I nearly made an awful mistake... although I did fuck up it honestly could have been much worse, which is saying something. I realize now that although I am not an alcoholic by any means, alcohol does have horrible effects on me. Honestly drinking for me is equivalent to some people doing cocaine or E or something. I lose myself somewhere along the way. I was discussing it yesterday and I have never hooked up with someone while I was sober. It's always when I am plastered drunk, and I tend to always get plastered drunk when I drink. I figured this out months ago in therapy and have since not gotten drunk when I'm not around Anthony because the truth is I can't trust anyone when I'm drunk, least of all myself. It's strange to have this be part of me. Some alter-ego who just goes around wrecking everything the real Tania works her ass off for. At the Colombian festival last month I got tipsy and proceeded to having to avoid Carmen's friend who was determined to get me to cheat on my boyfriend. Shitty things just happen when I drink and if I was plastered the night would have probably had a different ending than me falling asleep in Anthony's arms. The past two days I've gotten drunk and agreed to do and did things Sober Tania would have never agreed to. In therapy I've learned that I dont feel anything when I'm drunk, no remorse or sense of consequence. Everything is just happy and fun and adventurous. It's not until the high is over that I see all the damage I inflicted on myself. When Derek broke up with me I got drunk and drank a bunch of pills. I lack feeling. I lack self control. Everyone agrees that Drunk Tania sucks. Jamie was the first to point it out. A friend from college loved that I was like that because she was the same way, sometimes worse. She enabled the partying and made it romantic and graceful. It wasn't until I met Anthony that I understood the mistakes of my past. Anthony knows everything about me. He knows my past and I tell him right away when I fuck up. He understands that when I'm drunk I'm a different person. I have learned that unconditional love means to be understanding and non-judgemental. After a night like last night I go to him and confess what I did. He never wants names because he doesn't want me to gossip nor does he care. Last night I was expecting the worse, for him to break up with me, call me a scumbag or crazy or a whore... I guess I expected the response my ex would have given me. Instead we had a civil conversation where he reminded me that I know better and that everything I do when i get drunk doesn't hurt him. He can leave and start over, ultimately I hurt myself. I don't need to learn this lesson anymore times. I am finally living the life I want to lead and I don't want to fuck it up at all. I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. Anthony also has to be an alien of some sort. I'm too lucky to have him. Honestly he deserves more credit for my recovery than I have given him. I'm not saying he made me a better person but his unshakable understanding has given me strength. This last month I have been caught up in other things. I have not been giving him my full attention. He deserves it all. Back to going back to my life.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Lessons learned
I guess I can't get angry anymore because everything I have learned has come from experience. I suppose my frustration comes when someone has seen me put my hand in the fire and watched me get horribly burned. They think that because they have thicker or tougher skin they will not get hurt but the truth is it's only a matter of time before their skin begins to blister. It's just the nature of the beast.
I've learned thy relationships are like vases. When something horrible or unforgivable happens in the relationship it's like your favorite vases falling to the ground. It doesn't matter if the vase was your favorite or meant the world to you if it smashes to the ground and you put it back together there are still going to be pieces missing and cracks that are evident to the world but most importantly to you. The more times the vase falls- the more times you try to glue it back together it is no longer that beautiful vase. It just keeps on missing more and more pieces each time it breaks until there are just shards of glass that don't fit together anymore- with cracks and holes that make the vase nonfunctional. It's just the pile of glass that looks awful and you're left with bleeding hands that are already scarred from the times you've tried to fix it. The truth is you just have to mourn the lose of your favorite vase, throw it away an get a new vase that suits you better. And you care for it differently, perhaps you get thicker glass or you put it on a different shelf either way it's a new vase. Sure you can look fondly on your old one but eventually you realize how much you love the way your flowers look in this one more. There are too many vases in the world to get caught up being frustrated an hurting yourself to make the old one whole because it never will be again.
It took me a long time to realize that. And even longer to put it in action. But the truth is that I learned it on my own. Forcing my beliefs and experience on someone else makes me no better than the bigots and self-righteous people I never wanted to become. So people have to learn on their own. One thing that Anthony has taught me it's that most things aren't my problem and I just need to slow down and enjoy my own life if people don't want to heed my warnings or take my help. I'm done getting frustrated. I'm done being the Tania that wants to get her point across even if I know I'm right. In the end people will learn just as I did. I can only hope they get it before I do. Because I had to feel death whisper my name to learn that lesson. I'm not a super hero nor do I know all the answers. I never claimed either but I have to stop holding myself to those expectations. I love my life now and have learned so much. I'm glad I'm alive today to enjoy the damp dawn air, smell the bad habit of cigarettes in the air and see the colors of dawn sneak into the sky. I'm glad I learned my lesson.
I've learned thy relationships are like vases. When something horrible or unforgivable happens in the relationship it's like your favorite vases falling to the ground. It doesn't matter if the vase was your favorite or meant the world to you if it smashes to the ground and you put it back together there are still going to be pieces missing and cracks that are evident to the world but most importantly to you. The more times the vase falls- the more times you try to glue it back together it is no longer that beautiful vase. It just keeps on missing more and more pieces each time it breaks until there are just shards of glass that don't fit together anymore- with cracks and holes that make the vase nonfunctional. It's just the pile of glass that looks awful and you're left with bleeding hands that are already scarred from the times you've tried to fix it. The truth is you just have to mourn the lose of your favorite vase, throw it away an get a new vase that suits you better. And you care for it differently, perhaps you get thicker glass or you put it on a different shelf either way it's a new vase. Sure you can look fondly on your old one but eventually you realize how much you love the way your flowers look in this one more. There are too many vases in the world to get caught up being frustrated an hurting yourself to make the old one whole because it never will be again.
It took me a long time to realize that. And even longer to put it in action. But the truth is that I learned it on my own. Forcing my beliefs and experience on someone else makes me no better than the bigots and self-righteous people I never wanted to become. So people have to learn on their own. One thing that Anthony has taught me it's that most things aren't my problem and I just need to slow down and enjoy my own life if people don't want to heed my warnings or take my help. I'm done getting frustrated. I'm done being the Tania that wants to get her point across even if I know I'm right. In the end people will learn just as I did. I can only hope they get it before I do. Because I had to feel death whisper my name to learn that lesson. I'm not a super hero nor do I know all the answers. I never claimed either but I have to stop holding myself to those expectations. I love my life now and have learned so much. I'm glad I'm alive today to enjoy the damp dawn air, smell the bad habit of cigarettes in the air and see the colors of dawn sneak into the sky. I'm glad I learned my lesson.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Happily ever after
I'm such a girl it's disgusting sometimes. I guess after talking to Christina a few times I've become slightly paranoid that someone better is gonna come along for Anthony as if I'm not good enough. What I've come to realize is that comparing this relationship to my last is not only wrong but there are just 2 people who couldn't be any less alike. The other night I got emotion (surprise?) and confessed all my thoughts. Anthony's response? "listen I'm sorry I don't give you enough reassurance, that's my fault. But just trust when I say things. I love you. I don't know if you and I will be forever but I wanna give it a try." My tears stopped immediately. "you wanna give forever a try?" "yeah, I wanna give us a try." I love how honest I can be. I know he will never hurt me. I worry that we're too young and this won't last but rationally I know he would never want that and I will wait for him to be ready. I guess that's the hardest part of dating someone who is younger or not in the same place as you. The waiting game. I'm ready for marriage. And children well within the next 7 years I hope that happens. But I rush life too often. I'm too impatient and pushy and I don't want to be that way anymore. I can wait.
The next day Anthony surprised me with a lovely day and a beautiful ring. A ring which I didn't have to ask for. The other day he asked what kind of jewelry I liked. I told him I don't wear too much. Just like earrings and rings. I just bought myself new earrings so he took it upon himself to buy me a new ring. He took initiative and just knew me. I love that. Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. But this is my life now. An amazing man, great job and I'm happy with myself. I even started losing weight again. It's like I'm a new person... It feels amazing.
The next day Anthony surprised me with a lovely day and a beautiful ring. A ring which I didn't have to ask for. The other day he asked what kind of jewelry I liked. I told him I don't wear too much. Just like earrings and rings. I just bought myself new earrings so he took it upon himself to buy me a new ring. He took initiative and just knew me. I love that. Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. But this is my life now. An amazing man, great job and I'm happy with myself. I even started losing weight again. It's like I'm a new person... It feels amazing.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bathroom tears
Sometimes I'm too sensitive. I feel like I have no friends sometimes but honestly it's as much my fault as anyone else. I'm not proactive enough. True, I sometimes tire of being the person to initiate relationships but it's because people I tend to hang out with are like me so instead of hanging out we all end up sitting at home by ourselves wishing we had friends. Today I felt so alone and so unwanted over a silly misunderstanding that I even went into the bathroom to let out a few aggravated tears. Only to feel completely silly afterwards. (I was lucky I didn't mess up my make up). Really there's no reason for me to feel sad anymore. That's not my life. I'm an adult now and I just have to take action. Anthony is so good to me and brings me back to my senses all the time. I need a good metaphoric kick in the head sometimes and he's great for those.
This weeks lesson to Christina has been to not try and find a replacement for her ex. Feel the pain. Live in it for a while. When the time is right it will happen naturally and feel right. I gave myself 2 months off (well more than 2 months off from sex anyway). I allowed a relationship to develop. Until it hit me that I couldn't let this opportunity with Anthony pass me by. He was too good and if I listened to him I would have lost that to someone else. Anthony wanted me to wait a year or two or three. So much can happen in that time. So many people come in and out of peoples lives. I couldn't do it. But I sure as hell was not completely over Derek when we started dating and it showed sometimes. I never vocalized anything not even to my therapist but I was always sad and would spend days moping with no real reason. Well no reason I would admit to. Truth is the future I created with Derek needed to be mourned if nothing else of the relationship. And it wasn't until May, 5 months into my relationship, that I was truly over it. Hearing about Derek or seeing him as I did last week did not affect me. I would have rather not seen him but I still ended up having a blast and finally Anthony saw that I was being truthful that there was nothing left in my heart for him. Not even hate.
I hope Christina stays as strong as wants to because the truth is Derek needs to feel. Maybe through this he'll stop blaming others for his problems. And realize they are self inflicted. I don't know him anymore, I just know what I hear from christina and some of that is similar to what I went through. Truth is I wasn't a whore but I did betray his trust. Not because I wanted to but because I was trying to overcome my own issues. When I was alone I committed my same serial mistakes but without the guilt of another party I was finally able to pinpoint what I was really doing and I corrected the problem. I needed to get over frank and the violation at such a young age. I was stuck at 13 trying again and again to say no the right way. I finally learned how. By not putting myself in positions where I had to say no. Derek tried telling me that from the beginning but I was a child when we started dating. I needed to touch the stove myself. Something he never understood. So much like my father feeling he knew what was best. Another thing I learned throughout this marvelous year is that if you go into a relationship trying to replace the last person you aren't gonna be very successful in said relationship. Like me and the chef, that was totally a bandaid and I knew it. I won't say anything bad because he treated me well but not all that great. Everything wrong he did just reminded me of Derek and I held him to those expectations. We just weren't very compatible and that's why it really didn't work out. But he tried his best I was just trying to not feel the loss of Derek. And if you don't feel the loss you will never move on from it and that's how you get sucked in. I used to fear feeling it because I would end up back in his arms but the truth is that he fucked me over too many times. I would have to have zero self respect to go back after everything. The lies, the hitting, the belittling. He's a bad guy and needs to learn how to not be one of those. And I hope christina truly understands that.
This weeks lesson to Christina has been to not try and find a replacement for her ex. Feel the pain. Live in it for a while. When the time is right it will happen naturally and feel right. I gave myself 2 months off (well more than 2 months off from sex anyway). I allowed a relationship to develop. Until it hit me that I couldn't let this opportunity with Anthony pass me by. He was too good and if I listened to him I would have lost that to someone else. Anthony wanted me to wait a year or two or three. So much can happen in that time. So many people come in and out of peoples lives. I couldn't do it. But I sure as hell was not completely over Derek when we started dating and it showed sometimes. I never vocalized anything not even to my therapist but I was always sad and would spend days moping with no real reason. Well no reason I would admit to. Truth is the future I created with Derek needed to be mourned if nothing else of the relationship. And it wasn't until May, 5 months into my relationship, that I was truly over it. Hearing about Derek or seeing him as I did last week did not affect me. I would have rather not seen him but I still ended up having a blast and finally Anthony saw that I was being truthful that there was nothing left in my heart for him. Not even hate.
I hope Christina stays as strong as wants to because the truth is Derek needs to feel. Maybe through this he'll stop blaming others for his problems. And realize they are self inflicted. I don't know him anymore, I just know what I hear from christina and some of that is similar to what I went through. Truth is I wasn't a whore but I did betray his trust. Not because I wanted to but because I was trying to overcome my own issues. When I was alone I committed my same serial mistakes but without the guilt of another party I was finally able to pinpoint what I was really doing and I corrected the problem. I needed to get over frank and the violation at such a young age. I was stuck at 13 trying again and again to say no the right way. I finally learned how. By not putting myself in positions where I had to say no. Derek tried telling me that from the beginning but I was a child when we started dating. I needed to touch the stove myself. Something he never understood. So much like my father feeling he knew what was best. Another thing I learned throughout this marvelous year is that if you go into a relationship trying to replace the last person you aren't gonna be very successful in said relationship. Like me and the chef, that was totally a bandaid and I knew it. I won't say anything bad because he treated me well but not all that great. Everything wrong he did just reminded me of Derek and I held him to those expectations. We just weren't very compatible and that's why it really didn't work out. But he tried his best I was just trying to not feel the loss of Derek. And if you don't feel the loss you will never move on from it and that's how you get sucked in. I used to fear feeling it because I would end up back in his arms but the truth is that he fucked me over too many times. I would have to have zero self respect to go back after everything. The lies, the hitting, the belittling. He's a bad guy and needs to learn how to not be one of those. And I hope christina truly understands that.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Just what I want
Talking to Christina has been therapeutic in many ways. I know it's really silly of me and those who love me are just expecting me to get hurt but this is the first time I've been talking to her that there has been a positive for me. Through talking to her I have realized how wonderful I have it now. My man is actually a man who is kind and gentle and considerate. Talking to her I realize how unhappy I was and how unhappy I would still be with him if she had never come into the picture. So I suppose im grateful she wanted him so bad. I was set free for someone more malleable.
But I also began remembering things I didn't want to and remembering how Derek would put me down and call me a bad girlfriend. So Friday I set up to give Anthony a wonderful day. I took him out to dinner (he objected me paying the whole time, even after dinner) I bought him presents (which he insisted were not necessary) and gave him a long sexy massage. After everything he held me close, as he prefers it, and I began getting emotional. He asked why and I finally confided that I felt like I was a bad girlfriend who didn't do enough for him which he immediately denied. After disagreeing for a little he finally said, "stop! You're everything I want. You're all I want. And you're so nice it's actually a flaw! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I love you." there wrapped up into one breath was everything I needed to hear. "you know just how to dissipate my crazy" "for the most part I love your crazy... A little." and he held me close until we both drifted off into sleep.
He's so perfect. I woke up to kisses and making love which is always a lovely way to wake up... Well depending on the situation, lol. And the whole drive home he was kissing my hand and joking to stop paying attention to the road and look into his eyes. Imagine. Being loved the way I only dreamed about in fairytales. I'm never going to let the kid go. I have so much fun with him. He's honestly become my best friend. I can tell him anything and everything, and I do. I am completely honest and he embraces that and appreciates that more than anyone else. Almost 8 months but I just know I want this to be my last relationship. I've had a taste of ugly hate and painful heartache. And the truth of the matter is that Christina WAS much better to Derek... But he still ended up beating her... Twice. So I guess he is the crazy one after all.
As I write this I just witnessed a woman in labor and a frantic new father to be... I want that to be Anthony one day. I can't wait. Back to work... :)
But I also began remembering things I didn't want to and remembering how Derek would put me down and call me a bad girlfriend. So Friday I set up to give Anthony a wonderful day. I took him out to dinner (he objected me paying the whole time, even after dinner) I bought him presents (which he insisted were not necessary) and gave him a long sexy massage. After everything he held me close, as he prefers it, and I began getting emotional. He asked why and I finally confided that I felt like I was a bad girlfriend who didn't do enough for him which he immediately denied. After disagreeing for a little he finally said, "stop! You're everything I want. You're all I want. And you're so nice it's actually a flaw! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I love you." there wrapped up into one breath was everything I needed to hear. "you know just how to dissipate my crazy" "for the most part I love your crazy... A little." and he held me close until we both drifted off into sleep.
He's so perfect. I woke up to kisses and making love which is always a lovely way to wake up... Well depending on the situation, lol. And the whole drive home he was kissing my hand and joking to stop paying attention to the road and look into his eyes. Imagine. Being loved the way I only dreamed about in fairytales. I'm never going to let the kid go. I have so much fun with him. He's honestly become my best friend. I can tell him anything and everything, and I do. I am completely honest and he embraces that and appreciates that more than anyone else. Almost 8 months but I just know I want this to be my last relationship. I've had a taste of ugly hate and painful heartache. And the truth of the matter is that Christina WAS much better to Derek... But he still ended up beating her... Twice. So I guess he is the crazy one after all.
As I write this I just witnessed a woman in labor and a frantic new father to be... I want that to be Anthony one day. I can't wait. Back to work... :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Perfect Man
There is no such thing as the perfect man but honestly after tonight I'm so glad I have Anthony. I have gone through our relationship in my head and... seriously how did I luck out? He actually tries to be a great boyfriend and he has been able to succeed. I'm in awe of him and how lucky I truly am. We have amazing times together. He's not afraid to be affectionate with me and joke around. He is my best friend and my man. I can only be so lucky as to spend my life with him but I'll settle for any second of any minute I get to be with him. He will always be part of my life no matter what. I promise. Ugh! So in love. Love love love... I feel so lame and I love every minute of it.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Standing at the edge of a cliff
There was a boy with blond hair and blue eyes. Dreamy... well as dreamy as one 4 year old is to another. He had one of those fashionable rat ponytails that was so popular in the early 90's. He lived behind my house and he became one of my very first friends. When I made the transfer from catholic to public school he took me under his wing and introduced me to people. He was well liked, athletic and extremely funny. Everyone loved Matt. Including me. I always knew he was out of my league though and I accepted my place as friend. When it was time to transfer to middle school Matt moved away. He always asked about me, and I asked about him. Finally I found him on facebook but like most facebook friends he laid forgotten amount the other two hundred and something people I'm not even sure I really knew. When I switched my accounts last year after the whole Derek (coughshitheadcough) crap I just didn't happen to add him again. I was going through far too much shit. Apparently he was too... He killed himself. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why but for the first time in my existence I can hear about this suicide and understand. Just understand. Before I thought, "How could someone be so selfish? Leave everything behind for something that doesn't even matter!" In November I stood at that same cliff. I looked down and was at peace with the idea of all of it ending. People may feel like I was being selfish but really they were the ones being selfish. I was in too much pain. They needed to understand. I haven't really thought about the day since a little after it happened. Since I heard the news I find it hard to stop thinking about it. It's like the universe wants me to revisit that pain...
My mother asked me just before to check in her drawer for one of her credit cards and there I found instead, like a secret she was trying to stash, all of my discharge paperwork from 11/06/10. Diagnosis? Drug toxicity/ overdose and Depression. Along with that? My prom picture with Derek. Do I miss him? No. But I looked at the picture after months of not seeing his face and remembered how beautiful I thought he was. How much I fucking loved him. Its funny that my mother had put them together. As if she knew I would one day find it and she's saying, "He is who lead you down this road." I look at myself in the picture, still very young and looked so doe eyed. I look like I'm thinking, "He's so much more attractive than me, how can he stand being next to me?" I lingered on his face. Air brushed and pale... In my memories he's so hideous, every imperfection exaggerated. But this picture of 19 year old Derek looks so different than the man he became in my memory. Ha, then I remembered my actual prom where he at first refused to go and then finally caved as a little surprise only to cross his arms and barely say anything during my prom. He wouldn't dance with me. I barely remember leaving the table. I don't have pictures with my friends because although I was angry at him for being a party pooper I stilled loved being in his presence. What a stupid little bitch I was. I look at that girl and say, can you believe you stayed for so long? He treated you like absolute garbage but you ate all that shit up because you thought he was some god sent to rescue you from all the sucky shit in your life. He became my God. When you're savior forsakes you what else can you do but to end your worthless life.
I remember sitting on his bathroom floor after he wrestled me down to there (I think I had a knife?)... He gave me a Xanax and suddenly I was able to think unclouded by my agony although it was still there. I was going to drink all of my pain medicine with a bottle of vodka. I told him to get me both and he did because I'm sure part of him loved having the control of my life in his hands and the other part was curious if I would actually do it... I left his house ("If you're going to kill yourself don't do it in my house") and drove. I parked somewhere no one was around. I sat for a moment, closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel not just the pain of that day but all the pain I had ever felt. This is the right thing to do. You'll feel much better and no one else will ever be able to harm you... I thought. After it was done I went back to his house... because although he had forsaken me I wanted to die in his arms. Dramatic? Completely, but this was the ending of my life. I should be allowed to go out with a bang. My one mistake was saying goodbye to my best friend. I needed her to be strong and tell my family I loved them. Because that's something everyone needed to know. That I loved them but I couldn't do this anymore. Derek read the message and started freaking out. He left his house and went for a walk when I remember he had a stash of prescription meds he may or may not have stolen from his last place of employment. Among them? Ambien and Xanax. I took as many as I could and laid back down hoping the end would come sooner now. Caitlin called her mother who called my mother. She came to get me. To steal me away from my savior. I hated her for it but looking back now I see how much pain was in her eyes and how scared she was. How viciously she looked at Derek like a lioness seeping venom at him with every glare. "She's weak like you" or something like that I remember him saying to her. To my mother who was actually trying to save my life not being a little bitch ass coward like he was. My mother was far from weak in that moment. She took me home and tried to get me to vomit and she consulted with my brother. After that my memory ends. "I want my phone, Derek may have tried to call!" I said over and over again. It was the first thing I said to my father when I regained consciousness 18 hours later. Tear streaked face... My old man looked so weak, so utterly vulnerable and all I wanted was to know if Derek had called... He hadn't. Many months later I found out he had fucked the 16 year old the night I nearly died... Figures.
My life now? Nothing compared to that day. I am so happy now... but after hearing about Matt's suicide... For some reason I find myself questioning everything. Am I really happier? Is it really a good thing that I survived?... I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I wish I would have shared my story with him. About both my downfall and the success I have had rising from the ashes. But I can't blame him... the saddest part is that I know he died with at least a little bit of peace... more than he had probably felt in a long time. For that I am happy for him. But never again will I be so weak... If there isn't a god... well then I should be my own god and worship myself and be my own savior. That's what I have learned this year. I do feel rather sad though... and I also dislike reliving this time in my life... But I will never, ever...EVER be so pathetic again. The thing I love most about Anthony? "I want to enhance your life, not dictate it. Live your life... and let me be a part of it. not all of it." I hope I marry him... If not I promise he will always be part of my life, because I love him far too much.
I stood at the edge of that cliff and even jumped. Somehow I survived and although I have thousands of dollars in medical bills I'm glad I'm still here...
My mother asked me just before to check in her drawer for one of her credit cards and there I found instead, like a secret she was trying to stash, all of my discharge paperwork from 11/06/10. Diagnosis? Drug toxicity/ overdose and Depression. Along with that? My prom picture with Derek. Do I miss him? No. But I looked at the picture after months of not seeing his face and remembered how beautiful I thought he was. How much I fucking loved him. Its funny that my mother had put them together. As if she knew I would one day find it and she's saying, "He is who lead you down this road." I look at myself in the picture, still very young and looked so doe eyed. I look like I'm thinking, "He's so much more attractive than me, how can he stand being next to me?" I lingered on his face. Air brushed and pale... In my memories he's so hideous, every imperfection exaggerated. But this picture of 19 year old Derek looks so different than the man he became in my memory. Ha, then I remembered my actual prom where he at first refused to go and then finally caved as a little surprise only to cross his arms and barely say anything during my prom. He wouldn't dance with me. I barely remember leaving the table. I don't have pictures with my friends because although I was angry at him for being a party pooper I stilled loved being in his presence. What a stupid little bitch I was. I look at that girl and say, can you believe you stayed for so long? He treated you like absolute garbage but you ate all that shit up because you thought he was some god sent to rescue you from all the sucky shit in your life. He became my God. When you're savior forsakes you what else can you do but to end your worthless life.
I remember sitting on his bathroom floor after he wrestled me down to there (I think I had a knife?)... He gave me a Xanax and suddenly I was able to think unclouded by my agony although it was still there. I was going to drink all of my pain medicine with a bottle of vodka. I told him to get me both and he did because I'm sure part of him loved having the control of my life in his hands and the other part was curious if I would actually do it... I left his house ("If you're going to kill yourself don't do it in my house") and drove. I parked somewhere no one was around. I sat for a moment, closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel not just the pain of that day but all the pain I had ever felt. This is the right thing to do. You'll feel much better and no one else will ever be able to harm you... I thought. After it was done I went back to his house... because although he had forsaken me I wanted to die in his arms. Dramatic? Completely, but this was the ending of my life. I should be allowed to go out with a bang. My one mistake was saying goodbye to my best friend. I needed her to be strong and tell my family I loved them. Because that's something everyone needed to know. That I loved them but I couldn't do this anymore. Derek read the message and started freaking out. He left his house and went for a walk when I remember he had a stash of prescription meds he may or may not have stolen from his last place of employment. Among them? Ambien and Xanax. I took as many as I could and laid back down hoping the end would come sooner now. Caitlin called her mother who called my mother. She came to get me. To steal me away from my savior. I hated her for it but looking back now I see how much pain was in her eyes and how scared she was. How viciously she looked at Derek like a lioness seeping venom at him with every glare. "She's weak like you" or something like that I remember him saying to her. To my mother who was actually trying to save my life not being a little bitch ass coward like he was. My mother was far from weak in that moment. She took me home and tried to get me to vomit and she consulted with my brother. After that my memory ends. "I want my phone, Derek may have tried to call!" I said over and over again. It was the first thing I said to my father when I regained consciousness 18 hours later. Tear streaked face... My old man looked so weak, so utterly vulnerable and all I wanted was to know if Derek had called... He hadn't. Many months later I found out he had fucked the 16 year old the night I nearly died... Figures.
My life now? Nothing compared to that day. I am so happy now... but after hearing about Matt's suicide... For some reason I find myself questioning everything. Am I really happier? Is it really a good thing that I survived?... I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I wish I would have shared my story with him. About both my downfall and the success I have had rising from the ashes. But I can't blame him... the saddest part is that I know he died with at least a little bit of peace... more than he had probably felt in a long time. For that I am happy for him. But never again will I be so weak... If there isn't a god... well then I should be my own god and worship myself and be my own savior. That's what I have learned this year. I do feel rather sad though... and I also dislike reliving this time in my life... But I will never, ever...EVER be so pathetic again. The thing I love most about Anthony? "I want to enhance your life, not dictate it. Live your life... and let me be a part of it. not all of it." I hope I marry him... If not I promise he will always be part of my life, because I love him far too much.
I stood at the edge of that cliff and even jumped. Somehow I survived and although I have thousands of dollars in medical bills I'm glad I'm still here...
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