Realizations

So my father went away on a spiritual retreat and before he left my mother asked me to write him a letter so that he could read it while he was there. I wrote to him about love and forgiveness and included a verse from the Bible.

"All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. Be imitators of God, as beloved children and live in love as Christ loved." 

I am reading all types of theology because I want to be able to relate to everyone and spread my thoughts with every type of person from all walks of life in a way they will understand and relate to. Being a visiting nurse has been so very good for me and my growth as a person. As a visiting nurse I deal with ALL types of families from all types of socio-economic statuses, ethnicities, and religions. I treat them all the same. Honestly it fuels my desire to be a human rights advocate; there is so much poverty, there is so little education. Religion is free group therapy. Unfortunately people think that just walking into the building is enough to be saved. I just gotta say some "Our Father's" and eat this cracker and suddenly I'm saved. There is so much truth and guidance and wisdom in theology but people get caught up in needing to be right about their interpretations. This is what all religion in the world boils down to... LOVE EACH OTHER. BE KIND. FORGIVE. That's pretty much it. Everything else are just the little details. We all have the same message, it doesn't matter if we use psychology, catholicism, judaism what have you- the message is more important than fighting over what to eat and what to wear. 

Well at the end of the retreats there's a mass where the "candidates" get to talk about their experiences. The church is full of parents who are hoping the good Lord helped their son give up heroin, and wives who hope their husbands will stop drinking and being violent. They are so excited and hopeful to meet their brand new family member. It's nice but sad because I know it doesn't stick. Why do you think religions request times of meditation daily and one day a week for worship? Because weekly therapy is really helpful. So these kids who went to be saved are saved for today... But then life starts up again, and shit gets stressful and they start slipping and wondering where the fuck God went. It's all so clear to me. I feel like all the problems in the world stem from one thing... A lack of knowledge. When you know more you can do better. Why is the whole world not being educated then? 

The mass was actually beautiful. The priest was a Mexican-American and he was really silly and funny and everything he spent mass speaking about was what I had written to my dad. He spoke of love and forgiveness and second chances. I was captivated because he was speaking about all the things I have been feeling and I felt oddly reassured that I was on the right path. 

During the mass I couldn't help but stare at this beautiful woman who was sitting a few pews in front of me. She was Dominican, her mahogany skin looked so smooth and positively radiant. She was so well put together but there was something else about her. She was a full figured woman but she exuded confidence, beauty and just a warm glow. At the end of mass she ended up standing next to me waiting for someone. I hesitated for a second then put my hand on her arm, she looked at me and I told her she looked very beautiful. Her eyes filled with tears and she thanked me. A few minutes later I saw her with one of the candidates and she was holding him close, tears streaming on both their faces, "I'm so proud of you, I love you so very much" I heard her say. That radiance I couldn't look away from was love.  

Educating myself in different religions and belief systems allows me to relate to people. I spent my summer night talking to my father about forgiveness, love and Derek. My father was so calm but it's so apparent that he still sees me as a little girl. 

"Tania, you're still young and inexperienced, one day you'll see where I'm coming from."

"I'm your little girl but I'm not A little girl. Don't tell me I'm not experienced. I've had to overcome a hell of a lot more than you ever did. You're 63 and you're just starting to see the message. For example you never gave Derek a chance, "

"Well, you just brought him in my home and I was what? Just supposed to accept it? From the moment you forced an introduction I decided I didn't want to accept him,"

"And so you didn't! You never gave him a chance," This is where it started getting heated.

"You were living in my house and you just brought him in without consulting me or telling me anything first. You just brought him over unannounced and I'm supposed to want to get to know him?"

"Yes!"

"No!" at this point my dad stood up and paced the patio. 

"Sit down, please... I want to say something but I want to say it in a way you're going to understand me so I need to to give me a second and to be receptive to what I'm saying." He sat and nodded. My mother was on the sidelines watching us go back and forth like a tennis match. "Because of everything my brothers and I have had to live because of your and mami's parenting... I want to focus my career on childhood development and parenting."

"Oh, with the bad parenting stuff... Listen! My parents fed me and clothed me until I was 16 years old after that I was on my own. At 21 I dropped out of college, which I was putting myself through working two jobs to come to this country. I didn't know the language, I didn't have any family or any friends here but I wanted more and I knew mami and papi weren't going to help me get anywhere."

"Yeah, Papi... that was shitty. That would make me very angry. I can see it still makes you angry."

"I'm not angry, it never bothered me. It was what it was. But i learned if I wanted to be something I had to rely on myself. So I'm sorry if I can't feel sorry for you and your brother when I tried to give you all the best things I could afford."

"Yeah, well that's the problem. We didn't want things. What we needed didn't have a price. Love. Giving hugs, letting us know we were important, that shit is free. How many times did you tell me you loved me before I said it to you when I was 18?"

"I dunno, not enough I'm guessing?"

"Did you say it everyday?"

"*sigh* no"

"Once a week?... Once a year? Never?"

"Maybe I didn't say it but I thought it all the time."

"Too bad we weren't mind readers, then... Want to know how I'm going to handle the situation when my daughter brings someone home?... I'm going to talk to him and get to know him and get to know his family and his friends because I love my daughter and I want her to be safe and the only way I will know she's safe is if I build a relationship with her and the people in her life no matter how difficult they are. As a parent it was your responsibility to get to know who I brought home and guide me and teach me the right way of handling a relationship. The Bible says to be imitators of God. To love and forgive."

"I forgive but I don't forget."

"Then you don't forgive. You run these retreats and talk to people about God and the Bible. Since you do that it means you don't actually have to practice what you preach?" 

"...I never said I was a perfect man."

"But since now you know better you should do better. Let your sons know they are important and loved. Let people in to your heart without being suspicious of when they're going to betray you."

The conversation went on but it was the most my father has ever told me about his feelings and his past. During the conversation he was open and did tell me a few times he loved him. I told him about my philosophies. He told me the first year he was in the US he would send all his money back to his parents and when he went out to visit the first time they didn't even say thank you. I told him that was shitty too, he shrugged and sadly said, "But I was a good son." 

Fuck... Now I get my dad. I really need to talk to my advisor at school and figure out what the fuck I can do with this new talent of mine.

Full Potential

I had an amazing day. I find myself entertaining. I don't know if that makes me crazy but I am always laughing at the silliness that goes through my head. I have a lot of time to think when I'm working seeing as I drive anywhere from 80 to 150 miles during a shift. It used to kill me because my head used to be full of negative thoughts but now it's full of ideas and dreams and aspirations and questions. It's terrifying but really entertaining for the most part. I love being silly. I love not caring what other people think about me anymore. I love not being afraid of life... Like yeah of course it's scary and unpredictable but I know that nothing is the end of the world. Even the end of the world isn't the end of the world because I'm not afraid anymore.

I control nothing outside of myself. Hell I don't even control anything within myself. The only thing I can control is my perspective by making the best choice with the options I'm given. I was talking before with my mother about all the exciting stuff going on in my mind. I talked to her about my future and how I think I may be crazy.

"It started with Instagram. I was scrolling and an old friend posted a video of her 2 year old counting and singing. Watching it was like getting kicked in the stomach," when I said this my mother sucked her teeth, "just listen. Then I mosey on over to Facebook and another friend threw a ninja turtle themed birthday party for her son, and then I felt a lump in my throat." My mother rolled her eyes at this.

"Ay, Tannie. How many times do I have to tell you..."

"I'm not done. So the way I felt wasn't jealousy or like I needed it to happen right away... It was a feeling of anticipation. More like, 'I want that so bad!!! I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen!' If I want to be an amazing parent then I need to prepare myself so that none of my issues affect my children. I want to be as healthy as possible, I want to have my career in motion, have the ability to have good relationships, have stability and calm in my life. I want to be my best so that I can give my children the absolute best."

As I was talking she looked antsy like she was waiting for her turn to talk. When I had stopped talking for a sufficient amount of time she blurted out, "But where is God? You say you want, you want but where is God?"

"...What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry... I'm frustrated because you aren't listening. Where is God?! Everywhere! In everyone. He is in you and in me and in everything. Do you even know me? You're so frustrated by the fact that I don't go to church that you're missing the big picture. I treat everyone and everything with understanding, compassion, patience, love and respect..."
"Yes, yes I know, you're a nurse-"
"No! Not just as a nurse. I am this person all the time. This doesn't shut off. I live my life treating everyone with compassion, love, understanding-"
"I know, I know."
"Obviously you don't and I don't care how many times I have to repeat it as long as it eventually sticks in your head and you understand it. I always try my best. I interpret the Bible differently than you but I have the same values and morals as you do-"
"I know you're a good person, I'm not saying you're a bad person."
"Stop! Stop thinking about what you think I mean and listen to my words-pay attention to my actions. You're so busy trying to make a point you're missing the big picture and at the end of the day the big picture is all that matters. I do more good that most people who go to church every Sunday... So please, spare me from trying to convince me how terrible it is that I don't go to church. I am grateful every minute of every day. I don't need to block out an hour to listen to some idiot tell me what he thinks my God has to say to me. I know my mission in life."
She stayed quiet. I teased her about something to let her know I wasn't upset, she joked back. As I left my mother gave me a kiss and a big hug. 20 minutes later she called and said she wanted me to know she thought I was completely right. "Getting frustrated because you don't go to church is silly. People go to church to figure out how to live the way that you already do. I'm sorry I wasn't listening and didn't let you talk." With patience and kindness people can learn. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer for him to do it.

I was talking to Eddie about my (nonexistent) love life before (today was full of a lot of revelations and deep talks). I love talking to Eddie. He's an amazing listener, funny and he is extremely open to my ideas. He encourages me and makes me feel important. I wish he and my brother would adopt a baby. They would be amazing parents. So he asked how things were going with the man and I told him that things are going great which is the truth. I explained to Eddie that I'm so happy to be friends with Derek. I love him very much. After everything we've been through I feel like it proves we really enjoy each other as people, the fact that we can just joke around and be friends. I'm glad he enjoys me as a person. That makes me feel good because I genuinely like him as well.
Eddie confided in me that he worried we were moving too fast and that I was trying to "fix" him so that I could be in a relationship again. A different Tania would have been offended but I just told Eddie that Derek's a person not a bench. And "fixing" him for selfish reasons is kinda shitty, lol.

"I hope I can always remain friends with him. I've been so motivated and have grown so much in the last month because I love him and want him in my life."
"But you should be doing that for you."
"I am doing it for me. I want him to be part of my life. I love him very much and I love our families and I hold that in my mind at all moments. All the people I hurt were all the people I loved. If I want him in my life I have to be my absolute best because I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I don't care if he marries someone else. It will hurt, but I'm not fucking ugly or stupid. I'll find someone to take care of this," he obviously chuckled, "...but I honestly see all he has to offer. I know who he really is. He's silly, kind, loving and good. He loves helping people. I want to be his best friend. I want to see him happy and succeed in life because I care about him a lot."

I truly am just a fan of life lately. I've made some true breakthroughs in the last few days. Life is full of endless possibilities. I'm excited to see where mine takes me.

What Do I Deserve?

I've spent my day reflecting upon my life and being introspective. I woke up with crippling anxiety because life is doing it's own thing and I have trouble riding out waves without feeling like panicking. I prayed this morning and meditated then took my pup outside and sat and wrote in my journal until it all made sense.

I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.

I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.

I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.

Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.

In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.

What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.

Happiness is not a destination, its a way of traveling.

Happiness doesn't fall in your lap one day. Happiness isn't found in money nor in people; happiness is choice which is made on a moment to moment basis.

Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."

Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.

Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.

If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.

Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.

I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.

For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.

Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...

Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.



This is my favorite monologue.

Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?


Pamela: You wanna tell me?


Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.


Pamela: You wanna tell me.


Louis: Yes. Please.


Pamela: Go ahead…


Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.


Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.


Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.


Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!


Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.


Pamela: Louie…


Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.


.................................

All Things Grow with Love

I'm having a rough day. I have to call my dr and make an appt because I've been feeling extra drained and emotional and it probably has to do with the fact that my period decided to chill with me 3 different times in the last month including currently. Its stupid though because they'll probably just relate it to stress. I got plenty of that shit.
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.

What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.

And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.

I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.

To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
the end.

Four Fathers

This Father’s day was simple but magical. I spent the day with my brothers, mom, dad and Eddie. It was completely uneventful but the best father’s day we’ve ever had. As I was sitting on my porch enjoying the summer night air with Linus, I began looking back at my childhood.

My father was my first love. Most people dislike my dad because he’s a grumpy old man, lol, but I know a side of my father that is so gentle, loving and kind that I wish the rest of the world could see. My father has taught to be compassionate and empathetic from years of practice being that way with him. Because of him I know that even the scariest and stony of men are capable of love and kindness. My father’s love for me is an endless ocean. He respects my opinions and ideas even when he doesn’t agree.  

The dinner table this evening was electric with nostalgia. My brothers and I took turns teasing one another (Danny always being our fallback, of course). Jr mimed his death behind Danny’s back as Danny told the longest story of my life. Rudy was eating healthy in a muscle shirt, cracking wiseass remarks. I felt like a kid around the dinner table again, spending a day with the men I loved first.

My brothers are 12 and 13 years older than me.  Growing up I had 4 dads.

Danny will be an amazing father one day, he already is. Danny has always been there for me and taught me what healthy parenting is. Danny never hit me or disrespected me; he was always kind and always knew who my friends were and their parents and their numbers and addresses and zodiac signs, etc. Danny was naturally an amazing and involved parent. Danny got me ready for school, fed me, and helped me with homework. He spoiled me and always let me know how much he loved me. Danny taught me trust; he kept all my secrets and didn’t judge me. I’m able to tell Danny anything and I know he will give me at least 3 suggestions on how to handle the situation. He loves me unconditionally. 

Rudy’s always been the family’s douchy beefcake, lol. He always treated me as his equal, when I was 5 he talked to me like I was a person, not a baby. He’d have real conversations with me and would give me responsibilities. The fact that he trusted me gave me confidence in my own abilities. He always built up my confidence and showed me the utmost respect. Rudy always made me feel intelligent and beautiful.

Jr was my best friend and ensured I enjoyed my childhood. Jr taught me how to ride a bike, he played with me, teased me and gave me wedgies and wet willies. He protected my childhood and innocence and encouraged me to dream and then dream bigger and then pursue those dreams. He believed in me and taught me how to believe in myself. He taught me art, music and culture. Jr taught me being different was way cooler than trying to mold myself into what others wanted me to be. Through Jr I learned to be myself, value creativity and be supportive.

I wanna toss my mom in here just because I'm feeling grateful. That woman has taught me laughter and unconditional love. She's been my parent, sister, daughter. She told me to never depend on a man. To get an education and when I'm done learn more and after that keep learning.

  

I want to note that not one of these four men is my biological father but they all took part in raising me and helping me become the woman I am today. Any success I have was a collaborate effort of my whole family. I value each and every one of them for the best parts of me came from them. My family is flawed and unhealthy but I love the person I am today and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I love my life, it's been interesting. I love my family... we're definitely a psychiatrist's wet dream.  

Stop being such a b...

RANT!!!!

Holy shit! Girls can be so fucking mean, especially these little girls growing up now. These little c words go around swearing they're the sexiest things alive and being bullies and talking shit about everyone. I'm worried for our fucking country. That generation is so inconsiderate and emotionally retarded I don't know how they'll ever manage to function as real adults. Most people I know under the age 29 do not know what the fuck to do with their lives. What the fuck? How is that possible. The twins are going to be 21 and the two of them are working bullshit jobs, taking bullshit classes here and there and making shitty ass decisions left and right all while taking zero accountability for any of it! They're girlfriends are so two faced it's sad but it's not their fault, all of them are like this! This is why I want to work with children. To help them before they become impotent adults. I'm not being judgmental, I'm relaying what I observe. (Oh and by the way, the fact that they are incapable of communicating is hilarious to me. This is the generation of "OMG TTYL LMAO" and we wonder why they can't express they're feelings in a articulate mature mannar? They don't even fucking know how to talk to each other over the phone! There's a complete void of interpersonal interaction!)

I wish they could think about someone besides themselves for just a moment. How about instead of tossing emotional poison by calling someone fat or ugly or stupid they instead recognize that all that shit is from their own goddamn insecurities. If anyone ever tries to insult me I laugh in their face. Nothing they say will hurt me, I'm just sad they're so disrespectful and carry so much anger in their hearts. I don't disrespect people. I've gone above and beyond to be honest and open and kind and loving and every other good thing with everyone I encounter even people who are difficult to like because I try to perceive God in everyone. If we're supposed to love God, and God is everything then God is in you and God is in me. So I love you. Even if you're being a cunt. (I'm not really that religious I use it more as a moral guide of the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect no mater who they are.)

Being compassionate is not a weakness it's of my greatest strength. I have the ability to empathize with anyone. But when I'm being disrespected I see red. When people attempt to insult me they go first for my weight. It's catty and mean and it's a trigger of mine considering people were extremely hurtful in the past about my weight. Now that I'm a healthier person it only takes me about a minute or two to calm down. I'm beautiful, desirable and sexy. I went out last night and all this weight got asked for her number a four times (not that I gave it out) and I was in workout clothes with no make up on. I'm educated, ambitious, intelligent, funny, mature, kind, compassionate, dedicated, and the list fucking goes on because I'm so fucking awesome.

I'm not justifying myself to anyone. I just hate when women attack one another. For what? A person who is using both of them because he can't figure out if he's ready to be a man or whatever.

I have no expectations. I live my life day by day because who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I spread love and laughter. I'm not a little girl. I'm actually quite clever so when people communicate what's going on I'm able to understand it better. I'm not competing with anyone. This is my life, not a game show. I'm a woman, not a cast member. I fucking HATE drama. I'm friends with absolutely everyone because I hold no grudges.

I suddenly don't believe in karma. I think we give ourselves what we think we deserve in this life. I deserve more than to be treated poorly, that's why I'm getting my doctrine, losing weight, building my career, getting my own place. Because I and my future family deserve the best. If you've given up on yourself you make decisions like you've given up on yourself. Such as eating until you're 300lbs or not going for that job you're actually qualified for.

"Patience" is usually always a good answer to pretty much any question. It's as if we instinctively know our time on this earth is limited with how impatient we are. We're enabling entire generations of having under developed frontal lobes which lead to poorer decision making skills and zero patience. Everything is instant gratification. You can look up anything that pops up in your head from the palm of your hand 24/7. Before we have time to process anything our fingers are already posting venom on social media. I refuse to continue a cycle of hate but I also will not be disrespected. If people have issues with me it would save a lot of drama and silliness to just directly confront me. I'm a chill, kind, reasonable person.

"When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. When ever, be kind." Cory Booker is the man. Wise words I live by. I would encourage all of humanity to try it.