I had an amazing day. I find myself entertaining. I don't know if that makes me crazy but I am always laughing at the silliness that goes through my head. I have a lot of time to think when I'm working seeing as I drive anywhere from 80 to 150 miles during a shift. It used to kill me because my head used to be full of negative thoughts but now it's full of ideas and dreams and aspirations and questions. It's terrifying but really entertaining for the most part. I love being silly. I love not caring what other people think about me anymore. I love not being afraid of life... Like yeah of course it's scary and unpredictable but I know that nothing is the end of the world. Even the end of the world isn't the end of the world because I'm not afraid anymore.
I control nothing outside of myself. Hell I don't even control anything within myself. The only thing I can control is my perspective by making the best choice with the options I'm given. I was talking before with my mother about all the exciting stuff going on in my mind. I talked to her about my future and how I think I may be crazy.
"It started with Instagram. I was scrolling and an old friend posted a video of her 2 year old counting and singing. Watching it was like getting kicked in the stomach," when I said this my mother sucked her teeth, "just listen. Then I mosey on over to Facebook and another friend threw a ninja turtle themed birthday party for her son, and then I felt a lump in my throat." My mother rolled her eyes at this.
"Ay, Tannie. How many times do I have to tell you..."
"I'm not done. So the way I felt wasn't jealousy or like I needed it to happen right away... It was a feeling of anticipation. More like, 'I want that so bad!!! I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen!' If I want to be an amazing parent then I need to prepare myself so that none of my issues affect my children. I want to be as healthy as possible, I want to have my career in motion, have the ability to have good relationships, have stability and calm in my life. I want to be my best so that I can give my children the absolute best."
As I was talking she looked antsy like she was waiting for her turn to talk. When I had stopped talking for a sufficient amount of time she blurted out, "But where is God? You say you want, you want but where is God?"
"...What the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry... I'm frustrated because you aren't listening. Where is God?! Everywhere! In everyone. He is in you and in me and in everything. Do you even know me? You're so frustrated by the fact that I don't go to church that you're missing the big picture. I treat everyone and everything with understanding, compassion, patience, love and respect..."
"Yes, yes I know, you're a nurse-"
"No! Not just as a nurse. I am this person all the time. This doesn't shut off. I live my life treating everyone with compassion, love, understanding-"
"I know, I know."
"Obviously you don't and I don't care how many times I have to repeat it as long as it eventually sticks in your head and you understand it. I always try my best. I interpret the Bible differently than you but I have the same values and morals as you do-"
"I know you're a good person, I'm not saying you're a bad person."
"Stop! Stop thinking about what you think I mean and listen to my words-pay attention to my actions. You're so busy trying to make a point you're missing the big picture and at the end of the day the big picture is all that matters. I do more good that most people who go to church every Sunday... So please, spare me from trying to convince me how terrible it is that I don't go to church. I am grateful every minute of every day. I don't need to block out an hour to listen to some idiot tell me what he thinks my God has to say to me. I know my mission in life."
She stayed quiet. I teased her about something to let her know I wasn't upset, she joked back. As I left my mother gave me a kiss and a big hug. 20 minutes later she called and said she wanted me to know she thought I was completely right. "Getting frustrated because you don't go to church is silly. People go to church to figure out how to live the way that you already do. I'm sorry I wasn't listening and didn't let you talk." With patience and kindness people can learn. You can teach an old dog new tricks, it just may take a little longer for him to do it.
I was talking to Eddie about my (nonexistent) love life before (today was full of a lot of revelations and deep talks). I love talking to Eddie. He's an amazing listener, funny and he is extremely open to my ideas. He encourages me and makes me feel important. I wish he and my brother would adopt a baby. They would be amazing parents. So he asked how things were going with the man and I told him that things are going great which is the truth. I explained to Eddie that I'm so happy to be friends with Derek. I love him very much. After everything we've been through I feel like it proves we really enjoy each other as people, the fact that we can just joke around and be friends. I'm glad he enjoys me as a person. That makes me feel good because I genuinely like him as well.
Eddie confided in me that he worried we were moving too fast and that I was trying to "fix" him so that I could be in a relationship again. A different Tania would have been offended but I just told Eddie that Derek's a person not a bench. And "fixing" him for selfish reasons is kinda shitty, lol.
"I hope I can always remain friends with him. I've been so motivated and have grown so much in the last month because I love him and want him in my life."
"But you should be doing that for you."
"I am doing it for me. I want him to be part of my life. I love him very much and I love our families and I hold that in my mind at all moments. All the people I hurt were all the people I loved. If I want him in my life I have to be my absolute best because I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I don't care if he marries someone else. It will hurt, but I'm not fucking ugly or stupid. I'll find someone to take care of this," he obviously chuckled, "...but I honestly see all he has to offer. I know who he really is. He's silly, kind, loving and good. He loves helping people. I want to be his best friend. I want to see him happy and succeed in life because I care about him a lot."
I truly am just a fan of life lately. I've made some true breakthroughs in the last few days. Life is full of endless possibilities. I'm excited to see where mine takes me.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
What Do I Deserve?
I've spent my day reflecting upon my life and being introspective. I woke up with crippling anxiety because life is doing it's own thing and I have trouble riding out waves without feeling like panicking. I prayed this morning and meditated then took my pup outside and sat and wrote in my journal until it all made sense.
I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.
I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.
I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.
Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.
In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.
What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.
I become frazzled and stressed out and confused because I am working so hard to be my best, for myself first and then to benefit those I love. I don't get it right all the time, no one does, but I am trying constantly. I no longer feel things in extremes, and if I do it's momentary and I can hold it in long enough to process it on my own. I realize I am much stronger than most. No one came up to me and said, "Here's the path for help. We're gonna be by your side as you go through this journey." No. Anthony and I had just broken up and were not friends yet so I couldn't rely on him for help. My friends were reminders of everything that was hurting me and they didn't have the patience or stomach to sit around and witness my downfall. It's a lot to ask someone you love to watch you hit rock bottom but not intervene in anyway. It wasn't until I realized that by hurting myself I was hurting the people who loved me that convinced me to change.
I'm a nurse. I am compassionate and loving and all that shit and knowing that my actions were hurting others, that I was pushing them away because they couldn't watch me self destruct any longer... That's what ignited the flame. At that time I didn't have enough love for myself to feel motivated enough to make that first step but I love everyone else so very much that for them I would try. It was the best decision I have ever made. Life isn't easy and frankly being so self aware all the time, when no one else is, can be exhausting.
I am so willing to love others and show them all the goodness they deserve in their lives but I can lose myself in it. I go into superhero mode where I want to heal wounds and lift people up. Today I realized there are 3 types of people in my life. Those who reject my love because they are too hurt to accept it; those who take advantage of my love because they are so hurt and in much need of it and the very small (almost nonexistent) group of people who are just open and understanding and loving. I'm hoping that by leading by example that small nonexistent group will get bigger but I'm no longer holding my breath or making it a priority.
I am the priority. People who are bent on self destructing are going to do it. I know, I lived it... multiple times. I'm not ashamed of anything in my life. People may think I share too much about myself by putting it out there that i've been raped and beaten up and attempted suicide. How can I help others overcome depression if I don't share my story? There's no reason I should be a pediatric nurse with a good job, in graduate school with a smile on my face most the time. It would have been so much easier just to give up and coast through life on the coattails of my parents, allowing them to take care of me and giving up on the real world because it is dark and scary and mean and cold. It would be so much easier being bitter and angry and not letting anyone near me from all the pain and betrayal I've had to endure.
Happiness isn't easy. Goodness isn't easy. They are choices. In every single decision we make each day we are choosing happiness or despair. If being a good, loving person were easy then everyone would be doing it. No, being good is hard, being happy is hard because life is difficult and unjust. It is difficult to wake up knowing that someone you love can't accept your love then making the difficult CHOICE to get out of bed and continue living your life happily. Loving and accepting people as they are is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I choose to do it. Looking at people who hurt me and seeing their faults and saying, "I forgive you and will be respectful because you are a person and you deserve love and respect" is not easy. But I love everyone and I understand everyone and I show everyone compassion. So I keep going on my way a little sadder but nothing that won't go away with time and nurturing.
In a cold, dark world I want the warmth and glow of my love to fill up a room. In a world which is scary and mean I want people around me to know there is nothing to fear because you are strong enough to handle anything; no ones actions need affect you negatively because they are expressing their internal turmoil. Their actions need not make you angry instead allow it to inspire compassion and understanding in your heart.
People can't create things without putting a bit of themselves into it. That's why machines do everything now because humans are imperfect. I love imperfections. It is in the imperfections that I know it's real. If there is a higher being and it created everyone and everything then the Creator had to put himself into everything. We are all gods and goddesses. We should honor one another the way we honor our gods.
What do I deserve?
I deserve exactly what I give out to others. For example if I disrespect a woman by intruding on her relationship with a man I should then expect that woman to do the same to me. If I am hurtful to others I should expect to be hurt in return. Since I don't want to be hurt or disrespected I will need to break the cycle. If I treat individuals with love, acceptance, respect, honesty and kindness that is the way I deserve to be treated in return. Will I get it? No, but I will continue being respectful and kind no matter what because everyone deserves kindness and respect. I can only hope I become a trendsetter. If it doesn't catch on it doesn't really matter because I'm still happy.
Happiness is not a destination, its a way of traveling.
Happiness doesn't fall in your lap one day. Happiness isn't found in money nor in people; happiness is choice which is made on a moment to moment basis.
Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."
Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.
Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.
If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.
Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.
I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.
For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...
Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.
I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.
This is my favorite monologue.
Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?
Pamela: You wanna tell me?
Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.
Pamela: You wanna tell me.
Louis: Yes. Please.
Pamela: Go ahead…
Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.
Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.
Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.
Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!
Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.
Pamela: Louie…
Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.
.................................
Am I happy? I've been happier. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I think it just came to an end. I can teach people things until I'm blue in the face- people aren't going to learn until they aren't ready. I can love an endless amount but people aren't going to feel it unless they trust and accept me. I have no tears, no sorrow. I gave myself fully and I will continue to but I'm done talking. "It's annoying."
Happiness is a choice. If someone comes up to you and says, "I can show you the path to being happy, I can show you a path which is full of love and understanding and support and I love you so much I'm willing on being by your side through that journey," and your response is, "Nah. I haven't hit rock bottom yet." Well... You've made your choice and happiness wasn't it.
Maybe I'm not meant to be romantically loved. Maybe I'm only meant to give love to others. I've had a pretty shitty track record thus far. This is me telling the universe it wins. I can't force anyone to love me so I'm going to stop trying.
If I want to make a difference in people's lives like I say I do... well that's a lonely fucking road. People think you're stupid and crazy until one day everything you say makes sense. I know how I feel. I don't expect all the love I have to offer to be met, but fuck... That would be nice. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. Or maybe it's as I feel where I have met him and he doesn't want to accept it. It doesn't matter. I love and accept people as they are. If anyone is ever going to love me back they'll have to do the same. That's how love works. "Worts and all" so they say.
Goddamn. I feel like a fucking main character of a sitcom. I am JD from scrubs, Ted from How I Met Your Mother, Louis C.K. on Louie. I'm the guy who fucking never gets the girl because I'm too quirky and optimistic. Everyone hates seeing those guys succeed. And if/when they do finally get the girl you feel annoyed and disappointed because it took them so fucking long and it only happened because the writers ran out of other story lines.
I am those characters because I hold myself to a make-believe standard. A standard which can only be thought up for hollywood characters we love to see hurt.
For me love doesn't wash away. Not the type of love I carry for him. I will love him always and always be there for him until he doesn't want me anymore. But I'm done talking because he doesn't want to hear it. I don't expect to be with anyone. I'm tired of getting hurt unnecessarily. I didn't believe it was an inevitability ending up with him, that would be arrogant. But I thought the playing field was leveled considering the pain we put each other through and the fact that he said all that would stay in the past.
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best...
Maybe I should just run away to Philly and leave this shithole of pain and despair known as Central Jersey... I really just wanted to love him... and I will continue to but I'm done talking. I won't beg. I'm here. He knows that. He doesn't want me. The end. I can only hope my friendship will be welcomed and that one day someone else will love him like I do except they won't have a past to be compared to.
I have nothing to prove to anyone. I deserve more than to be someone's doubt. I know who I am. I know how I feel. I will continue to live my life with love and kindness because I already paid for my sins. I live my life sincerely. Just gonna continue doing that. My feelings haven't changed but I can read social cues and right now I'm being told to shut the fuck up. So I will.
This is my favorite monologue.
Louie: I want to be your friend, and it’s okay to me that there’s nothing else. But can I just, can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?
Pamela: You wanna tell me?
Louie: Yes. And I’ll be your friend, and I won’t press to be anything else if you’ll just let me get it out one time.
Pamela: You wanna tell me.
Louis: Yes. Please.
Pamela: Go ahead…
Louie: Pamela- I’m in love with you.
Pamela: (Head in hands), Oh God.
Louie: Yeah. It’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me.
Pamela: (Hand over ears), Oy, eww!
Louie: Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m gonna live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you…which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else.
Pamela: Louie…
Louie: I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy.
.................................
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
All Things Grow with Love
I'm having a rough day. I have to call my dr and make an appt because I've been feeling extra drained and emotional and it probably has to do with the fact that my period decided to chill with me 3 different times in the last month including currently. Its stupid though because they'll probably just relate it to stress. I got plenty of that shit.
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.
What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.
And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.
I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.
To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
the end.
I love my dog. He can tell when I'm feeling terrible. Today he stayed in bed with me most of the day cuddling and napping. He can be really sweet. I don't even feel sorry for myself or anything. Somedays my depression just wins. Medication helps but I'm sure feeling like I only have a liter of blood left in me has something to do with it.
Also I was kinda excited having a best friend back but a wall has been created. There's a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls stop communication, no one can hurt you but what people don't realize is that they are hurting themselves. Humans are social beings, we thrive with love and trust. From the very beginning as infants we are testing how reliable the world around us is. I've done research on the matter. They say if an infants needs aren't getting met eventually the infant will stop letting people know it needs things. For example, babies cry when they're hungry. If a baby cried and cried and cried and cried and no one ever came with a bottle eventually he's not going to cry anymore because his brain has been rewired to believe "I may as well conserve the calories I waste in crying because no one is there and no one is coming." It's why I want to work in childhood development and parenting so much. It's so important and it starts the second an infant is born.
I'm sad because I miss my friend but I understand. Sometimes loving someone is proving to them that you aren't going to be pushed away. And not by yelling at them and saying, "Hey stop being stupid" or "Fine, if you don't want me in your life you fucking win." No... it's the last option, it's at the end of every ignored day saying, "I'm still here and I still love you," and starting the next day with, "I'm still here and I still love you." It may annoy them... I dunno I'm figuring this out as I go, lol.
Of course I'm sad. I'm sad because I'm Tania and I want to be a superhero and heal everyone's pain. I'm sad because I want to comfort someone who hasn't trusted/accepted a sincere embrace in a long time; someone who has lost trust in the world. I'm sad because I realize how impatient I actually am. I hold myself to such a high standard. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I truly want to change the world and make a difference. It's really cheesy but if I want to do that I have to be PATIENT. Even if I do end up changing the world I'll probably die far before I ever know it. I'm okay with that.
What do you want out of your life?
I want to enjoy my youth with someone I love. I want to learn and grow and keep learning and keep growing. I want to marry a man who will be a good father and raise a healthy, super cool, fun family with him. I want to help my children grow into amazing adults and love them always and give them more than what I was given. When they are old enough and they no longer need a full time mom then I will spend my late adulthood being an activist for children. I want to write books and revolutionize parenting and childhood development after I have decades of experience being a mom and specialist. I want to enjoy my husband for as long as we're young and beautiful and fit enough to enjoy one another. I want to be his rock. I want to prove that marriages can work if you are a healthy human being. I want to run my life like an experiment so when I sit down and try to create real action in the world I can say, "Bitch I'm living proof."(just got an image of a 55 year old me saying that to a crowd of people... I'm so silly). I can imagine myself in my backyard with two of my grandchildren, sipping lemonade and painting pictures on the patio. I want share my secrets with them and be able to tell them, "I've wanted to be your best friends since I was 25 years old and you lived only in my imagination." And they're going to say, "Grandma, you're crazy." To which I shall respond, "bitch, i might be." lol.
And like that I successfully cheered myself up.
In the grand scheme of things love is all that matters. If I am fortunate enough to have a choice I want to die old and warm and happy surrounded by people I love and look back at my life and die with a smile because I know I truly did my best.
I will get through this funk. I always do. I'm a fucking warrior, lol. If there is no God, if no magic man in the sky is really helping me out and I am doing all the growth and change and good on my own... Then I'm going to be okay. I'm fucking tough. I make shit happen. If I find faith in nothing else I should know I can have faith in myself and the fact that when I want something I put in the work to make it happen. I am dedicated and strong and intelligent. Everything is going to be okay.
To whoever reads this thing know that I love you. No matter who you are. I love you because you are a person and deserve love and respect. It doesn't mean I'm going to be everyone's best friend but I will treat everyone with dignity and love. Okay, my hippy dippy love shit is making me gag.
the end.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Four Fathers
This Father’s day was simple but magical. I spent the day
with my brothers, mom, dad and Eddie. It was completely uneventful but the best
father’s day we’ve ever had. As I was sitting on my porch enjoying the summer night air with Linus, I began looking back at my childhood.
My father was my first love. Most people dislike my dad
because he’s a grumpy old man, lol, but I know a side of my father that is so
gentle, loving and kind that I wish the rest of the world could see. My father
has taught to be compassionate and empathetic from years of practice being that way with him. Because of him I know that even
the scariest and stony of men are capable of love and kindness. My father’s love
for me is an endless ocean. He respects my opinions and ideas even when he
doesn’t agree.
The dinner table this evening was electric with nostalgia.
My brothers and I took turns teasing one another (Danny always being our fallback,
of course). Jr mimed his death behind Danny’s back as Danny told the longest
story of my life. Rudy was eating healthy in a muscle shirt, cracking wiseass
remarks. I felt like a kid around the dinner table again, spending a day with
the men I loved first.
My brothers are 12 and 13 years older than me. Growing up I had 4 dads.
Danny will be an amazing father one day, he already is.
Danny has always been there for me and taught me what healthy parenting is.
Danny never hit me or disrespected me; he was always kind and always knew who
my friends were and their parents and their numbers and addresses and zodiac
signs, etc. Danny was naturally an amazing and involved parent. Danny got me
ready for school, fed me, and helped me with homework. He spoiled me and always
let me know how much he loved me. Danny taught me trust; he kept all my secrets
and didn’t judge me. I’m able to tell Danny anything and I know he will give me
at least 3 suggestions on how to handle the situation. He loves me
unconditionally.
Rudy’s always been the family’s douchy beefcake, lol. He always
treated me as his equal, when I was 5 he talked to me like I was a person, not
a baby. He’d have real conversations with me and would give me
responsibilities. The fact that he trusted me gave me confidence in my own
abilities. He always built up my confidence and showed me the utmost respect.
Rudy always made me feel intelligent and beautiful.
Jr was my best friend and ensured I enjoyed my childhood. Jr
taught me how to ride a bike, he played with me, teased me and gave me wedgies
and wet willies. He protected my childhood and innocence and encouraged me to
dream and then dream bigger and then pursue those dreams. He believed in me and
taught me how to believe in myself. He taught me art, music and culture. Jr taught
me being different was way cooler than trying to mold myself into what others
wanted me to be. Through Jr I learned to be myself, value creativity and be
supportive.
I want to note that not one of these four men is my
biological father but they all took part in raising me and helping me become
the woman I am today. Any success I have was a collaborate effort of my whole family. I value each and
every one of them for the best parts of me came from them. My family is flawed and unhealthy but I love the person I am today and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I love my life, it's been interesting. I love my family... we're definitely a psychiatrist's wet dream.
Stop being such a b...
RANT!!!!
Holy shit! Girls can be so fucking mean, especially these little girls growing up now. These little c words go around swearing they're the sexiest things alive and being bullies and talking shit about everyone. I'm worried for our fucking country. That generation is so inconsiderate and emotionally retarded I don't know how they'll ever manage to function as real adults. Most people I know under the age 29 do not know what the fuck to do with their lives. What the fuck? How is that possible. The twins are going to be 21 and the two of them are working bullshit jobs, taking bullshit classes here and there and making shitty ass decisions left and right all while taking zero accountability for any of it! They're girlfriends are so two faced it's sad but it's not their fault, all of them are like this! This is why I want to work with children. To help them before they become impotent adults. I'm not being judgmental, I'm relaying what I observe. (Oh and by the way, the fact that they are incapable of communicating is hilarious to me. This is the generation of "OMG TTYL LMAO" and we wonder why they can't express they're feelings in a articulate mature mannar? They don't even fucking know how to talk to each other over the phone! There's a complete void of interpersonal interaction!)
I wish they could think about someone besides themselves for just a moment. How about instead of tossing emotional poison by calling someone fat or ugly or stupid they instead recognize that all that shit is from their own goddamn insecurities. If anyone ever tries to insult me I laugh in their face. Nothing they say will hurt me, I'm just sad they're so disrespectful and carry so much anger in their hearts. I don't disrespect people. I've gone above and beyond to be honest and open and kind and loving and every other good thing with everyone I encounter even people who are difficult to like because I try to perceive God in everyone. If we're supposed to love God, and God is everything then God is in you and God is in me. So I love you. Even if you're being a cunt. (I'm not really that religious I use it more as a moral guide of the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect no mater who they are.)
Being compassionate is not a weakness it's of my greatest strength. I have the ability to empathize with anyone. But when I'm being disrespected I see red. When people attempt to insult me they go first for my weight. It's catty and mean and it's a trigger of mine considering people were extremely hurtful in the past about my weight. Now that I'm a healthier person it only takes me about a minute or two to calm down. I'm beautiful, desirable and sexy. I went out last night and all this weight got asked for her number a four times (not that I gave it out) and I was in workout clothes with no make up on. I'm educated, ambitious, intelligent, funny, mature, kind, compassionate, dedicated, and the list fucking goes on because I'm so fucking awesome.
I'm not justifying myself to anyone. I just hate when women attack one another. For what? A person who is using both of them because he can't figure out if he's ready to be a man or whatever.
I have no expectations. I live my life day by day because who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I spread love and laughter. I'm not a little girl. I'm actually quite clever so when people communicate what's going on I'm able to understand it better. I'm not competing with anyone. This is my life, not a game show. I'm a woman, not a cast member. I fucking HATE drama. I'm friends with absolutely everyone because I hold no grudges.
I suddenly don't believe in karma. I think we give ourselves what we think we deserve in this life. I deserve more than to be treated poorly, that's why I'm getting my doctrine, losing weight, building my career, getting my own place. Because I and my future family deserve the best. If you've given up on yourself you make decisions like you've given up on yourself. Such as eating until you're 300lbs or not going for that job you're actually qualified for.
"Patience" is usually always a good answer to pretty much any question. It's as if we instinctively know our time on this earth is limited with how impatient we are. We're enabling entire generations of having under developed frontal lobes which lead to poorer decision making skills and zero patience. Everything is instant gratification. You can look up anything that pops up in your head from the palm of your hand 24/7. Before we have time to process anything our fingers are already posting venom on social media. I refuse to continue a cycle of hate but I also will not be disrespected. If people have issues with me it would save a lot of drama and silliness to just directly confront me. I'm a chill, kind, reasonable person.
"When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. When ever, be kind." Cory Booker is the man. Wise words I live by. I would encourage all of humanity to try it.
Holy shit! Girls can be so fucking mean, especially these little girls growing up now. These little c words go around swearing they're the sexiest things alive and being bullies and talking shit about everyone. I'm worried for our fucking country. That generation is so inconsiderate and emotionally retarded I don't know how they'll ever manage to function as real adults. Most people I know under the age 29 do not know what the fuck to do with their lives. What the fuck? How is that possible. The twins are going to be 21 and the two of them are working bullshit jobs, taking bullshit classes here and there and making shitty ass decisions left and right all while taking zero accountability for any of it! They're girlfriends are so two faced it's sad but it's not their fault, all of them are like this! This is why I want to work with children. To help them before they become impotent adults. I'm not being judgmental, I'm relaying what I observe. (Oh and by the way, the fact that they are incapable of communicating is hilarious to me. This is the generation of "OMG TTYL LMAO" and we wonder why they can't express they're feelings in a articulate mature mannar? They don't even fucking know how to talk to each other over the phone! There's a complete void of interpersonal interaction!)
I wish they could think about someone besides themselves for just a moment. How about instead of tossing emotional poison by calling someone fat or ugly or stupid they instead recognize that all that shit is from their own goddamn insecurities. If anyone ever tries to insult me I laugh in their face. Nothing they say will hurt me, I'm just sad they're so disrespectful and carry so much anger in their hearts. I don't disrespect people. I've gone above and beyond to be honest and open and kind and loving and every other good thing with everyone I encounter even people who are difficult to like because I try to perceive God in everyone. If we're supposed to love God, and God is everything then God is in you and God is in me. So I love you. Even if you're being a cunt. (I'm not really that religious I use it more as a moral guide of the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect no mater who they are.)
Being compassionate is not a weakness it's of my greatest strength. I have the ability to empathize with anyone. But when I'm being disrespected I see red. When people attempt to insult me they go first for my weight. It's catty and mean and it's a trigger of mine considering people were extremely hurtful in the past about my weight. Now that I'm a healthier person it only takes me about a minute or two to calm down. I'm beautiful, desirable and sexy. I went out last night and all this weight got asked for her number a four times (not that I gave it out) and I was in workout clothes with no make up on. I'm educated, ambitious, intelligent, funny, mature, kind, compassionate, dedicated, and the list fucking goes on because I'm so fucking awesome.
I'm not justifying myself to anyone. I just hate when women attack one another. For what? A person who is using both of them because he can't figure out if he's ready to be a man or whatever.
I have no expectations. I live my life day by day because who knows if I'll be here tomorrow. I spread love and laughter. I'm not a little girl. I'm actually quite clever so when people communicate what's going on I'm able to understand it better. I'm not competing with anyone. This is my life, not a game show. I'm a woman, not a cast member. I fucking HATE drama. I'm friends with absolutely everyone because I hold no grudges.
I suddenly don't believe in karma. I think we give ourselves what we think we deserve in this life. I deserve more than to be treated poorly, that's why I'm getting my doctrine, losing weight, building my career, getting my own place. Because I and my future family deserve the best. If you've given up on yourself you make decisions like you've given up on yourself. Such as eating until you're 300lbs or not going for that job you're actually qualified for.
"Patience" is usually always a good answer to pretty much any question. It's as if we instinctively know our time on this earth is limited with how impatient we are. We're enabling entire generations of having under developed frontal lobes which lead to poorer decision making skills and zero patience. Everything is instant gratification. You can look up anything that pops up in your head from the palm of your hand 24/7. Before we have time to process anything our fingers are already posting venom on social media. I refuse to continue a cycle of hate but I also will not be disrespected. If people have issues with me it would save a lot of drama and silliness to just directly confront me. I'm a chill, kind, reasonable person.
"When happy, be kind. When angry, be kind. When hopeful, be kind. When discouraged, be kind. When ever, be kind." Cory Booker is the man. Wise words I live by. I would encourage all of humanity to try it.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
The Secret is Love and Support
I'm a healthy individual, far from perfect but healthy. I've learned not to take anything personally. Even my thoughts don't really matter unless I want to listen to them- I don't need to believe every single thing that pops into my head. I live my life being kind and loving (especially to myself) because letting people know they are loved makes me happy.
Sometimes people question my motives or reject my niceties which is completely within their right. But I'm not a doormat, if I'm being treated a way I don't appreciate I will say something, always keeping kindness and respect in the forefront of my mind. I read this book which says to imagine everyone as a mirror. Treat them with the same love and respect you treat yourself. When others are unkind it makes me sad. Not because they're being rude to me, as a nurse plenty of people are ungrateful and rude, it makes me sad because I'm very familiar with that internal turmoil that lashes out at unexpected moments. But it's easy to forget who I used to be.
Earlier, I said something inconsiderate to someone I care about. I said something like, "Wouldn't it be easier just to communicate how you're feeling?" Their response was an incredulous, "No." It isn't easier because that's not what they are used to, perhaps they don't even know how. I feel like a jerk for being inadvertently inconsiderate. Ask someone who recently lost 100lbs what they did and they say something like, "Easy! I just lowered my calorie intake and exercised more!" Yeah, duh. Everything is easier said than done. It took me 6 months of hard work to get to the point I am today. Before that my emotions completely ruled my life. I couldn't get out of bed some days I was so depressed. I could be snippy, nasty, moody. It's easy to forget how not that long ago I didn't know how to communicate how I felt either. Asking someone else, who is used to keeping everything in, to express everything their feeling is overwhelming. Getting healthy is hard. Time and time again I felt like I was doing it wrong, as if I would never get it right. It took lots of patience and practice.
When I was assaulted in November I became so hostile with my friends. Two of them were with me that night but they were so into one another it didn't cross their minds to question when they saw their friend enter my room and close the door behind himself. I didn't blame them, I still don't. I thought Danny was a super chill, nice kid. He was quiet, polite, funny. I honestly and wholeheartedly wouldn't have questioned it either because I really thought he was my friend. However, logic only took me so far; I still felt resentful. I started being hurtful and eventually stopped talking to my friends. Not because I didn't love them anymore but because I couldn't handle it. They were a reminder of that night and watching them continuing their lives happily was way more than I could handle. After I pushed all my friends away with my impossible depression, anxiety and PTSD I was all like, "Wah, everyone abandoned me." No bitch, you pushed them away with your erratic, hostile behavior.
"You don't know how I feel!" became the my anthem. It is true, they did not. But I'm sure they would have been willing to listen to it even if they couldn't do anything for me. I would have given anything to make anyone take away my pain but what I realized is that's no one's job but my own. My family became my life raft; their love and support kept me afloat. A week after it happened I was having such terrible panic attacks I could barely leave the house. Sitting outside the gynecologists office alone before I was to be tested is when I finally broke down. I called my brother Danny. In between sobs I told him what happened. I told him I couldn't function anymore, I told him I was scared and sad and I felt like I was rotting from the inside. He cried with me. I asked him to keep it a secret. He promised.
Later that day or possibly the next I had to take my mother to get an MRI. On the drive home she was staring at me as I drove.
"Something's wrong," she said.
"I dunno," I responded my heart beating so hard I felt my shirt moving. She kept telling me to tell her what was wrong but it became nearly impossible to speak. "Leave it alone."
She became quiet for about 30 seconds, I could tell she was concentrating hard, then asked quietly, "Did someone hurt you?"
I let out a sigh of resignation. I nodded.
"Did they hit you?"
I shook my head, rolling my eyes and giving unnecessary attitude.
"Did someone take advantage of you? Were you raped?" she whispered, the dread palpable.
"If I answer will you promise to stop asking stupid questions and driving me crazy?!"
"Okay. Yes."
"Yes, I was raped."
"By who?"
"You JUST promised not to ask anymore fucking questions."
We drove in silence for a few minutes. My mother grabbed my hand and said she was sorry that happened to me. She confided in me a time someone tried to force sex on her. "It happens to a lot of girls. You are good and beautiful and kind. People take advantage of that. You are also strong and brave and intelligent. I promise you we'll get through this." We cried and I apologized for being nasty, I didn't mean to be. I now know I was afraid of what her reaction was going to be so I was using anger as a barrier.
When my dad found out I thought he was going to yell at me, disown me, call me a slut. Instead he held me tight and said, "It's gonna be okay."
I was so taken aback I blurted out, "You don't find me disgusting?" My dad's face hardened with rage.
"Never think that! Never! That pig, that animal- he's disgusting! The world is full of snakes just like him. Don't let him take anything away from you. You were Tania before you are Tania right now. Nothing is different."
With the help of my whole family I was able to get through one of the most difficult things which has happened to me. Alec would let me cry on his lap as he played with my hair. He tried to make me laugh by acting out a play by play of how he would "wreck that dude" if I gave him the Okay. He motivated me to work out and taught me self defense. "No dude has the right to put their hand on you, not for sex or to hurt you or at all, if you don't say it's okay. This is a pattern now, Tania. Stop being a fucking idiot and letting people hurt you! Now... try to punch me in the face."
Getting to where I am today was hard. I put in the hard work, I got myself the therapy and medication I needed, I helped myself. But having the love and support of the people I loved is what motivated me to be better. The morning before I told my family, I was in the shower. As I closed my eyes and allowed the water to cascade down my face, a vision popped into my head. It was a nice summer day- I was with friends, laughing and all of a sudden I grabbed a bottle of Patron, poured it over my head and lit a match. That vision will always stay with me. It terrified me but instead of listening to my negative thoughts I reached out and asked the people I loved for help and they were there for me.
I understand and value the importance of a good support system. Having Derek and his family's support during nursing school motivated me to get straight As and try my best. Having my family's love and support after November is what got me through these last few months. Listening to people's encouragement and allowing myself to really bathe in their love helped me find the strength to get back up and keep moving. It's not about depending on people. No one besides myself fixed my problems but being around people who loved me made facing and eventually overcoming the pain a lot less scary.
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