The Secret is Love and Support

I'm a healthy individual, far from perfect but healthy. I've learned not to take anything personally. Even my thoughts don't really matter unless I want to listen to them- I don't need to believe every single thing that pops into my head. I live my life being kind and loving (especially to myself) because letting people know they are loved makes me happy. 

Sometimes people question my motives or reject my niceties which is completely within their right. But I'm not a doormat, if I'm being treated a way I don't appreciate I will say something, always keeping kindness and respect in the forefront of my mind. I read this book which says to imagine everyone as a mirror. Treat them with the same love and respect you treat yourself. When others are unkind it makes me sad. Not because they're being rude to me, as a nurse plenty of people are ungrateful and rude, it makes me sad because I'm very familiar with that internal turmoil that lashes out at unexpected moments. But it's easy to forget who I used to be. 

Earlier, I said something inconsiderate to someone I care about. I said something like, "Wouldn't it be easier just to communicate how you're feeling?" Their response was an incredulous, "No." It isn't easier because that's not what they are used to, perhaps they don't even know how. I feel like a jerk for being inadvertently inconsiderate. Ask someone who recently lost 100lbs what they did and they say something like, "Easy! I just lowered my calorie intake and exercised more!" Yeah, duh. Everything is easier said than done. It took me 6 months of hard work to get to the point I am today. Before that my emotions completely ruled my life. I couldn't get out of bed some days I was so depressed. I could be snippy, nasty, moody. It's easy to forget how not that long ago I didn't know how to communicate how I felt either. Asking someone else, who is used to keeping everything in, to express everything their feeling is overwhelming. Getting healthy is hard. Time and time again I felt like I was doing it wrong, as if I would never get it right. It took lots of patience and practice.

When I was assaulted in November I became so hostile with my friends. Two of them were with me that night but they were so into one another it didn't cross their minds to question when they saw their friend enter my room and close the door behind himself. I didn't blame them, I still don't. I thought Danny was a super chill, nice kid. He was quiet, polite, funny. I honestly and wholeheartedly wouldn't have questioned it either because I really thought he was my friend. However, logic only took me so far; I still felt resentful. I started being hurtful and eventually stopped talking to my friends. Not because I didn't love them anymore but because I couldn't handle it. They were a reminder of that night and watching them continuing their lives happily was way more than I could handle. After I pushed all my friends away with my impossible depression, anxiety and PTSD I was all like, "Wah, everyone abandoned me." No bitch, you pushed them away with your erratic, hostile behavior. 

"You don't know how I feel!" became the my anthem. It is true, they did not. But I'm sure they would have been willing to listen to it even if they couldn't do anything for me. I would have given anything to make anyone take away my pain but what I realized is that's no one's job but my own. My family became my life raft; their love and support kept me afloat. A week after it happened I was having such terrible panic attacks I could barely leave the house. Sitting outside the gynecologists office alone before I was to be tested is when I finally broke down. I called my brother Danny. In between sobs I told him what happened. I told him I couldn't function anymore, I told him I was scared and sad and I felt like I was rotting from the inside. He cried with me. I asked him to keep it a secret. He promised. 

Later that day or possibly the next I had to take my mother to get an MRI. On the drive home she was staring at me as I drove. 

"Something's wrong," she said. 

"I dunno," I responded my heart beating so hard I felt my shirt moving. She kept telling me to tell her what was wrong but it became nearly impossible to speak. "Leave it alone." 

She became quiet for about 30 seconds, I could tell she was concentrating hard, then asked quietly, "Did someone hurt you?" 

I let out a sigh of resignation. I nodded. 

"Did they hit you?" 

I shook my head, rolling my eyes and giving unnecessary attitude. 

"Did someone take advantage of you? Were you raped?" she whispered, the dread palpable.       

"If I answer will you promise to stop asking stupid questions and driving me crazy?!" 

"Okay. Yes."

"Yes, I was raped."

"By who?"

"You JUST promised not to ask anymore fucking questions."

We drove in silence for a few minutes. My mother grabbed my hand and said she was sorry that happened to me. She confided in me a time someone tried to force sex on her. "It happens to a lot of girls. You are good and beautiful and kind. People take advantage of that. You are also strong and brave and intelligent. I promise you we'll get through this." We cried and I apologized for being nasty, I didn't mean to be. I now know I was afraid of what her reaction was going to be so I was using anger as a barrier.

When my dad found out I thought he was going to yell at me, disown me, call me a slut. Instead he held me tight and said, "It's gonna be okay." 

I was so taken aback I blurted out, "You don't find me disgusting?" My dad's face hardened with rage.

"Never think that! Never! That pig, that animal- he's disgusting! The world is full of snakes just like him. Don't let him take anything away from you. You were Tania before you are Tania right now. Nothing is different."

With the help of my whole family I was able to get through one of the most difficult things which has happened to me. Alec would let me cry on his lap as he played with my hair. He tried to make me laugh by acting out a play by play of how he would "wreck that dude" if I gave him the Okay. He motivated me to work out and taught me self defense. "No dude has the right to put their hand on you, not for sex or to hurt you or at all, if you don't say it's okay. This is a pattern now, Tania. Stop being a fucking idiot and letting people hurt you! Now... try to punch me in the face." 

Getting to where I am today was hard. I put in the hard work, I got myself the therapy and medication I needed, I helped myself. But having the love and support of the people I loved is what motivated me to be better. The morning before I told my family, I was in the shower. As I closed my eyes and allowed the water to cascade down my face, a vision popped into my head. It was a nice summer day- I was with friends, laughing and all of a sudden I grabbed a bottle of Patron, poured it over my head and lit a match. That vision will always stay with me. It terrified me but instead of listening to my negative thoughts I reached out and asked the people I loved for help and they were there for me. 

I understand and value the importance of a good support system. Having Derek and his family's support during nursing school motivated me to get straight As and try my best. Having my family's love and support after November is what got me through these last few months. Listening to people's encouragement and allowing myself to really bathe in their love helped me find the strength to get back up and keep moving. It's not about depending on people. No one besides myself fixed my problems but being around people who loved me made facing and eventually overcoming the pain a lot less scary.       

"Life's a happy song, when there's someone by your side to sing along"

6/12/13
So things have been... Stressful. Apartment shopping is as fun as... I can't think of a frustrating enough analogy because my head hurts from the massive tension headache I'm currently sporting. It blows. Sweet baby Jesus, please give me the patience to find the most adorable apartment at a reasonable price in this area. Pretty please.

The thought crosses my mind about how many people are judging me right now. My boo was a bit of a heartbreaker this last year, from what I understand, haha. I oddly like it. Don't get me wrong there's this little toddler voice of indignation who screams, "MINE!!!" if I think about other girls desiring him but the irrationality of the thought makes me smile. I like being each other's first loves but the fact that we lived entire lives (3ish years) without each other and then came back into one another's lives is fascinating. I'm not proud that he and I have broken hearts along our journey (not a humble brag, just the truth), I actually feel bad about it, but taking everyone's feelings out of context it's a little bit amusing. I'm sure I'm being judged on my appearance, my weight, my past, my ethnicity, you name it. I don't really care- haters are gonna hate. What's important is that he and I care for each other. No one's hate can take that away, believe me, it's been attempted.   

I can confidently say Derek is who I want. When I was 21 I knew he was who I wanted but he was also a bully- moody, rude, hurtful- and I couldn't handle being mistreated anymore from anyone. I bottled it in until I finally broke his heart back. We needed to go our separate ways to grow and learn how to treat each other better. It's funny... talking about it we've said how extreme in different directions we went. I became this sweet, flowery, compassionate, wannabe superhero trying to save the world one heart at a time. He become a zen, somewhat apathetic loner who cares about his own happiness and sanity first and foremost. I don't think either is bad, just extreme. I'm hoping we bring all of ourselves to the table, and piece together a happy balance from learning from the other. I love having my own personality and I love his personality as well. We both have strengths and weaknesses. I'm just hoping to strengthen my weaknesses by following his example and vice versa. In a perfect world...

Last night I realized how much stock I've been taking in trying to make EVERYONE happy. Really all I want to do is focus on making him and myself happy. It's not my job to convince people I'm making the right decision, I just have to feel comfortable in my own decision.  

I was talking to a friend about my concerns with the rate things are moving. Her response, "The beginning of most relationships are allotted for getting to know one another- favorite things, secrets, taste in movies/music, sexual preferences, what they envision for their future... You two already did all of that. This second beginning is more about the two of you learning to be healthy, supportive partners, friends and lovers. You already know what the other likes and dislikes for the most part. You know each other's back stories and families. Now it's just being patient, understanding with one another to build on an existing foundation." The response calmed me but I really need to stop thinking and just enjoy things for what they are right now.  
 

And I should probably putting my business out here. Haters gonna hate but I'm probably giving them ammo. Shrug...

The Elation of One is the Heartbreak of Another

He and I are two forces of nature. I'm the sea; beautiful, deep and full of life. He's the wind; free, calming and refreshing. Together in harmony we created synchronous relaxing waves, that were calming, fun and beautiful. But when we started spiraling out of control and things got bad, his wind became forceful and angry and my waves became violent and destructive. Sprinkle in "her" and you got like a grade gazillion hurricane (note: I am not a meteorologist).

The aftermath of our collision has hurt a lot of people. For that I'm not proud. I never wanted or want to hurt anyone. I want to heal the world with kindness and love but I take accountability that my actions and behaviors have hurt people. I hope the girls who loved him and I possibly screwed over understand that I never meant to hurt them. To my ex I want him to know that I truly did love him. He was not a rebound or filler. Life is just weird and falls together randomly and chaotically sometimes. I didn't meet Derek for coffee expecting to fall back in love with him. I liked him as a person and wanted to be his friend. I truly thought my feelings were gone. 

My friend Carmen says this thing in spanish, "Donde hubo fuego, cenizas quedan." (I think that totally might be my first tattoo...) translating to "where there was fire, ashes remain," an idiom which means where there was love, feelings remain. There was a lot of fucking love between him and myself. Five years we loved each other. 

I laugh thinking back. October 12th, 2005, during work I mustered up the courage to finally tell him how I felt after a couple of months of flirting. 17 year old me had black thick framed glasses (before they were cool) frizzy curly black hair and I had zero idea how to wear make up. I wore ladybug shoes and had pins and buttons on my bags. My nose was always in a book as if I needed anything else to help me scream, "NERD!" During our shift he and I bumped into each other in the back. He stopped me, joked about something, I giggled and he hugged me. Terry the supervisor walked in on us and Derek blurted out, "She's upset... our street is flooding... I was comforting her." I'm laughing now thinking about it. After work we talked in his car, both our cheeks burning so hot we fogged up the windows. I told him I liked him, "I'm an asshole... I'm gonna be a horrible boyfriend," he told me point blank. "Isn't that for me to decide?" He was both an asshole and a shitty boyfriend, lol, but he was an amazing person and I loved who I knew he could be. 

We made each other better. I lost weight and got straight A's. He went back to school and did the same. We were dedicated well oiled machines, but immature. Our love inspired us to be better but I unfortunately didn't have the tools to do it healthily. I was so incredibly self destructive; it lead to my attempted suicide. He dated someone young... We were young. Young people are reckless. Reckless people make mistakes. But you can't fuck with true love, ever watch Princess Bride? True love is some serious shit. I can attest to that.

Talking to him now he says confidently that he is a kind, considerate, good person and he is, and I always knew he could be. He says, "I'm a good, supportive, loving boyfriend if I'm not with someone volatile," which is the complete opposite of what 19 year old Derek said. He is not the gangly, long haired punkass of 8 years ago. I am not the super naive, self deprecating nerd. He is a good man. I am a good woman. Everything we went through- the shit talking, the pain, the anger- we had to go through to get to be who we are right now. If you don't get it, I'm sorry. Just give it time... or don't. It's not going to change anything; forces of nature and whatnot. 

I just want anyone who got hurt because of me to know that I am truly sorry, it was never my intention. I hope your pain alleviates. Our time on this planet is too limited to get hung up. I know death could knock on my door at any moment. I want to be truly happy until the day I take my last breath. With him I'm happy.   

My mind is free

This is probably the most creative I've been in years. I feel like a 15th century French man (it'd be cool if that was the right century I was aiming for. My history is a wee bit rusty). All smitten and idealistic and romantic. Writing poems, painting pictures, being drunk on life. Just having him in my life makes me happy. How silly and incredible is that? I work out harder and spend my days dreaming and imagining and creating. My mind is flooded with ideas! I'm not even talking romantic/relationship stuff I mean about who I want to be and what I want to do. I am feeling more and more assertive everyday. It's not for him. It's for me. I just feel so much more like me when he's in my life. Its completely bizarre. Kinda spiritual.
I'm sounding creepy. I don't worship him. It's almost as if he helps me see the true me. I am free with him and I'm not scared of becoming who I want to be. Just with talking to him and having the ability to be honest and open.
Never say never. Shit like this is why that's a saying.
I literally feel like I traveled through hell. The last few months I have completely changed. I had a rough few years. Ha. My life has been crazy. But what a fucking adventure it's been. When I'm old and wrinkly and awesome I am going to have the most AMAZING stories to tell my granddaughters as I paint with them or sun bathe or bake. If I die tomorrow I die with no regrets; only love. I am so grateful for my whole life for it has lead me to this point of complete enlightenment.

My brother was so angry before telling a story about how the neighbors talk shit about him. I sat there looking at him with a small sad smile on my face. I'm not trying to be condescending. I just can't believe how much time and energy I wasted being unhappy and mad. Who the fuck cares what they say? You're just living your life, not bothering them. They're so bored they need to talk shit to fill up their time. They are the ones being unkind, not you. I wish that filled him with comfort but it doesn't.

I used to be so afraid of death. I remember at least 3 times during my relationship with Derek where I called him or woke him up scared out of my mind just at the IDEA that one of us may die and there's nothing after. All the things I wouldn't experience. He didn't even believe in an afterlife but death didn't scare him. It took me a long time to come to grips with it. I think of it as a game now. Every day I get is a blessing, a next level to beat. Some days are harder than others but every second is a blessing. Why not spend it doing the things you love? Learning new things, being kind.

I'm gonna be a great mom one day. I'm so super excited. Everything I do... Becoming healthy, educating myself in childhood development, working with children, taking the time to build relationships with people, my profession... It is all with my future children in mind. I'm not even dating anyone, let alone married. I love my children and am sacrificing for them and they're just an idea! That is how I know I'm going to be a good mom. Because I want to teach them so much and teach them how to spread love and joy.

SEE HOW MY BRAIN WORKS? This shit is all the time. I love it, honestly. I've started writing down ideas and concepts. On top of working and looking for an apartment. Bah. Life is crazy.

I thought I might combine my love of writing with my love of nursing and start writing for nursing magazines about my views on childhood development and personal experiences and such. When I was a teenager I wanted to run my own magazine. I thought what if I actually make that happen. Nursing is becoming it's own culture filled with girls my age. Girls with ray bans, tattoos, mental illness, interest in travel and charity, etc. I wanna submit things into parenting magazines and make a name for myself, maybe conduct research. Who the fuck knows!!! I just know that all those things are possible because I am smart as fuck and ambitious and dedicated as anything. If I want something I don't sit around waiting for someone to give it to me, no I get off my ass and work for it. That is who I am. I am stubborn but I am a good person so my intentions are usually good and altruistic nowadays.
I am healing my wounds because I understand that if I want to be a parent one day my children are going to mimic my example. I want to be healthy and good because I want my children and the people around me to be healthy and good. I must lead by example and do the hard work first. I can't force them to change. I just hope I can inspire them.

Disclaimer- the F bomb is thrown around a lot, so sorry.

Annnnnd... there it is. I've reached the point of indifference. I decided to stop having expectations. I just want to be happy and have fun and if I'm causing someone else and myself stress and discomfort, well, that's not fun.
I'm not sure what it is about me that's so willing to put myself out there. Fear? Insecurity? I have no idea. I used to think I was brave for being so open to love but sometimes I think I just may be a fool. I'm not feeling sorry for myself just weary of the world. The people of the world are unforgiving, jaded. In the book The Four Agreements it talks about children and how they are so happy and free. That is what I'm trying to attain- happiness and freedom. My goal in life is to improve growing up for the children of the world and reduce mental illness by encouraging love, compassion and understanding. Children don't lie, they love without restraint, they cry when they get hurt, they throw tantrums when angry. They're these little primitive bundles of adorableness and it's our responsibility to show them how to live a healthy life and be kind and loving and compassionate and forgiving. Those qualities enable personal growth and reduce mental illness. A child who is taught love and compassion will have the tools to be loving and compassionate with themselves. ...Yeah, I'm gonna be in school forever. I wonder if I'll write books...
Anyway. Rule number 3 in the book by Don Miguel Ruiz is don't make assumptions. Today while driving an entire scenario full of steaminess and evil cackles floated through my head. That was my mind filling the space of an unanswered question. What my mind came up with was nasty and painful. I decided to not leave the question unanswered but by asking the question I caused more harm. My assumption caused me anxiety so I asked a question but the question, which relieved my anxiety, caused him anxiety. All this confusion lead me to my conclusion. Fuck it.
Fuck it. Let the motherfucking chips fall wherever they motherfucking may.
Tania! Listen! You. Can't. Control. Outcomes. So. Fuck. Off.
I had a conversation with God today. I told him he wins, I give up trying to smoosh my life together like a toddler attempting to make two puzzles pieces that don't match fit together. I'm that kid. The kid who sucks at giving up and letting go. I don't mean in the sense of walking away I mean in the sense of giving up and letting go of control. It's an illusion. I control nothing, not even my mind. Because if I did control my mind nasty hurtiness wouldn't have popped into my head. And the fact that it hurts is stupid. No one is harming you dummy.
Just because you can offer all the love in the world doesn't mean people can handle all that shit at once, bitch. On a daily basis you accept people for exactly who they are because of your profession and because you want to treat people with kindness and dignity. No one else in the whole wide world is you dummy. Go at their pace. You're so friggen eager to care about people it freaks them out.
So yeah. Just gonna let people breathe for a bit.

Transforming from a Nightmare to a Dream

I'm really proud of myself. For the first time in my life I am putting myself and what I want first, in a positive way. Since October I have achieved unprecedented personal and spiritual growth and maturity. When people put up boundaries I acknowledge and respect them. I take nothing personally and try not to let the little things penetrate into my mind and ruin my day.

This may look like I'm verbally fallatio-ing myself but I honestly am in need of the encouragement. In another time I would be getting angry or frustrated or anxious but now I realize there's nothing to worry about because no matter how much I worry and hurt over it, it's not going to change the outcome. Recognizing that has helped tremendously.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I wake up with panic in my heart. I browse through social media searching for evidence, I sit quietly and worry and then I catch myself. I treat myself like I would a patient. With compassion and understanding and then I help myself through the discomfort without the need to lash out anymore. I know that eventually the discomfort will dissipate because this new lifestyle will be a habit. I have been tested over and over again and I know now how to manage myself.

I was told yesterday that people (who used to be my friends) talk about me being crazy. I felt indignant for a moment and then I asked if it was true. Yeah, it was. I was having a mental breakdown and I had just been assaulted. I was crazy. I knew I was. That's why I took a month off from work and was in intense therapy 4 days a week. Most days I didn't have enough energy to shower or eat. Sometimes all I wanted to do was cry but I didn't even have to energy to express how miserable I was. My life collapsed. I hit rock bottom and got to a point in my life where I knew I had to stop punishing myself.

So fuck yeah I'm proud of myself. I may have been crazy but I'm now a better person than some individuals even know is possible. I'm not bragging that I'm altruistic, no, I'm saying I wanted to be this way and I made it happen. I wanted to be a good kind person and I fucking did it. So people can say I was crazy, I was. But how bout you spend a minute in my tiny shoes and realize all the bullshit I was put through. Of course I was mentally ill, but so was everyone else around me. It's the degree by which you hide it. I have never been good at hiding my feelings.

My mom had a mental breakdown. I remember now. She also chopped off all her hair and started smoking cigarettes, and she even took a bottle of pills..............
Fuck. All my craziness was a reflection of what I saw as a kid. What. the. fuck. Holy poo I can't wait to get more in depth in childhood development. Like seriously those behaviors were engraved in my mind and I subconsciously acted out in similar ways I witnessed my mother act out when I was a child. We are taught how to act; we are taught what is acceptable. But we can rewire the system. You can accept their truth or you can realize that their truth hurt the shit out of you and you make your own truth.

Nursing saved my life. I am so grateful to the profession. It has kept me educated, accountable and grounded. It has also taught me tolerance, humor and kindness. If I didn't know so much about the brain, mental illness and therapeutic communication I would have never known I was acting inappropriately. Pediatric nursing has made me ask questions about family and parenting and therefore how my own parents parented. I have learned about attachment and bonding and I teach parents how to parent now. I recognize what my parents did wrong. I forgive them for it and then I rewire the action or thought process.

I'm so grateful for everything I have been through. Even the worst parts. Without every experience I wouldn't be the person I am today and I love the person I am today. Each experience was like working out. It was hard and your muscles are in pain, maybe for days at a time but the pain means your growing. The pain means you're getting stronger. I am so strong. And kind and loving and good...
And messy (just looked around my room) gonna cut this rant "short" and do chores, lol. Have a wonderful day/night!

Never Learned "Stranger Danger"

This weekend I indulged in my weakness. I don't feel guilty because I've already forgiven myself for being human but I do feel frustrated. I went against one of the rules I have set for myself and am disappointed. It's kinda like cheating on your diet. That ice cream tastes so damn good but you feel guilty as poop after you eat it. Perhaps there's a few seconds of self loathing or anger but no matter what, you have to deal with the consequence of your action- which in this metaphor/example is not looking very cute in a bikini.
I know who I am. For so long I needed people to tell me who I was. To reassure that I was beautiful... and kind and funny and intelligent, etc. I'm glad to be free of that for the most part. I still struggle to believe people won't abandon me. That has to do with trust, I guess. I don't trust that I am good enough to be loved or something like that. I'm working on it. I know the type of person I am acts only out of love. Sometimes I get carried away because I'm so willing to love and be loved. I forget that, unlike me, most people don't act like a 4 year old being offered a puppy from a man in a white van when it comes to trusting people. People are weary and mistrusting- jaded. The pain of the past crashes down on us, wave after wave when something new comes along which reminds us of a past trauma. We must always live in the present. We can't change the past, so why keep comparing the present to that memory?
I want to look at things as they are, not as I want them to be nor as they "should" be. I want to live in the moment. I want everyone I love to know I love them. I don't want to spend another moment being unkind and inconsiderate. I'm excited for this next chapter of my life. I'm ready to live up to my full potential without baggage holding me down. I must continue living a healthy lifestyle in every way and do what's best for myself because ultimately that's what's gonna be best for everyone.

In other news one of my nephews got bit by his dog today. The family is really aggressive (all 3 boys want to be MMA fighters) so I think the dogs pick that up and I know for a fact the boys fuck with him. The scientist in me was like, "Hmm. I wonder if Linus' will ever get aggressive with me." For a full hour I tested him and the nut didn't even walk away he was just super glad I was giving him so much attention. I tugged his ears, played with his tail, tried fitting his whole face in my mouth, nothing bothered this little dude. He trusts me so much that he just sits patiently as I attempt to annoy him. He knows my intention isn't to harm him, just love him and so he love and trusts me back. That's pretty friggen powerful.