or maybe back to PR this summer. We both deserve tons of fun after this stressful winter. I guess that too. I was super depressed and no fun to be around and he stayed right by my side. What kind of person would I be to leave him high and dry when he gets "difficult".
I was talking to Jamie about all this drama and joked that I had called my ex up and we might go out for a date. I thought it was hilarious- seriously, he scolded me for making him nearly have a heart attack and is currently giving me the silent treatment. Yeesh... Men. Haha, I'll send him flowers or something. After nearly 2 years do they still think I'm dumb? You make one monumental mistake... Ha.

Wild Flowers

They always say "you can't have rainbows without rain" which is an accurate analogy, especially since happiness, like rainbows, is fleeting and hard to come by. But I for one have been indulging in the rainbow for once. Before I used to just think, "what's the point? It's just gonna rain again." Life dealt me a shitty hand full of pain and trauma, it's not pessimism, it's emotional armor. Against my natural instinct I allowed myself to just ride the wave of life for once. Anthony was having a really tough time... It's hard when someone you love is dealing with shit and you become an afterthought. I held on and decided I couldnt be selfish anymore. It was a long month but I have my Anthony back and I finally remember why I was holding on. When Anthony is happy it's hard not to want to spend every second of the day in his beam. He's funny, silly, and completely sexy in the sweetest most vulnerable and masculine of ways. That probably doesn't make sense but that's okay because I'm the only one who needs to understand. I used to think I understood my ex boyfriends... Truth is I only understood the parts I wanted them to be. I deluded myself about the rest. Instead of seeing a manipulative, selfish person I saw mysterious and dangerous. Instead of damaged and hurt I saw idealistic and a dreamer. Anthony is the first person I've been with who I really understand and it's because I accept him for exactly who he is. The growth and changes we've both gone through are equally for our own benefit as well as the others. My weight loss for example. Anthony never said anything about my weight and at my heaviest still told me (and made me feel like) I was beautiful and sexy but I'm losing weight because it will make me happy and he will benefit from the results.
I always do this, go in depth about him. I just love him so very much and am glad he's returned to me. Today I was sick and although we had planned to go on an adventure I spent most of the day napping and willing myself to feel better. When I apologized he shushed me. He had washed and cut up strawberries which we took on beautiful walk by the river. He made me close my eyes and when I opened them he had picked me couple of wild flowers mentioning they were probably weeds. I laughed and thanked him suddenly reminded of the days ages ago my dad would come back from the garden and give my mom a bouquet of his prized flowers as well as a kiss and I would mimic my dads footsteps picking the brightest dandelions I could find and giving them to my mom with a kiss as well. She would always gush about how beautiful they were and put them in the same vase as my dad's flowers. No one had ever picked me either wild flower or weed. The gesture was adorable and more profound then he'll ever know. I will cherish and hold on to the rainbow this time but I know when rain comes again, which it inevitably will, I strong enough to wait it out because... Well, it can't rain forever.

Drunken Tears

It must be nice for some people to escape into alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately for me substances just make me remember more and not less. Since it has been so long since I last consumed alcohol I thought things would be different because for the first time in my life I feel generally happy but I was wrong. It seems there's a layer very deep inside me that still remembers the horrors that have happened to me. So it was creeping into the early hours of Sunday when I sat crying next to Jamie, my dear friend. He too has seen me at my worst and soothes my trembling being, cooing to let it all out, that I don't have to be afraid. I appreciate him the most in these times but I know I've held him before while he cried and pulled him out of himself when he had fallen too deep.
As with Anthony and most of the relationships in my life externally I'm the hardass, the bitch, but truly I'm the weak one. The endlessly forgiving moron. I guess this is what haunts me. Too many times of being taken advantage of. It's funny, whenever someone takes advantage of another it's always the person who ends up hurt who is the fool. "you're the stupid one for trusting her" "that's what you get for forgiving him." What a sad world we live in that people consider trust and forgiveness weaknesses. How even more sad that they're completely right.
Everytime I wake up after one of these nights of indulgence (and then tears and torments) I feel embarrassed for bearing my soul and sobbing like a wounded animal (like the wounded animal I am). My friends as well as Anthony shoo away my apologize understanding some wounds never fully close. Still... Don't think I'll be drinking for a while.

Heartbreak

"Laying next to you makes me sad. Im desperate to pull you closer, pull you into me, to make us one person if i could but I know part of you won't allow it. It's makes me anxious and powerless that I can't will us together. I'm left feeling empty."

My eyes shot open. I was reliving November 5th, 2010 all over again in my dreams. The resignation, the blurred vision from so many tears. I took so many twists and turns I couldn't tell you now exactly where I parked when I decided it was the end... My trembling hands, the burn of vodka, fighting my body to keep it down because it's natural instinct was to expel the poison. Going back, being left alone to raid the draws full of stolen drugs. Taking what I knew were depressants. More tears, more trembling hands. I can't... That's why I wake up. This is too hard, too unbearable... How could I have been so cruel and unforgivable to myself? Trying to do to myself what is punishable by death, by life imprisonment if I inflicted it on another. Murder... I can't. I can't think about this. Whenever life is good things have a way of kicking up the bad, like sand, and throwing it in my eyes. For now I refuse these memories, slow my heart, stifle the tears and attempt sleep once more...