Forgiveness

Growing up I went to catholic school. This explains my interest in blue eyed caucasians and why I don't fit in anywhere really. A complete graham cracker; too brown to be a white person to white in my actions to be a minority. I feel like a child of an interracial couple. Not quite one thing or the other. But I guess I am a result of something similar... The coupling of two cultures... Few understand because most families that have come here believe that their country is the best. I am a mix of so many things that I thought I could choose who I became... Which I did... But that didnt mean anyone had to accept it. I'm a nice, intelligent girl. To rationalize this people "forget" I'm Hispanic. Part of me must be white, they think. It's kinda sad and hilarious. To be well liked I must hide part of myself. Well... Theres nothing about me to not like, eventually they'll see that. Annoying but people have had to prove themselves for ages. Our "modern" times just make it so that people have to hide their prejudice in the silence of their hearts.
Anyway catholic school taught me that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins. I've always been told to forgive as he did... Something I have lived by my entire life. All forgiveness has gotten me is beaten, battered and made to look like a fool. All forgiveness got him was a life devoted to nothing but being spit on, pummeled and nailed down like an animal. People forget to tell you that part. That the only thing you get out of being forgiving is a sense of self righteousness. To the rest of the world your a kind fool but a fool nonetheless. I always just felt I couldn't be bothered with hating someone or being angry about something. That's a difficult burden to carry around. Embarrassment is also cumbersome... I guess I'm just too forgiving but at least I know I'm not a bad person. I guess the point of forgiveness is inner peace. I guess I just have to stop forgetting the pain people caused me. Forgetting is why the crimes against myself are recommitted. Well to become old and wise you must first be young and stupid. I am learning a lot. Growing up is about making mistakes... I just hope I'm all grown up sooner rather than later.

Silly girl

I'm dumb for being so nice. Just so people know, at my age my mother was already exhibiting signs of schizophrenia. I for the record am not. Also, my biological mother has a big warm heart and is truthful and kind, she's just sick. People are cruel to make fun of the mentally ill. Its like any of disease. Anyway I'm in a sane healthy relationship about to celebrate my one year anniversary with a loyal gentle man. Schizophrenia can be treated with medication. As for other people... Once a glass has been shattered there's no hiding the fact that it's damaged. Well enjoying the rest of my night.

Sweet Autumn

He deserves all the praise I give him. All the sweet letters full of passion. He deserves to be told he is an amazing person and I would enjoy his companionship for the rest of my life. Last night I dreamt the two of us eloped and he was helping me plan a fancy wedding with my parents who were absolutely thrilled by our marriage. I awoke to him holding me and letting out a small pleasurable sigh as I snuggled closer and kissed his cheek. Last weekend we went to new hope and had an amazing time. He is patient and polite and he likes my interests and has interests of his own. We ate at an expensive restaurant where he didn't allow me to even look at the bill. When I told him he could get the check only if he let's me get the next three he got all pouty and said absolutely not. I love and hate that. I can pay for myself now and I could treat him as well but I love the feeling of being taken care of even though he knows full well I can take care of myself. There's something contemporarily chivalrous about it if that's not an oxymoron. Saturday I awoke in his arms. We went apple picking. On the way to the farm there was an Oktoberfest festival taking place. We stopped and had beehive cake. Then he made passionate love to me, afterwards it was to the supermarket and then we spent our night making pies and talking. He actually helped me bake and wanted to be good at it. In the kitchen he would watch me and smile. He would come from behind and gently hug me and kiss my head. He stopped me in the middle of the kitchen and danced with me for a second with no music playing. The love I feel when I'm around him... it makes me drunk. He's modest and kind and thoughtful. His gentleness is completely masculine and makes me want him much more. He's sensible and knows how to reprimand me and bring me to my senses in a way that opens my eyes and let's me see for myself how silly I'm being. I don't care what the world thinks of us. I'm so happy with him. And honestly he's just a happy with me. On December 26th in the wee hours of the morning he told me he wanted to give us a shot. "I want to be with you" Nine months later here I am writing about how perfect his is on our mini anniversary. My ex once jealously tweeted "a bigger man in every way" speaking of some fling I had. He was mainly write. But with Anthony? Well Anthony is the bigger man in every way. And I do mean every. I reflect on the fact that my birthday is coming up glad about that had happened. I would not be so happy now if none of it had happened. Anthony surpasses any man I have ever encountered. I told him tearfully the other day that of he ever decided to leave I would be so angry knowing i would have to look very hard and never find anyone as good. It's the truth. He's not perfect but frankly... other men should be taking notes.

Past mistakes

I nearly made an awful mistake... although I did fuck up it honestly could have been much worse, which is saying something. I realize now that although I am not an alcoholic by any means, alcohol does have horrible effects on me. Honestly drinking for me is equivalent to some people doing cocaine or E or something. I lose myself somewhere along the way. I was discussing it yesterday and I have never hooked up with someone while I was sober. It's always when I am plastered drunk, and I tend to always get plastered drunk when I drink. I figured this out months ago in therapy and have since not gotten drunk when I'm not around Anthony because the truth is I can't trust anyone when I'm drunk, least of all myself. It's strange to have this be part of me. Some alter-ego who just goes around wrecking everything the real Tania works her ass off for. At the Colombian festival last month I got tipsy and proceeded to having to avoid Carmen's friend who was determined to get me to cheat on my boyfriend. Shitty things just happen when I drink and if I was plastered the night would have probably had a different ending than me falling asleep in Anthony's arms. The past two days I've gotten drunk and agreed to do and did things Sober Tania would have never agreed to. In therapy I've learned that I dont feel anything when I'm drunk, no remorse or sense of consequence. Everything is just happy and fun and adventurous. It's not until the high is over that I see all the damage I inflicted on myself. When Derek broke up with me I got drunk and drank a bunch of pills. I lack feeling. I lack self control. Everyone agrees that Drunk Tania sucks. Jamie was the first to point it out. A friend from college loved that I was like that because she was the same way, sometimes worse. She enabled the partying and made it romantic and graceful. It wasn't until I met Anthony that I understood the mistakes of my past. Anthony knows everything about me. He knows my past and I tell him right away when I fuck up. He understands that when I'm drunk I'm a different person. I have learned that unconditional love means to be understanding and non-judgemental. After a night like last night I go to him and confess what I did. He never wants names because he doesn't want me to gossip nor does he care. Last night I was expecting the worse, for him to break up with me, call me a scumbag or crazy or a whore... I guess I expected the response my ex would have given me. Instead we had a civil conversation where he reminded me that I know better and that everything I do when i get drunk doesn't hurt him. He can leave and start over, ultimately I hurt myself. I don't need to learn this lesson anymore times. I am finally living the life I want to lead and I don't want to fuck it up at all. I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. Anthony also has to be an alien of some sort. I'm too lucky to have him. Honestly he deserves more credit for my recovery than I have given him. I'm not saying he made me a better person but his unshakable understanding has given me strength. This last month I have been caught up in other things. I have not been giving him my full attention. He deserves it all. Back to going back to my life.

Lessons learned

I guess I can't get angry anymore because everything I have learned has come from experience. I suppose my frustration comes when someone has seen me put my hand in the fire and watched me get horribly burned. They think that because they have thicker or tougher skin they will not get hurt but the truth is it's only a matter of time before their skin begins to blister. It's just the nature of the beast.
I've learned thy relationships are like vases. When something horrible or unforgivable happens in the relationship it's like your favorite vases falling to the ground. It doesn't matter if the vase was your favorite or meant the world to you if it smashes to the ground and you put it back together there are still going to be pieces missing and cracks that are evident to the world but most importantly to you. The more times the vase falls- the more times you try to glue it back together it is no longer that beautiful vase. It just keeps on missing more and more pieces each time it breaks until there are just shards of glass that don't fit together anymore- with cracks and holes that make the vase nonfunctional. It's just the pile of glass that looks awful and you're left with bleeding hands that are already scarred from the times you've tried to fix it. The truth is you just have to mourn the lose of your favorite vase, throw it away an get a new vase that suits you better. And you care for it differently, perhaps you get thicker glass or you put it on a different shelf either way it's a new vase. Sure you can look fondly on your old one but eventually you realize how much you love the way your flowers look in this one more. There are too many vases in the world to get caught up being frustrated an hurting yourself to make the old one whole because it never will be again.
It took me a long time to realize that. And even longer to put it in action. But the truth is that I learned it on my own. Forcing my beliefs and experience on someone else makes me no better than the bigots and self-righteous people I never wanted to become. So people have to learn on their own. One thing that Anthony has taught me it's that most things aren't my problem and I just need to slow down and enjoy my own life if people don't want to heed my warnings or take my help. I'm done getting frustrated. I'm done being the Tania that wants to get her point across even if I know I'm right. In the end people will learn just as I did. I can only hope they get it before I do. Because I had to feel death whisper my name to learn that lesson. I'm not a super hero nor do I know all the answers. I never claimed either but I have to stop holding myself to those expectations. I love my life now and have learned so much. I'm glad I'm alive today to enjoy the damp dawn air, smell the bad habit of cigarettes in the air and see the colors of dawn sneak into the sky. I'm glad I learned my lesson.

Happily ever after

I'm such a girl it's disgusting sometimes. I guess after talking to Christina a few times I've become slightly paranoid that someone better is gonna come along for Anthony as if I'm not good enough. What I've come to realize is that comparing this relationship to my last is not only wrong but there are just 2 people who couldn't be any less alike. The other night I got emotion (surprise?) and confessed all my thoughts. Anthony's response? "listen I'm sorry I don't give you enough reassurance, that's my fault. But just trust when I say things. I love you. I don't know if you and I will be forever but I wanna give it a try." My tears stopped immediately. "you wanna give forever a try?" "yeah, I wanna give us a try." I love how honest I can be. I know he will never hurt me. I worry that we're too young and this won't last but rationally I know he would never want that and I will wait for him to be ready. I guess that's the hardest part of dating someone who is younger or not in the same place as you. The waiting game. I'm ready for marriage. And children well within the next 7 years I hope that happens. But I rush life too often. I'm too impatient and pushy and I don't want to be that way anymore. I can wait.
The next day Anthony surprised me with a lovely day and a beautiful ring. A ring which I didn't have to ask for. The other day he asked what kind of jewelry I liked. I told him I don't wear too much. Just like earrings and rings. I just bought myself new earrings so he took it upon himself to buy me a new ring. He took initiative and just knew me. I love that. Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. But this is my life now. An amazing man, great job and I'm happy with myself. I even started losing weight again. It's like I'm a new person... It feels amazing.

Bathroom tears

Sometimes I'm too sensitive. I feel like I have no friends sometimes but honestly it's as much my fault as anyone else. I'm not proactive enough. True, I sometimes tire of being the person to initiate relationships but it's because people I tend to hang out with are like me so instead of hanging out we all end up sitting at home by ourselves wishing we had friends. Today I felt so alone and so unwanted over a silly misunderstanding that I even went into the bathroom to let out a few aggravated tears. Only to feel completely silly afterwards. (I was lucky I didn't mess up my make up). Really there's no reason for me to feel sad anymore. That's not my life. I'm an adult now and I just have to take action. Anthony is so good to me and brings me back to my senses all the time. I need a good metaphoric kick in the head sometimes and he's great for those.
This weeks lesson to Christina has been to not try and find a replacement for her ex. Feel the pain. Live in it for a while. When the time is right it will happen naturally and feel right. I gave myself 2 months off (well more than 2 months off from sex anyway). I allowed a relationship to develop. Until it hit me that I couldn't let this opportunity with Anthony pass me by. He was too good and if I listened to him I would have lost that to someone else. Anthony wanted me to wait a year or two or three. So much can happen in that time. So many people come in and out of peoples lives. I couldn't do it. But I sure as hell was not completely over Derek when we started dating and it showed sometimes. I never vocalized anything not even to my therapist but I was always sad and would spend days moping with no real reason. Well no reason I would admit to. Truth is the future I created with Derek needed to be mourned if nothing else of the relationship. And it wasn't until May, 5 months into my relationship, that I was truly over it. Hearing about Derek or seeing him as I did last week did not affect me. I would have rather not seen him but I still ended up having a blast and finally Anthony saw that I was being truthful that there was nothing left in my heart for him. Not even hate.
I hope Christina stays as strong as wants to because the truth is Derek needs to feel. Maybe through this he'll stop blaming others for his problems. And realize they are self inflicted. I don't know him anymore, I just know what I hear from christina and some of that is similar to what I went through. Truth is I wasn't a whore but I did betray his trust. Not because I wanted to but because I was trying to overcome my own issues. When I was alone I committed my same serial mistakes but without the guilt of another party I was finally able to pinpoint what I was really doing and I corrected the problem. I needed to get over frank and the violation at such a young age. I was stuck at 13 trying again and again to say no the right way. I finally learned how. By not putting myself in positions where I had to say no. Derek tried telling me that from the beginning but I was a child when we started dating. I needed to touch the stove myself. Something he never understood. So much like my father feeling he knew what was best. Another thing I learned throughout this marvelous year is that if you go into a relationship trying to replace the last person you aren't gonna be very successful in said relationship. Like me and the chef, that was totally a bandaid and I knew it. I won't say anything bad because he treated me well but not all that great. Everything wrong he did just reminded me of Derek and I held him to those expectations. We just weren't very compatible and that's why it really didn't work out. But he tried his best I was just trying to not feel the loss of Derek. And if you don't feel the loss you will never move on from it and that's how you get sucked in. I used to fear feeling it because I would end up back in his arms but the truth is that he fucked me over too many times. I would have to have zero self respect to go back after everything. The lies, the hitting, the belittling. He's a bad guy and needs to learn how to not be one of those. And I hope christina truly understands that.