Stuck in my head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ghost of Myself

I've started living in the last few weeks. Its funny because I thought that I had been living all this time but I really wasn't. I thought I had everything under control in the way I wanted it. "I wanna be over weight and avoid all my old friends" "I want to watch hours and hours of tv in my pjs and do nothing of value with my life" I wish I had figured all this out before but sometimes life just needs to give you a good bitch slap to make you realize, "What the fuck am I doing? This is NOT the way I wanted my life to go."

"People" have been awful to me.

I am not an awful person.

Something about having someone encourage you to kill yourself- to feel so honored that you would do that for them- makes you hate yourself. I have hated myself everyday since I woke up on a hospital stretcher with my tearful father holding my hand... How could I have been so manipulated and conned? How could I have cared for someone who was just an enormous piece of ingested shit that was shitted out again? How could I have let myself be punched and insulted and dragged and pushed and completely demeaned and embarrassed in every sense of the word? HOW!!! HOW could I have allowed a the person who fueled and manipulated all of this to enter my life once again. How did I not see how manipulative both of them were? How?

Because I believed I deserved it.

I have believed that I am a failure since I nearly gave up my life for something that had always been a fantasy. I became everything people who wanted to see me fail in life thought I would become all the while swearing otherwise. In the last year and... three months I have learned and worked through so much. This is the final phase... Reclaiming my life.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Who the fuck is this mopey ass bitch and why the fuck has she been sabotaging my life?!" is a sentence I have been yelling at myself over and over again today. I've been losing weight, I've actually been able to lose a substantial amount of weight in the last few weeks. I owe Anthony for pulling me out of... well, myself. I feel that it is unfortunate that it took him to do it and not myself but it still served as the motivation I needed. I could gush about the kid for hours...But honestly I have sucked this past year. I'm an amazing girlfriend, hands down, I treat that man like the prince he is but I have not exactly been a fairy tale to deal with. After all this he still wants to marry me. Honestly if we don't get married, if we fall apart or just don't work out, the gesture alone was meaningful and helped me realize that I sucked as a person. I was constantly depressed, over weight, unmotivated and generally just a shell of the person I once was and yet... he still loved me and sees me for who I am, who I really am! Under the weight and sadness and self inflicted torment. He sees my potential. He understands and accepts my tortured soul routine but would say to me constantly, "I wish you would see your life as it is, not what you think it is. I don't like when you cry... I really just want you to be happy." It would be gentle sentences said to me as I sobbed into my pillow like a toddler or lay affectlessly on the couch. I wasn't actively trying to end my life but I was passively letting it pass me by.

His love was yet another one of life's bitch slaps. It took him a long time to love me. Let's face it,I didn't even love myself, but when he got to that point to say that one word... (Flash back! to the moment Anthony told me he loved me... It was night time in Puerto Rico and we were lying in the gloriousness of a four and a half star bed, the moonlight was bursting through the sheer white drapes that suited the tropical local perfectly. Both of us drunk on our own love and the beauty of our surroundings laid quietly holding each other. By this point sometimes I would let those three little words slip out but since they weren't recipricated I maintained them to a minimum. I started chatting away about how grateful I was to share this awesome experience with him. "moosh moosh moosh" I was saying. There was a long pause and he inhales deeply and then says, "Love..." and proceeds to squeeze every ounce of air out of me and say "love, love, love, love, love" over and over again. It took him a couple of days to say all three words "I, love, and you" together. So he only said one word the first time he told me he loved me.) Like I was saying... When he got to the point to say that one word, you best believe I was bathed in love. Anthony is a very logical an rational person. Love for him had to follow some type of equation or mathmatical algorithm or something. He held back until his feelings overflowed what the "right amount of love" was. It honestly made it that much more meaningful. Anyway... He has loved me with his whole heart and when he said marriage is something he sees for us...

I woke up.

It was like I had died on my 23rd birthday and a sad ghost of myself was trying to keep going, to keep living. But like a ghost I was tied to my old life by invisible tethers called regret and shame which would keep pulling me back every time I tried to move on. Truth is... I wouldn't marry me right now. I am not the person I wanted to be. This is not the person I am. When Anthony pseudo-proposed I realized I have so much work to do to make myself worth marrying. I love Anthony so much. I feel like we work perfectly with each other. I couldn't ask for a better partner to have for the rest of my life. But he deserves better than what I have been giving him. Sure, I love him with my whole heart but I don't love me with my whole heart. He deserves the best and that includes me at my best.

So I found my voice again and my voice is saying, "Get the fuck out of New Jersey!" I think it's what Anthony and I both need. So hopefully this time next year I will be living with Anthony in an apartment somewhere completely different than here. I really really don't want to be a townie. I've come to hate everything familiar. Maybe one day I'll come back with my tail between my legs and raise my kids in Jersey but it seriously will not be without living in a few cities and seeing some of the world. I am so pumped!... and completely terrified. This is something that I need to do. I envisioned myself posh and successful... I'm not going to make that happen in Central Jersey... I hate it here too much. :)

Best Friends

Anthony and I are going to get engaged. Weird to say that but yeah. Plans are in motion for that to happen. He decided to start saving for a ring and such and I'm getting my ass in shape if I want to get married within the next 2 years or so. Maybe it's too soon but honestly I really haven't been happier. His personality is so indecisive I was shocked when he made the decision. The other night I mentioned that most people just want to marry their best friend to which he replied, "well... You're my best friend." he's mine too. I don't think I've ever been so honest with anyone except Jamie and Caitlin. Whenever Jamie teases me that he's going to tell Anthony something I'm doing I just laugh at him and say, "he totally already knows, so go ahead." It's really true. There's nothing I haven't told him. My past, my present, my future... He knows it all. I even told him about Jamie (something which Jamie almost killed me for) and Anthony was just like, "cool thanks for telling me but I trust you. You cheat on me, the only one you'd be hurting is yourself." Which is completely true. I am so in love with him I really wouldn't want to mess anything up. I don't think I would find anyone who understands me more. Anthony just gets me in a way I don't even get myself. He knows exactly what to say to enforce a positive response. The other day he said something hurtful without thinking or intention. When he saw the look of hurt on my face and the tears well up in my eyes time just stopped with that look of complete sorrow on his face too. Immediately he came to me and said he was being stupid and didn't realize how hurtful he was being. He never wants to see me cry. Like, sometimes when we're making love I just get so emotional at how passionate it is and how much he loves me and I in turn love him I cry and he totally kills my buzz every time because he'll just stop until I stop crying. "I can never tell whether their happy or sad tears so I'll just wait." haha. When he hurt my feelings he said how much he hates when I cry, it hurts him to ever see me sad. He suggested when I hurt his feelings just to punch him in the face and say, "you're being mean." because it would hurt less than him knowing he made me cry. What more can I ask for? Marriage, I guess. The other day we were talking and he was betting me against something. "if you win I'll give you anything you want. Anything. I promise." Like a reflex, "I just want you to always be in my life, I want to always love you," came out of my mouth before I could censor it. I was horrified, "that... or a pony," I said trying to make light of the situation.
"I tell you I'll give you anything you want and you pick me in your life forever?" he asked quietly.
"Or a pony."
"what the hell would you do with a pony? Where would you store it?"
"my backyard? Or a stable?"
"then you'd have to rent... You're being ridiculous you don't want a pony."
"you said anything I want!"
"and you chose me?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
After this he paused. "let's get married."
"seriously?"
"if you win the bet... Maybe even if you don't."
I won the bet :) That night I got a text at 2 am. "I love you lots, baby. If I could spend forever with you it would be the best forever...ever. I appreciate having you in my life."
My life is blanketed with a sense of calm. I have a partner. A real partner. One that calls me out on my shit without hurting my feelings or making me feel stupid. Our strengths and weaknesses are entirely complimentary. He's shy, I am too but I'm more outgoing than he is. My over emotion has taught him to recognize his own emotions. His clear logical outlook has pulled me back when I get too hot headed or irrational. We both love cuddling :). I think a lot of couples consider themselves best friends just because you should want to be friends with the person you're with but the truth is a lot of times they probably wouldn't be friends of they weren't dating. Anthony was my best friend when we started dating. He because my best friend on November 7th 2010 when he picked me up on the side of the road in tears with hospital bands around my wrists. He picked me up and let me talk and cry until I couldn't do either anymore. "You probably think I'm crazy. I'm really sorry." I remember how gentle his demeanor was... "I don't think you're crazy. You've just been hurt a lot and you're really sad." How could I not fall in love with him?
One especially hard day after the break up he sent me a message, "I've never been the type of person who believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things just happen... So we grow."
Anthony has seen me at rock bottom, it's how we established a more intimate part of our friendship, and yet here he is. If he could see me at my worst and not be scared away why wouldn't I want to spend forever with this man?

Comatose

The last few days I have been a deadly, can't move out of bed kind of sick. I've been on heavy stuff including some magic cough medicine with codeine. Needless to say this stuff is strong and has had me in a strange in and out trance for the last few days. Anthony and I took a little break from each other for the last couple of days as well. He had a trip planned with his friends which I thought was opportune time for him to think things over in our relationship and decide what he really wanted. It gave me time to reflect as well.
For the past year and some change I can only remember the awful things my ex did to me. I have no happy memories anymore. Well thanks to the purple drank I was prescribed on one exceptionally feverish and achy night I remembered the one nice thing about my ex. He was usually always there for me when I was sick. Taking me to the drs, holding me, even running a cold bath of my fever was too high. For the first time I compared Anthony to him and felt angry that Anthony listened to me and went on his trip. I'm an adult now and that means I had to be my own nurse. Making my own meals with high temperatures, remembering to take my medicine. Moving myself from the couch to my bed, ha. Well falling asleep annoyed at the fact that Anthony wasn't there I had a dream. It was amazing. Anthony and I were married and I was about to give birth to our first baby. The next thing I remember I have a beautiful little girl in my arms and I'm climbing about a million stairs with my mother. My baby had my complexion with big brown eyes but Anthony's beautiful lips. She was a weirdly beautiful combination of the best of the two of us... I was talking to my mother when I noticed she wasn't in my arms anymore. I had to search and search I was frantic and scared but then I found my daughter and who stole her? Well I did. If that isn't symbolism I don't know what is. This whole remembering shit from that evil scumbag... It takes me away from everything happening right now and from what could happen in my future. Anthony went on a trip because I told him it was okay. The truth is they don't compare. Anthony always has my back and is constantly attentive everyday that we spend together. Comparing that to the once in a while my ex was nice to me? There's no comparison. And today he got back and sat with me a few hours just rubbing my back and kissing my forehead telling me how worried he was and how much he missed me. He's so good. I really don't think I could ever find someone anymore caring and understanding if I tried for the rest of my life. Luckily, I don't have to. I appreciate what I have in front of me to the fullest. He knows that an loves me just as much. Life is interesting. I'm no longer going to stand in my own way. I'm ready to create a new future. I don't know what to expect but as long as he holds my hand and I hold his, I'm not afraid; I know it's going to be amazing. I love him so much. Things are so clear. Maybe because I've spent 5 days unable to move... But I honestly have a new appreciation towards life. First thing I'm going to appreciate when I'm better? Breathing. I really miss doing that, haha.

Forgiveness

Growing up I went to catholic school. This explains my interest in blue eyed caucasians and why I don't fit in anywhere really. A complete graham cracker; too brown to be a white person to white in my actions to be a minority. I feel like a child of an interracial couple. Not quite one thing or the other. But I guess I am a result of something similar... The coupling of two cultures... Few understand because most families that have come here believe that their country is the best. I am a mix of so many things that I thought I could choose who I became... Which I did... But that didnt mean anyone had to accept it. I'm a nice, intelligent girl. To rationalize this people "forget" I'm Hispanic. Part of me must be white, they think. It's kinda sad and hilarious. To be well liked I must hide part of myself. Well... Theres nothing about me to not like, eventually they'll see that. Annoying but people have had to prove themselves for ages. Our "modern" times just make it so that people have to hide their prejudice in the silence of their hearts.
Anyway catholic school taught me that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins. I've always been told to forgive as he did... Something I have lived by my entire life. All forgiveness has gotten me is beaten, battered and made to look like a fool. All forgiveness got him was a life devoted to nothing but being spit on, pummeled and nailed down like an animal. People forget to tell you that part. That the only thing you get out of being forgiving is a sense of self righteousness. To the rest of the world your a kind fool but a fool nonetheless. I always just felt I couldn't be bothered with hating someone or being angry about something. That's a difficult burden to carry around. Embarrassment is also cumbersome... I guess I'm just too forgiving but at least I know I'm not a bad person. I guess the point of forgiveness is inner peace. I guess I just have to stop forgetting the pain people caused me. Forgetting is why the crimes against myself are recommitted. Well to become old and wise you must first be young and stupid. I am learning a lot. Growing up is about making mistakes... I just hope I'm all grown up sooner rather than later.

Silly girl

I'm dumb for being so nice. Just so people know, at my age my mother was already exhibiting signs of schizophrenia. I for the record am not. Also, my biological mother has a big warm heart and is truthful and kind, she's just sick. People are cruel to make fun of the mentally ill. Its like any of disease. Anyway I'm in a sane healthy relationship about to celebrate my one year anniversary with a loyal gentle man. Schizophrenia can be treated with medication. As for other people... Once a glass has been shattered there's no hiding the fact that it's damaged. Well enjoying the rest of my night.

Sweet Autumn

He deserves all the praise I give him. All the sweet letters full of passion. He deserves to be told he is an amazing person and I would enjoy his companionship for the rest of my life. Last night I dreamt the two of us eloped and he was helping me plan a fancy wedding with my parents who were absolutely thrilled by our marriage. I awoke to him holding me and letting out a small pleasurable sigh as I snuggled closer and kissed his cheek. Last weekend we went to new hope and had an amazing time. He is patient and polite and he likes my interests and has interests of his own. We ate at an expensive restaurant where he didn't allow me to even look at the bill. When I told him he could get the check only if he let's me get the next three he got all pouty and said absolutely not. I love and hate that. I can pay for myself now and I could treat him as well but I love the feeling of being taken care of even though he knows full well I can take care of myself. There's something contemporarily chivalrous about it if that's not an oxymoron. Saturday I awoke in his arms. We went apple picking. On the way to the farm there was an Oktoberfest festival taking place. We stopped and had beehive cake. Then he made passionate love to me, afterwards it was to the supermarket and then we spent our night making pies and talking. He actually helped me bake and wanted to be good at it. In the kitchen he would watch me and smile. He would come from behind and gently hug me and kiss my head. He stopped me in the middle of the kitchen and danced with me for a second with no music playing. The love I feel when I'm around him... it makes me drunk. He's modest and kind and thoughtful. His gentleness is completely masculine and makes me want him much more. He's sensible and knows how to reprimand me and bring me to my senses in a way that opens my eyes and let's me see for myself how silly I'm being. I don't care what the world thinks of us. I'm so happy with him. And honestly he's just a happy with me. On December 26th in the wee hours of the morning he told me he wanted to give us a shot. "I want to be with you" Nine months later here I am writing about how perfect his is on our mini anniversary. My ex once jealously tweeted "a bigger man in every way" speaking of some fling I had. He was mainly write. But with Anthony? Well Anthony is the bigger man in every way. And I do mean every. I reflect on the fact that my birthday is coming up glad about that had happened. I would not be so happy now if none of it had happened. Anthony surpasses any man I have ever encountered. I told him tearfully the other day that of he ever decided to leave I would be so angry knowing i would have to look very hard and never find anyone as good. It's the truth. He's not perfect but frankly... other men should be taking notes.