The Prayer of the New Nurse

I walking into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit... Everything replays slowly now... The tiny quiet unit hectic during morning report. I didn't want to do this but I figured I needed to see it with my own eyes. Walking down the hall I stopped one of the residents, "What room is she in?" she told me, "How is she doing?" Her eyes saddened, "Very bad actually..." I held my breath dropped my bags before entering the room. "You can do this... even if it's a bad idea." I stood at the window shocked as I saw her. I hesitated for a minute then let the air out of my lungs and pushed the door open. She was asleep yet the way she was gasping for air you would think had run a mile and then was trapped in a room with no oxygen. The way a fish looks outside the water, desperately gasping for air. Hungry for it. I was horrified, and saddened. Last time I saw her she was making jokes... now? The minute or two I stood there felt much longer. I surveyed her from head to toe. In her sleep she was gripping on the hospital bed rails as if the leverage may make breathing easier... may make living easier. Like a veil being dropped from the ceiling I could feel the weight of it all coming down. The scene now replays in slow motion. I wanted to dash out the room but as I turned to go, I turned right back and grabbed her hand, squeezed it and in the silence of my heart pleaded, "God, please..." Then I rushed out before the dark could reach me or pull me under.
"God, please..." Was all I could manage at the time... Two words... But what I meant behind them? I can't articulate what i meant because it can only be felt. Maybe on day I will find the words but right now, "God, please..." means volumes to me.
She's not going to make it... I bat away tears as I write it. I was holding on to so much hope but after today I can no longer not accept it... She is going to die... Only 16 years old... She never got to go to prom or learn how to drive... 16 and dying... I wonder if it would have as many ratings?
I went into pediatrics knowing it would be sad... Why didn't that protect me from this hurt? I guess it's like relationships. You go in accepting the risk of heart break... but is it ever really expected?
Last night I took care of a little boy who was practically in a coma the last time I cared for him a few weeks back. Last night he was joking and blowing me kisses, and playing with my hair. He even started crying when I said I was going home for the day. That fills me up with warmth... That warmth is what I need to focus on. Not the cold dark veil...
From this moment on I will be gasping for air... Hungry for life... and living every damn second of it to be a good person and do good things with my life. Loving my patients the way I do... Its really stupid. But everything I do is for them... I am too soft, I'm told from those who I have let in. I'd rather be too soft than cold and calculated. I know the burden I carry and I carry it proudly. I live my life by treating others the way I want to be treated (unless you're one of the few people I have cut off completely). Well if I was a mother I would want my nurse to know the pain I live at the prospect of losing my child. So I feel this pain... because I willingly signed up for it. I hope to kiss more booboos than shed tears of loss... That's all I can hope for. "God, please..." give me the strength, intelligence, dedication and patience to be a good nurse... A loving person... Amen.

Stupid little girl

Today I've been doing tons of self reflection. I feel really angry. I was talking to my coworker and she was sharing her past relationships and then she said, "I laugh at how stupid I was then." I can't laugh at my past... I don't look at it and chuckle at how dumb I was I want to throw that stupid little girl off a cliff. To think I was willing to give up everything. Willing to pay off his student loans and not have my mother in the delivery room... It was all obscene. Pay his student loans because he payed for us to do things on dates... I tried paying for dinner the other night and Anthony refused. I expressed how annoying it was that he never let me pay and he said "well then you're gonna be annoyed. I'm gonna pay for things because that's how I was raise. Men do that. And you pop a baby out one day far far in the future... It's only fair." I laughed but honestly I'm gonna hope and pray every day that I marry this kid. Because everything he is is everything I want. I want to not only care for but also be take care of and Anthony understands that. My last relationship? That stupid little girl was okay with minimal amounts of affection and attempts. Hell no anymore. If im working hard then he better be working hard too. So I guess I may be angry at the stupid little girl of my past but at least I know I'm never going to be her again. "my friend got a penis tattooed between her boobs... At least your mistake wasn't permanent." said my coworker. How fucking true is that. I need to take that little girl aside call her dumb give her a hug and finally let her rest. Because I wouldn't be the woman I am today if I didn't learn the lessons she taught me. As moronic as she was. Anthony apologized again before he went to bed last night. "I never want you to be scared of me. I completely over reacted and I promise it will never happen again." Again I say I will marry this man :)

Bitter Memories

So last night Anthony raised his voice. It was the first time I had ever seen him angry and much less at me. Before the sentence slipped out of his mouth he was already apologizing. It was over something insignificant which I guess hurt more. He felt horrible and I know if he hadn't been intoxicated it would have never happened. Its funny how a joyous occasion can transform in just seconds. As soon as I heard his voice sound angry I was apologizing over something that shouldn't have even been a problem. I felts scared and had to choke down tears as I could feel myself bursting into tears. I suppose I'm more traumatized than I thought. I cant help but feel angry at him for getting upset over something so small. He felt awful afterwards something that didn't help.
I felt like I was in another lifetime. I was automatically transported to the moment when my nose and lip were bleeding and the look of remorse on his face as he said he deserved to die for hitting me... What an asshole. And what more? What a little bitch I am for letting this moment of my past throw me into a mini panic attack. This little bitch who apologizes for things that aren't even her fault. I wish I could kill her... I thought I had. I guess she was just hiding in a closet of my subconscious waiting for the right moment to jump out. I hate that little bitch. She has no room in my new relationship. It took me all of 2 minutes to realize I was reacting to not what was in front of me now but what was in front of me then. After I realized that I was able to come back to reality. It wasn't that bad. Anthony should be allowed to express anger, it just better not be towards me. And so I told him that. I like how we work. No arguments, no anger. If he wants to change the dynamics then I'm out. I may have been overreacting but my sanity comes first. I need to feel safe with him. And I do. He felt so bad... "I feel safest when I'm in your arms, Anthony. I don't want that to change." He promised not to scare me again. I promised myself not to let a man scare me regardless.
He held me until I fell asleep and then he tucked me in like he usually does. He apologized and kissed me. I told him I loved him.
Everything will be okay.

Kiss Goodnight

As soon as all the drama started it ended. My life went back to normal in no time at all which is surprising because I tend to fester over things to do with my past. I guess this shows I'm growing up and moving on from my dark past.
Anthony has been absolutely amazing. We had drinks with my parents the other night. My father is rather fond of him as is my mother. My brothers have been cautious because of my last relationship but are warming up to him. There's really nothing to dislike. He's real and down to earth and his gentleness is overwhelming. Told my dad I was going away on vacation with him. I told him I hope he doesn't make wrongful assumptions and stops talking to me for months afterwards like he did when I got back from costa rica. He expressed that I'm not married and vacations alone are left for honeymoons. "this isn't 1965 papi, I am going on vacation I just hope you don't get upset." we agreed to disagree and he promised he wouldn't get upset. Oh the wonders of communication.
Anthony realized my dad was very old school the other night and asked if we were to get married what would customarily be appropriate for my father. I gave him the answer but was sure to hide my smile. Mr. I have trouble getting close is thinking about one day asking me to marry him. He's so silly. I'm so crazy about him. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. Being with him now is so amazing I really don't need anything else right now.
He's absolutely wonderful... I'm really so in love and he is too... It's amazing. He does this adorable thing... When he has to do something in the morning and can't sleep over he lays with me until I'm asleep and then he tucks me in before he leaves and tells me how much he loves being with me and how pretty I look when I sleep. "you're such a sleepy puppy" he whispers in my ear. "I love you too" I whisper back... I am so blessed!

Anger Bubble

Frustrating is the fact that people tell me things that I don't want to know. More frustrating? Getting woken up at 4 am on Sunday morning for no good reason which leads me back to the first of people telling me things I don't want to know. Ha, whatever. I can't blame people, I mean I used to be in the exact same position. Took me a long time to get out actually. I would still be there if I didn't nearly die. But the fact of the matter is there comes a time when you decide whether you want to stop being a victim. I've made that decision and since then have ceased to see myself as someone not worth nice things. Child abuse, sexual abuse and then physical domestic abuse? Is she blind to the pattern? Or is she so stuck in following it's path that she can't get out of the cycle? The truth is I don't care. But why tell me you think his family is fake and his step mother is crazy and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore and you're still in love with your best friend just to turn around and go back to the same damn situation. I guess the difference is that I'm not her. I don't need to cross boundaries and try to stir up drama because in the end you dig your own grave. You want to be phony? It's a waste of energy but I don't care. The funny thing is that I REALLY don't care. I'm just a firm believer in my time not being wasted and the time wasted on that exhausting Sunday should have been focused on my amazing boyfriend whom I was sharing an anniversary with (don't worry folks it was still amazing. We laughed and cried and held each other... then he made love to me. I cried afterwards, it was a life changing love session haha, so nothing was lost) . But in the end what does all this teach me? That I need to stop feeling so god damn altruistic and just let people crash and burn on their own accord. I was fooled this time but next time I won't be there. Not because I don't care but... oh wait... yeah that is why. I've given advice and told who I could and I come from having experience. One day they'll know I was right and that fact makes me feel at peace.
My life should be spent making sure I am as happy as can be. Not fixing others when they get punched in the face. I didn't come running to any exes with my problems. The truth is he's a monster who preys on victims and she's a victim who searches for monsters to kill her. A great match. Enjoy cleaning his draws and paying for his trips. I'm off on vacation with my man who can afford his own ticket and even offered to pay mine... you know, a real man. I am no longer full of hate. I can move on with my life with a clear conscious knowing that I did everything I could. I am not subjecting myself to anymore poison. Back to living my awesome life before this little blip of annoyance came along. The anger bubble is ruptured because in the end... I'm better than you.

Sleepless nights

My breath is quickening, my heart is racing I can feel his presence. The evil boogie man is closing in... Trying to pull me under. If he catches me I die... Again.

I've had the pleasure of being a nurse for the past few months. During this time I have watched a girl who has not even started living her life fight for it. We were all hopeful as she got better. When our hope was high that's when we got the news that she wasn't going to make it. I had to stop at Anthony's on my way home. He held me as I cried... The world is full of monsters and this girl who has not even received her first kiss gets the unfortunate news while those who cheat and beat and connive live their lives happily. So I've decided to be happy. To live my life full of wonder and smiles. Everything isn't daisies and sunshine but can't we pretend? I'm tired of feeling scared and scarred. It's time to just let shit go and enjoy whatever time I have left be it 1 or 100 years... My life has turned amazing and I have become so blessed. I will say a prayer for the dying girl and in that prayer I will be thankful that I met her. I am better for having known her. I hope she doesn't die... There is so much joy in pediatrics but when it's sad it's heart shatteringly sad... I will hold my loved ones a little closer and give more hugs and forgive more because in the end I just want to make a positive difference in at least a few peoples lives. "Im glad i got to meet her" is the best thing I could ask for once I'm gone. I'm sure the feeling will be mutual but hopefully not until Im 95 years old :) sweet dreams kids. Back to charting I go!

Candle lit nights

I have so many mixed emotions within me. Anxiety is the one that is in the forefront. I learned of events that have opened old wounds. I feel confused and infuriated yet somehow numb to everything. I hope I can get back to living my happy life again...
Yesterday it was 6 months for Anthony and me. He bought me a stuffed animal. How adorably boyfriend-y of him. It was a hedgehog which is more his style. Every one of his gifts is so meaningful and has so much thought placed into it I always want to cry. Nothing flashy or useless but very thoughtful.
"I got you a present" he said in his beautiful deep voice, "its small but I wanted to get you something... its a hedgehog... I was going for a wolverine but these are beyond human too. I figured you could cuddle him when you're sad or lonely and I cant hold you."
A couple of months ago we watched this lame documentary about wolverines. The opening lines had some scientist say, "they way they run... its beyond human." which i responded with, "uhhh yeah thats because its not a human... this guy is dumb" he giggled for hours.
Last night was a very good night with a sprinkle of demons from the past... He was supportive. He held me close to him in my candle lit room and finally told me sometimes he wondered if Derek got the best parts of me, the non-jaded happier parts. No... he killed her a long time ago. The truth is this side of me, able to be close to someone without instinctively attempting to fuck it up... well thats something new in my adult years. I really dont want to fuck it up actually. Anthony brings me a sense of peace... stability. Something that was only an illusion in the past. We spoke about how I would react if we broke up. I love him too much not to get angry but I love him too much not to want to still be friends. Thats how it started anyway. I told him that if we broke up I'm sure he'd find someone way more awesome than me. He began to say, "Whatever I don't think I'll ever find any..." at this point I cut him off. I apologized for my anger but told him that he may have started dating me because he figured, "who else is gonna want me" but I'll be damned if thats the only reason he stays with me. The hurt in his eyes was incredible. "No... No, that's not what I meant... I don't think I could ever like being around someone as much as I like being around you." Stupid past making me edgy and emotional. It was the sweetest thing anyone could have said at that moment. He was rewarded :)